20 October 2008

"Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all" --Whitney Houston

When I was about 15, I babysat for a girl of about 11. It was a plum job in that she didn't need tending to in any way, she just didn't like to be alone in the house. So, we'd watch TV and she'd go to bed. And then I'd watch more TV and collect my pay.

Technically, we weren't alone in the house. They had a great pyrenees named Sam. I remember Sam much better than I remember the girl.

Here's a picture of a great pyrenees I found on the Interwebs:


Notice the size. Notice in the picture that the dog's head is bigger than the man's head. That is not a camera angle distortion. These are freakin' large dogs. In fact, don't think dog, think lion. That's closer scale. Sam was furrier and bigger than the pyrenees in the picture. Sam was the biggest pet I'd ever seen and probably ever will.

Sam was a self-love practitioner. He would spend most of the evening laying on his side, pleasuring himself. Loudly. Lots of slurping noises. For hours. He was a self-satisfaction connoisseur of the highest intensity.

Then the parents would come home and we'd have a few minutes of chit-chat (never about Sam) and they'd always round up the amount they owed me and then the dad would take me home in his car. And he'd call Sam to take the ride.

Even though the car was a big one, Sam still took up the entire back seat with his head hovering between us in the front seat. He'd be drooling, panting, breathing that special self-love breath all over us.

At the time I thought all big dogs panted and drooled. Now, when I think about it, I realize he was gasping with doggy afterglow.

15 comments:

singlikesassy said...

Ew. You know I hate great big dogs, I don't care how fluffy they are...and that dog in the photo looks like it might be taller than me when standing on it's hind legs.

Doug said...

yuck. I can't even think of a p.c. comment to leave here on this topic. Can't that doggie learn proper manners and at least pop a breath mint after its done? Seriously!

Malaise Inc said...

Great Pyrenees have great personalities. We have a friend that has two and a few years back, we took in a stray puppy who the vet thinks is part-Great Pyrenees. He comes in at around 100 lbs and has got to be the happiest fellow on the planet. None of these dogs seem to interested in self-stimulation, though.

Narm said...

Wow - sounds like Sam and I have something in common. We should start a club...but I guess that kind of defeats the purpose.

fiona said...

Sam puts my Chow/Newfie to shame!
Just think of the floors Sam could have "swiffered" good golly!

GreenCanary said...

I don't know how to comment on this post *laughing*

Mike said...

You know why dogs lick themselves?

Because the can.

Gilahi said...

I always heard it was because they didn't have opposable thumbs.

Reya Mellicker said...

E W W W W !!

I love dogs but they're so gross. I never allowed Jake to hump other dogs (when he was young) and always stopped him the second he start slurping on himself. Yuck!!

Get a room you shameless canines.

Bilbo said...

Well, I guess if someone is needed to write an advice column for Playdog magazine, you have a lucrative second career option waiting for you.

LBluca77 said...

HAHA Doggy afterglow. You are hilarious.

rs27 said...

He wasn't smoking a cigarette?

Herb of DC said...

I think "Sam" was also my elementary school bus driver.

Scotus said...

I blame the dad for being too permissive. When I was a kid, anytime my dog started...er...enjoying himself, my father was right there with a rolled up newspaper. We probably had the most sexually frustrated dog ever.

In retrospect, it might have been a bit cruel. After all, if you're a dog, what else do you have to pass the time?

lacochran said...

SingLikeSassy: No fear required... that dog is long gone. I can only imagine the effort it took to bury him.

Doug: That would be an interesting mint ad campaign...

Malaise Inc: Yes, quite a happy breed.

Narm: When you said you were flexible, I had no idea...

Fiona: Swiffering. Now there's a different term for it.

GreenCanary: Life is full of strange moments, I just report them.

Mike: So true.

Gilahi: That does add to the challenge.

Reya: Canine cheap motels. Love it.

Bilbo: Could be a good gig. Especially if they throw in some rawhides. Mmm. Chewy.

Lbluca77: Thanks! And thanks for stopping by.

Rs27: Not in front of the parents.

Herb of DC: Ew.

Scotus: So true.