29 November 2009

Loss

Hi. I just got word that someone I love has died. My words could not express the breadth of her life and I am not in a position to write more than this today. So, I'm going to re-post something I wrote on death in 2007. It'll have to do. And despite my words from 2007, I'm not angry, just very sad.

29 August 2007

People Die/I Saw KN Today

People die.

Intellectually I know this. Emotionally I don't want to deal with it. But I do. I get angry. If they die suddenly and unexpectedly, like a colleague did this month at age 37, it pisses me off that I had no warning and no opportunity for closure and no explanation of why this person is suddenly gone. If they die slowly, like my boss' father who yesterday began hospice, it pisses me off that he's going to suffer and by extension my boss is going to suffer watching him suffer until he dies. As the minister said in The Big Chill "It makes me angry and I don't know what to do with my anger."

Meanwhile, I am attending a conference today and I saw someone standing with her back to me talking to someone else and I looked at the way she had her feet planted and I thought instantly that's KN. Who is KN? She's someone who used to work at my work site but hasn't been working on-site in years. I had no real connection to KN. She was high up in the hierarchy and me, I'm pretty low down in the hierarchy. We'd been introduced a couple times but I don't think we ever even worked on anything together, just found ourselves in the room at the same time and did the polite thing of introductions. I know very little about KN and don't spend any time thinking of her.

Sure enough, she turned around and it was her.

I say all this because I recognized her from the back by the way she placed her feet, and it wasn't like she was in a tree pose or anything. No one would say "Gee, look how she's standing; isn't that odd." It was just a very minor detail but it was distinguishing. And it occurred to me that if my brain stores how KN stands, such an inconsequential thing and person in my life, then how many millions of little things trigger us about the people we actually love? Is it any wonder that we can't bear the pain of separation?

I've lost a good friend this year and had some sobering news and close calls with other loved ones. I'm angry and I'm sad and it doesn't change anything.

But at least I have a place to express it. Thanks for reading. I promise to talk about something bright and chipper and completely trivial next.

19 comments:

Bowie Mike said...

Sorry to hear the news. This is usually where I would get out the old pictures. I wish I had something more meaningful to say.

A said...

I'm so sorry to read of your loss.

Barbara said...

I feel your pain. I'm experiencing a similar sadness over my husband's Aunt Zelda, who is hovering between life and death at age 101. Death is such a final thing, no matter what your feelings about what happens next.

Drama Queen said...

I am so sorry for your loss - and I know that nothing any of us can say here will make it any better or take the pain away, as much as we'd like to do that. It's always hard, no matter who it is, or when it happens, or how often it happens.

HKW said...

So sorry to hear about your loss. Big hug to you and your friends and family.

Mike said...

Bummer.

Kate said...

I'm sorry to hear of your loss. I'm not sure anyone really knows how to feel when someone they love dies. So you just feel what you feel and those little memories - like the way someone stood, or gestured or spoke will come back to you at odd and unbidden moments. I used to hate that, but now I see it as an opportunity to remember the one that I love.

J.M. Tewkesbury said...

I'm so sorry for your loss, L. Sending hugs and warm thoughts your way.

brad said...

I'm sorry. Wish you peace.

Sean said...

I'm sorry for your loss. I'll definitely be thinking of you.

Narm said...

You never cease to give me inspiration to keep blogging and keep writing, no matter how tiring it can be. You are, and always will be one of my favorites.

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

i'm very sorry for your loss, this is a great piece here.

also, how awesome is narm's comment, good guy he is.

Cyndy said...

I'm so very sorry to hear about the loss of your loved one. It is always difficult to lose someone you really care about.

lacochran said...

Bowie Mike, A, Drama Queen, HKW, Mike, J.M. Tewkesbury, Sean, Cyndy: Thank you for your kindness. I am so appreciative of each of you, specifically, and the thoughtfulness of the blogger community, in general.

Barbara: I'm sorry for your distress/pain.

Kate: At this point, it's a bit too raw but I hope to get to that point soon. Thanks.

brad: Thanks. I've missed you. Hope to see you blogging soon. (No pressure, just a hope.)

Narm: That means a lot, coming from you--one of my all time favorites. For real. Thanks so much.

Alexa: Thanks. Yes, he very much is.

onthecurb said...

Sorry for your loss. I, too, learned of a dear friend passing earlier this year and it still creeps into my brain every day or so. Your post made me teary. Time makes it more bearable, ah but it still sucks.

Titania said...

La, I am so sorry for your loss... big, big hug, my dear friend...

lacochran said...

onthecurb: Thank you for your kindness. I do hope your pain gets lighter as the days pass.

Titania: Thank you for your kind comment. *hug*

GreenCanary said...

I'm sorry that someone you love is gone. If there's anything I can do, you tell me. I'm not great with hugging as a form of consoling, but I pour a mean glass of wine.

spleeness said...

This is an incredible post. Your words are so powerful, I feel like you just eloquently expressed what's been rattling around in my brain for a couple years (on the subject of loss).

I'm so sorry... loss is terrible. There's nothing that can be said, no good way it can be processed. But write about it as much as you want and I'll be happy to listen and share.