10 November 2009

"There's no regrets. If I had to do the same, again, I would, my friend" --ABBA

*whispering* Pssst, guys. Over here. Hurry up and, for godssakes, keep it down. Come on in and close the door. Is everybody here? Good. Shhh. Settle down. Narm, stop picking your nose and pay attention!

Look, I shouldn't be telling you this. I could get in a lot of trouble for sharing this information. But, the truth is, I feel a little sorry for you. For years, you've been manipulated at every turn. I... I just thought you should know. But if anybody
*glares at Mike* says one word about this to a woman, you'll never get information out of me again. You hear me?

*Solemn nods from everyone but Bowie Mike, who is softly humming Stairway to Heaven. f.B elbows him and he nods, too.*

Okay... here's the thing. You know about Cosmo being all about controlling men, right? They're obvious. They put it out there on the cover--

Narm: You can say that, again.

Fine. Ha ha. What you don't know is that there are other, more subtle means of control that the Resistance hasn't been picking up on.

Gilahi, sarcastically: More subtle than Cosmo? Huh.

Yeah, mock. But the truth is, you know that innocent looking
Good Housekeeping?

Dmbosstone: Oh, come on. You can't be serious. I'm missing a game for a report on Good Housekeeping? My mother reads Good Housekeeping. What have you got? A recipe for Lemon Meringue Pie?

Exactly my point. You've been lulled into a false sense of security by the innocent looking recipes and the articles on Jane Pauley.

*There is a noise in the distance.*

hissing* Wait! Quiet! Did you hear something?

*Everyone is still. There is no sound.*

Foggy Dew: You're getting punchy. Just tell us what you've got to say and let us out of here.

All right. Here it is. Good Housekeeping has done an article on how to get your husband to rake the leaves. And I quote:

If You Want Your Husband to Rake the Leaves...
...ask him in his right ear. Requests made into that ear, not the left, are more likely to elicit a "yes." In an Italian study, a female student asked 176 people for a cigarette in a noisy nightclub. Those asked on the right side were twice as likely (39 percent) to respond favorably as those asked on the left (19 percent). The reason for the pattern? Researchers say it could be the asymmetrical way the brain processes emotions. The left hemisphere (which gets stronger input from the right ear) is specialized for positive feelings and approach behavior, while the right side (more left ear-linked) tends to be focused on negative feelings and avoidance. So whether it's for a chore or a back rub, try to get on his right side, says Luca Tommasi, Ph.D., lead researcher.

*There is stunned silence. Jamie drops to his knees and begins to pray. Dmbosstone weeps quietly. Hammer shakes his head in disbelief. f.B pounds his fist against his chair once, furiously.*

Bilbo, dazed: Agnes was reading Good Housekeeping yesterday and I smiled at her. I smiled!

Now you know. And Bilbo, I don't care if this is the Resistance, take off that stupid beret.

*A woman's voice is heard in the distance.*

Oh my god! That sounded like Kate! Or maybe Kate!
I'm out of here. You didn't see me. We didn't talk. This NEVER happened.


Gilahi said...

Is "raking the leaves" a euphemism for something else? I gotta tell ya, if a woman leans over to a guy in bar and whispers, "Hey, would you like to rake the leaves?", it really doesn't matter which ear she's whispering into.

FoggyDew said...

See, and all along I thought it was because we got to use gas-powered leaf blowers. Oh, wait, is that a euphemism too? Could be...

Does it matter if the guy is left handed?

The easiest way to get a guy to "rake the leaves" is to offer sex in return. That'll work pretty much all the time. Unless there's a game on. Then it's a toss-up.

Little Ms Blogger said...

OMG Gilahi's comment had me laughing out loud.

Okay, Lacochran, I'm going to try out your theory. I'm going to going to ask my husband to rake leaves by talking softly into his right ear. I'll let you know if it works.

What do you mean the password is "my monkey has the best banana"? - priceless

Kate said...

I learned alot of sneaky things in Family Therapy class. I feel dirty passing them along sometimes. Because they're so MANIPULATIVE! But that's part of my charm, you know. mmwhahahaha!

The Bug said...

That's hilarious! I'm totally trying the right ear thing tonight too. I'll let you know if it works. Of course my husband will wonder why the heck I'm standing by his "man chair" talking to him...

Liebchen said...

Yeah...I'll be trying the right ear thing. I don't have a whole lot of hope, but I can't pass up an experiment.

Hammer said...

Sadly, there is some truth here. A few years back when I was getting some advanced training credentials, we spent time on this. If you sit down with someone to help teach them something, you always position yourself on their right side. The natural feeling to this has a neurological/physiological basis, as does the weirdness/dissonance you feel if someone who's trying to teach you something sits/stands on your left.

Works both ways though. On more than once occasion I've used the right side Jedi mind trick in conjunction with the hair trick to get what I wanted. Conversations like this:

Me: Your hair looks really nice today.
Her: You think so? Well, [words follow, but I tune them all out.]
Me: Those shoes you just bought? You should return them. They're okay, but you really have too many shoes.
Her: What? The shoes?
Me: Your hair looks really nice today.
Her: You think so? [Blushes. Smiles. Pauses.] I think maybe I should return these shoes.

Bilbo said...

I thought everyone wore a beret to rake the leaves. Or, as we say in the resistance, to rrrake ze leeves.

Hannah said...

Does that right ear thing work if you ask your husband to vacuum too? I would assume so and think I'll give it a try!

Woo for manipulating men into doing chores. Nagging sure as heck doesn't work!

repliderium.com said...

Dammit! For shit sake- just don't tell them about all of the other magazines or I'll never get the damn kitchen painted!

Bowie Mike said...

Clever post!

Lend me your ear, and I'll sing you a song, and you'll go out and rake up the leafs. Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends.
Would it help if that caller had asked you for a job in your right ear?
When I go to bed tonight, I'm going to ask my wife to switch sides. I've been begging into the wrong ear all these years. L.A., thanks for the advice!

Mike said...

Rake? Sounds like manual labor. That's what leaf blowers and leaf suckers are for.

If you can't do it with something that's moterized, why bother. :)

f.B said...

we have been hoodwinked. it's right-ear media conspiracy.

Toe said...

I'm so testing this theory. I've been in need of a back rub for weeks now.

Kate said...

Loudness IS my lot in life. :)

Jamie said...

This is all just crazy talk. Real men use leaf sucker/mulchers, not rakes. They are so cool.

Dmbosstone said...

I still won't rake the leaves. I'm left handed.

Cyndy said...

Now that I know this, I'm going to make sure my husband gets the left side of the bed when we move back into our house.

On Sunday I ran over all the leaves with the mulching setting on my lawnmower and it was as if they'd been vacuumed. Perhaps in the future I'll whisper into my husband's right ear that I've given him his very own lawnmower!

Barbara said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
J.M. Tewkesbury said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
J.M. Tewkesbury said...

Maya told me about this post this morning and then the conversation went like this:

Maya: So, I guess it's a good thing that your good ear is the right one.

Pause. Silence...

Jay: So, what are you saying? That I'm like a guy and I don't listen to you?

Maya: No, no, I'm not saying that! (Long pause) I love LA's writing. It's so funny.

Jay: Well, thank God for that!

P.S. Gilahi: You crack me up, man. I love how you opened that door and walked right through it! Lovely!

Gilahi said...

@Jayem - You should try that with Maya sometime. "Wanna rake the leaves, Pookie?" I'd be interested in hearing about the results.

J.M. Tewkesbury said...

@Gilahi: Dude, if I can make work for me, I'll definitely let you know. I gotta tell ya, though, Maya doesn't have any good ears! :-D

Maya said...

I'm a left brain/right brain kinda gal, so it's really going to depend on which side of the brain I'm using at the moment wether or not this trick would work on me...

Titania said...

I didn't know the right ear trick! I am going to have to try it, for raking leaves and so much more...

By the way, I would pay good money to see Jamie praying.