30 October 2008

"You can't always get what you want..." --The Rolling Stones

If you've said to yourself, "Hey, that Lacochran sure has it going on. Wish I could get her to sample my tasty blog." then you should know that I'm totally reading every other blog but yours.

Well, yours and ones that fall into the following objectionable categories.

Reasons I might not be reading your blog:

Diarrhea: If you are a blogger of great merit but write twenty-two sentence paragraphs, I'm probably not reading you. It's nothing personal. I'm elderly and I need occasional white space for my tired eyes. Not over-wordification. *bzzt* Pass.

Camouflage: If you are one of those people that have dark gray font on black background (or pink on red): Are you approximating disappearing ink? Working through some passive-aggressive issues? Insane? *bzzt* Pass.

ShoppingList: If your idea of a blog post is: "Went to library. Got 2 books." That's it? That's all you've got? Why?! Why blog about this? Might I suggest Twitter for your needs. *bzzt* Pass.

DanceParty: If you've got loud music and strobe action that starts as soon as I click on your site. *bzzt* Pass (chika, pass, pass, chika, pass, pass).

INeedALotofAttention: Is this you? --> "Here's four pictures of me half-naked and drunk." How nice for you. Mom must be so proud. I'm not so much into train wrecks. *bzzt* Pass.

Feel free to add your "Yeah, but what's even worse..." rants in the comments. (Like I could stop you.*)

* Alright, I'll say it: You're pushy.**

** I love pushy.


Lemmonex said...

All I will say is this is genius and with this post I feel you may be in my head.

Also, I look back at old post and DAMN, some of those suckers were long. Thank GOD I learned how to reign it in.

LivitLuvit said...

The "Wor is Me" stories. Unless you make fun of yourself and admit that it's all your fault and here, why don't you taste some of my shame? Then it's totally cool.

LivitLuvit said...

Um, "Woe." Nor "Wor." Although Wor sucks too.

Doug said...

47 sentence paragraphs. I hate that. Give us some space!

Narm said...

Where are these half-naked blogs you talk about??

And was that a Twitter reference? Social media has gotten it's hands on you, hasn't it?

Reya Mellicker said...

This is what I love about blogging - if you click on a site that you don't like, you can move on immediately. No harm done.

A couple of the blogs I really like are camouflaged. Makes my eyes hurt but I read them anyway.

I would add another category - people who write about bodily functions. What is up with that?

fiona said...

Do I need to redecorate?

Cyndy said...

I mostly read blogs for entertainment since I don't have a TV anymore. I think reading someone's blog is like accepting a slice of pizza from them that they have especially prepared for whoever feels like eating it - except that it is a slice of the person's existence that they have offered instead.

I prefer my "slices" to be a thoughtfully prepared combination of colorful, delicious, and fun, with a sprinkling of other ingredients for variety.

I can't say that my blog necessarily meets these requirements, but hey, some people cook and other people eat.

Jamie said...

"Here's four pictures of me half-naked and drunk."

Surely you jest!! These are the best ones of all. That's why I read Lemmonex' and Shannon's blogs. JUST KIDDING!! Sheesh. But they do post lots of hilarious stories...

You missed one, though. YOU DON'T HARDLY NEVER POST NOTHIN'

Of course my own blog falls in that category lately. I hope the semi-loyal readers I once had will be back when I'm not busy as hell someday.

Gilahi said...

What about blogs that only ever cover one or two subjects, like music and old age?


Bilbo said...

I try to write posts that are interesting, fun, and/or informative, but sometimes I just need/want to rant. But I do try to keep things to a reasonable length...I remember a famous person once saying he would have written a shorter letter, but didn't have enough time. My kinda guy.

Mike said...

You haven't answered Narm's first question yet!!!!

And speaking of that. If you've givin up on trying to find the secret link to my answer to Rimas boob meme. It's on post 584, right above the the 'L' in the word 'link'.

Herb of DC said...

I was going to do a photo essay tonight of me making pumpkin soup while half-naked and drunk.

Guess not...

Shannon said...

I may be half-naked and drunk, Jamie, but I would never post photos of myself. Y'all don't need to know that I'm REALLY A MAN.

Matt said...

Or if you post 26 times a day, you are likely to get dropped out of my reader and forgotten about.

LBluca77 said...

I'm with Matt if you post more than once or twice a day, I just don't have time and like you said if it is about getting a library book, well then I'm out.

I have some long posts on my blog, but I try to keep them funny throughout the post, well at least I think they are funny. But for me if the post is long, but yet funny and entertaining I will still read it.

I think I have only 3 half naked and drunk pictures of me up, so I just made it under your radar.

J.M. Tewkesbury said...

Sentences of immense length are evidence a mind overwrought by too many hours in the day set aside for thinking about things both deep and inane. Were it not for the run on and on and on and on and on sentences in my blog, I'd have nothing to say about anything, ever.

Last night, I was thinking I'd change things up on my blog a bit and redecorate. I'm considering white-on-white. What do you think?

1. Got up this morning
2. Went for a walk
3. Came home
4. Checked my email
5. Read Lacochran's blog

My strobe light broke last week. I think I'm going to upgrade, though, and replace it with a laser show and some Led Zepplin. I've heard the combination can be a bit arousing, but I wouldn't know personally.

As for those naked pictures of me, I know nothing! They're all part of a vast right-wing conspiracy to get me to vote for McPalin next week.

Hey! Hello! Hey! Why are you walking away? I'm still talking to you. Hey! Come back here...

Kate said...

People who are angry. I don't want to read angry. Or indignant. Really I don't. It makes my face hot.

Kristin said...

But I can't help my verbal vomit...

Actually, the reason I don't read a lot of blogs is really lame: I work a lot. And I'm lazy in my reading. I don't often search for new blogs. I read the same people. It's totally me, not you.

brian said...

So... I should post more or less videos of Ricky Gervais' boobs?

lacochran said...

Lemmonex: Aw, thanks. It's cozy in your head.

LivitLuvit: Agreed, plain old woe and wor are bad.

Doug: Yeah!

Narm: Herb of DC and Lbluca77 seem to be trending that way. And, it doesn't have it's hands on me but it is whispering in my ear.

Reya: There is definitely a contingent that likes to share more bodily function details than I want to read about!

Fiona: I think your place is lovely!

Cyndy: Good analogy. Sometimes you get things that really don't belong on a pizza on a pizza.

Jamie: I love their stories! And "...not busy as hell"-- where are your priorities?! Your public is calling.

Gilahi: It's the quality not the quantity. And the motion of the ocean. Or something.

Bilbo: I wasn't gunning for anyone in particular with this post. Maybe I should have said "present company excepted"?

Mike: Yes, I have! And, I feel so used.

Herb of DC: Do it! Just add witty commentary, like you always do, with it.

Shannon: Best to leave them with their illusions.

Matt: Good one!

Lbluca77: They are funny. And let us know when the 4th is up.

J.M. Tewkesbury: Exactly!

Kate: Agreed. I get enough of that in the real world.

Kristin: You're not really trying to use the "it's not you, it's me" line on me, are you?

Brian: More! Definitely!

zandria said...

I agree with every single one of these. The only time I put up with any of this crap is if I know the person personally. And even then I complain about it. :)

lacochran said...

Zandria: Glad to hear I'm in good company. :)

Anonymous said...

I dig this list. The only thing I would add: people who don't write good.

I don't care if your blog is going to provide me with an invitation to Salma Hayek's next dinner party; if the writing isn't compelling, I'm not going to read it.

blackwomenblowthetrumpet.blogspot.com said...

Hey there!

This is just soooo darn funny!!

I don't read blogs that are littered with:
- profanity
- sexual photos

I don't read blogs that have:
- outrageously sloppy grammar that makes it difficult to understand the essay
- overly simplistic viewpoints that are already being expressed on one hundred other blogs on the same news story of the day
- a YouTube video with no essay attached
- a comment section where people are using profanity or are being extremely rude to other commenters

Thanks for this list!



@ Restaurantrefugee

I agree with you.

Visiting the blogs of people who don't write well can be a bit annoying at times.


f.B said...

Blogs as windows into assertedly singular teenage lives. It's not that teens aren't people, too, but if I wanted to hear an uninspiring, familiar tale of pubescent woe, I'd watch the new 90210.

lacochran said...

RestaurantRefugee: I like someone with the ability to turn a phrase or who can work an idea (even into the ground) but I hesitate to mock other people's grammar because I'm sure to have a smattering of oopses in that regard.

We'd like to think Salma would have better taste in friends than that, but who knows? Maybe she's desperate for good dinner companions and you've lost a key opportunity there.

BlackWomenBlowtheTrumpet: Thanks! I'm with you on the overly simplistic views and the video with no commentary. Good adds, thanks!

And the "good" versus "well" thing... I'm betting he did that on purpose. He's snarky that way.

F.B.: We all have experienced enough pubescent woe to last a lifetime, yes?

f.B said...

LA: I think we all probably relive some of that woe at least a couple times a month. Teen awkwardness is like a broken faucet: you never really turn it off; there's a slow lifelong drip. I like to think it keeps us humble.

Mike said...

Are you trying to get to 30 comments before your next post? Here, let me get you one closer.

Melissa B. said...

Dear Superior Scribbler: Sorry for the "canned" and unrelated nature of this post, but I wanted to get to as many of you tonite as possible. One of the things that we at Scholastic Scribe are most proud of is the Silly Sunday Sweepstakes. Several of you are already familiar with the arbitrary and quite inane weekly attempt at humor...for you, and for those of you who have not yet played Sx3, I urge you to drop by Sunday to see what's up. Oh, and congrats on being named a SS. You earned it!

Dingo said...

I was just blog hopping and discovered your blog. Your list is exactly why I have clicked off of at least four of the past six blogs I found this morning.

I don't like it when I'm reading a post and someone says something like, "Last night I went here and saw this." It drives me crazy! Tell me where you went and what you saw and link to it if you like. If I have to keep clicking back in forth to find out what the hell you are talking about, I'm done.

Unless, of course you do that on this blog. As a new reader, I'm not sure. But if you have done the "look at this" then it's my new favorite thing.