24 July 2008

"And it seems such a waste of time, if that's what it's all about"--Billy Joel

Lacochran's Business Rule #3: After making sure your boss is happy and realizing work isn't really about you, the most important skill to master is being able to sit in a room of painfully boring people for hours on end and not look bored. This means you do not do any of the following behaviors, each of which I swear to you, lovely reader, I've seen:

  • Snort derisively*
  • Drum your fingers incessantly, especially to tunes like Wipe Out
  • Play video games on your phone/PC
  • LOL at the IM/email you just received
  • Photoshop your personal photos on your PC
  • Do glut, or any other muscle clenching, sets
  • Pick your teeth, your ears, or your nose (with great concentration, no less!)
  • "Adjust" yourself repeatedly
  • Pass non-business notes
  • Yawn loudly
  • Sleep/Snore**
  • Lay your head on the conference table (unless you have the special haircut featured in the photo above)
  • Lay your head on your neighbor's shoulder
  • Lean back in your chair so far that the chair tips
  • Focus on the ceiling
  • Focus out the window
  • Focus on the chest/crotchal area of the person across from or next to you
  • Roll your eyes***
or otherwise let anyone know you are bored to tears. What you can do:
  • Look at each person that speaks as if they are the most interesting person on the flippin' planet
  • Repeat SILENTLY to yourself, "They're paying me buckets of money for this" and smile serenely.

* Snort appreciatively, all you want.

** The manager asked at the end of the meeting "You think we should wake him up or just leave?"

*** This is particularly challenging for me as this is an almost constant expression. I don't even realize I'm doing it. Honest. It's not you, it's me. Call me?


Kristin said...

I've seen so many sleepers, including this one guy when we were delivering training. As in he and I were delivering train. When he wasn't napping.

lacochran said...

Kristin: Now *that's* bad.

Narm said...

Every time I step in a conference room it is like I took a double dose of Nyquil. I am the king of the heavy head bobbing up and down.

lacochran said...

Narm: At least it looks like you're agreeing.

Bilbo said...

I don't know if I do any of those or not, since I'm usually asleep. I think Narm and I understand each other.

lacochran said...

Now I have an image of Narm and Bilbo spooning during a meeting.

Scott said...

I've often wondered why we can't have tanks of laughing gas installed in the conference room. Everyone could take a hit as needed so the mind-numbing drudgery could be made really, well, mind numbing.

I wish I had read your blog before today's quarterly staff meeting. I'm guilty of the eye rolling thing myself.

lacochran's evil twin said...

Scott: Drugs: the future of American business. Has a nice ring to it.