07 October 2008

"Just Eat It " -- Weird Al Yankovic

I don't care what you put in your mouth.

In the spirit of the lovable and doubly articulate Joe Biden, let me repeat that:

I don't care what you put in your mouth.

It makes no difference to me. Eat whatever the heck you want and revel in your gastronomic bliss. It matters not a whit to me. No, that's not quite right because the full truth is: if you're happy with it, I'm happy for you. Food is a glorious thing!*

Pigs feet? Enjoy. Chicken gizzards? Great choice. Bull testicles? God bless.

You will never hear me saying anything about what you're eating outside of "That looks tasty."

And yet... and yet... every time I meet people and they find out I don't eat meat, they fall all over themselves because they think I am judging them. Not so! Maybe your other rabid veg friends judge you but not me.

I grew up on meat and potatoes and I remember just how good meat tastes. (Especially with potatoes.) Oh, but I do.

I've eaten chicken and duck and beef and lamb and pork and venison and loved it all. I get it--it's yummy!** I just choose not to eat meat now. Check it: I don't do this to guilt you. In fact, you're going to find this hard to believe, but some things in this world have absolutely nothing to do with you.***

So, when we meet at a party, as happened this past Sunday, and the hostess outs me by pointing out which foods have meat and which don't, you do not need to look cornered nor do you need to launch into any of the following explanations, which I never ask for yet hear all the time:

  • "I really think I could go vegetarian. I don't eat much red meat."
  • "Vegetarian is such a healthier way to go. I should do that."
  • "Mostly I just eat fish. And a little chicken."

You don't need to say anything. because, people, I don't care. Get that "about to get smacked by a nun with a ruler" look off your face. How many times do I have to say it?!

I don't care what you put in your mouth.

* Someone should write a song about that.

** I've even eaten some things that others would call exotica. Cow's tongue? Oh, yeah, baby.
You haven't lived until your food is licking you back.

*** While other things have everything to do with you. I'd tell you which things but that would kill the mystery.


Ibid said...

It's not just vegetarians. People in general think that any decision that other people make is made in judgment of them.

I'm not having kids. Ever. Yet many people take personal offense about how I choose to live my life. Some get upset and yell at me while some calmly question me about why and try to present situations that I haven't heard a million times before.

The whole issue about gay marriage is another one. Somehow the way two total strangers live their lives is an attack on the offended party's own relationship.

How you keep the lawn, the kind of car you drive, the computer you use, the clothes you wear, the way you vote, the church you attend (or don't) are all, apparently, choices you made in judgment of someone you've never met.

How dare you.

fiona said...

I draw the line at "Toe sucking"
Otherwise I'm with you.

Mike said...

Man oh man!!! This post and Fiona'a comment. I need to regroup and come back later before I get myself in trouble.

LivitLuvit said...

That's funny, I'm such a raging carnivore, I actually worry that vegetarians think I'M judging THEM when they say they don't eat meat.

I'm totally not, btw. More for me!

Gilahi said...


I don't eat 'em, but I like 'em.

Kristin said...

I totally empathize. I've had a ton of weird discussions with people about my vegetarianism - none at my prompting. Eat what you want. Leave me out of it.

Narm said...

I used to think vegetarians were animal doctors.

After having dated a vegetar for awhile I get what you mean. People seem to freak out like you have some crazy nubby stub instead of a limb.

lacochran said...

Ibid: Well put.

Fiona: Mike. Mike: Fiona. Enjoy.

Livitluvit: I'm all for less competition at the table.

Gilahi: The slime trail, right?

Kristin: Sing it, Sister.

Narm: That would be cannibals, no?