28 November 2009

"We can't go on together with suspicious minds" --Elvis Presley

A few things on cheating...

A pointed commentary:


A joke:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

And a true story:

Note: The following happened in the era before everyone carried a cell phone.

Many years ago, I got a call, quite out of the blue, from a woman I'd been friends with when we were young. At the time, we hadn't been in touch in a few years, so I was pleased to hear her voice. Well, pleased, right up until the time she got down to why she was calling me.

She had told her husband she was hanging out with me that evening. In reality, she was meeting up with her first boyfriend. Would I cover for her if he called? She'd left my number with her husband, she explained, and could she leave a number for where she'd be so I could alert her if he called?


I didn't appreciate the position she was putting me in. I'm not a fan of infidelity. Further, I'd met both men and there was absolutely no reason for her to revisit the old boyfriend for any purpose.

Still, put on the spot, I agreed to cover for her. I wasn't happy about it, which came across, but I didn't say no. Not sure why. Maybe some part of me still wanted the friendship.

I spent a nervous evening, wondering what I'd say if her husband called. He never did and I never heard from this woman again.

Which brings us to the question du jour: Would you cover for a cheating friend?* Would you expect a friend to cover for you?

* No worries, I will not be asking you for this service.


The Maiden Metallurgist said...

I feel like, any friend who is close enough to ask- well I'm also close with their husband... so no.

But even in the absence of close friendship with the significant other- I'm not comfortable with that.

But... who is to say what I'd actually do in that position?

12minds said...

That's a really tough one...I feel like if I'm really close to the friend, I'd be really close to their husband/wife/SO, and I really wouldn't be able to. And even if I didn't like their SO very much, I'd still have a hard time with it.

I do know that regardless of how I go with it, I'd be really upset and disappointed in my friend for (a) doing that and (b) putting me - and our friendship - in such a weird position.

Drama Queen said...

No - I would not cover for a cheating friend. If he/she asked me, I'd say, "I'm sorry - I can't do that. If they call me, I'll have to tell the truth. You'd better ask another friend to cover for you." A TRUE friend would never put you in that position.

And no - I would never ask a friend to cover for me like that. Again - true friends wouldn't do that.

And how in the world do you always find the perfect song lyrics to title your blogs? Which comes first - the blog or the title? :)


Kate said...

I couldn't do it and live with myself. So no. And how presumptuous that someone would ask.

Bowie Mike said...

Is this where you got that pic? We saw some of those postcards on exhibit in Baltimore a while back.

I think most people that are put on the spot like that would cover. It usually happens before you have much chance to analyze the situation.

I was in a situation many years back where I had a roommate that shared an apartment with me during the work week in one city, and he lived with his wife and kids in another city on the weekend. He did cheat with one of our co-workers. I was never put in the position of covering for him other than to keep my mouth shut when I finally met his wife and kids. Yeah, he was a major shit for doing it, and it was uncomfortable. But as friends go, we liked each other, and we had some great times. I even gave him advice when he wanted to work on his marriage.

But one of the guys in our group of friends had a hard time separating the friendship from the acts of the friend, and those two had a hard time getting along for a while.

Mike said...

I've us... seen that first joke before. It's a good one.

Lemmonex said...

Like the Maiden Met and 12 Minds...I usually become pretty close to a good friends SO. That said, I did lie once, in a tough situation, and I do not regret it.

Tina said...

No and Hell NO. I have pretty strong feelings on infidelity. It's not that hard folks - if you want to play the field don't sign and exclusive contract.

J.M. Tewkesbury said...

Depends on the circumstances. You've given us one scenario of very clear infidelity, but there are other possibilities.

For instance, Is my friend in an abusive relationship? Is s/he in a rudderless, loveless relationship?

I'm not suggesting these are rock solid exceptions to the "thou shalt not commit adultery/fornication" clauses, but until you walk a mile in someone else's shoes, you can't know why they'd step out on a spouse/partner/girl or boyfriend.

Would I cover for a friend who was cheating because her husband/boyfriend beats the shit out of her emotionally or physically? Damn straight! But then I'd also strongly encourage her to get the hell out of that relationship. (Same for a guy. I've known women who emotionally abused their men and I'd tell a guy to get out, too.)

Would I cover for a friend who was cheating simply because she and her partner hadn't slept in the same bed together in three years and the relationship was going nowhere despite good faith efforts? I might, but I'd also encourage her to get out of that relationship, too.

And now, having said that, from where a number of people sit, I cheated on my recent ex, because I met someone else and started a relationship before I completely ended the one I was in. Can't say I'm proud of it, but I also can't say I fully regret it either.

Here's a question for everyone: If you knew both parties well--the cheater and the one being cheated on--would you tell the one being cheated on that they were being cheated on?

lacochran said...

Thanks to everyone for weighing in on a difficult/complex subject.

Drama Queen: The post comes first. In the case of the theme of "cheating", there are way *too* many songs to choose from.

In response to J.M.'s question: It would depend on the circumstances--how close I was to them, what kind of relationship they had, etc. I expect I'd avoid getting involved if possible because who am I to decide what's best for them?

Titania said...

I was put in that spot once, by my then best friend (who was a he) shortly after seen my mom suffering from my father's infidelity which ended with him leaving her after months of lies and cruelty. I de-friended that person, and refused to ever talked to him again. After seeing what my father put my mom through, I can't have in my life anyone who does that.