23 July 2008

Bananarama

This dog feels strongly about bananas.


As solid Americans, we love the humble yet exotic banana. ...It's blatantly suggestive form ...It's pratfall inducing peel. It hearkens us back to childhood and yummy banana splits. It beckons us with its flossyflossy Bananas Foster.* Frozen and dipped in chocolate, it is delicious. Whipped up with berries and rum it is an exquisite tropical delight.

But bananas infuriate us, too. *shakes fist at bananas*

We go to the store and we buy them like this:


And they are hard and green and bitter. They stay like that from the time we buy them on Sunday afternoon until Thursday at 1:46 a.m. Then, as we slumber and dream about Kanye West and Steven Colbert sharing a Hot Pocket**, they turn to a lovely, sunny yellow and their flavor and texture is almost unendurably fantastic, for approximately 7 minutes.

Then, at 1:53 a.m. they turn into this:



That's right. Not only do they turn black and slimy and putridly sweet but they somehow multiply and change direction.

Bastards.

So... Has anyone tried the green bags that claim to keep bananas blissfully un-putrid for weeks on end? Is this a good use of my emergency banana fund? Please advise.


* Make Bananas Foster for yourself if you want or have someone else make it for you but I do not recommend going to the restaurant that made it famous. When I was in N'awlins, I went to Brennan's for (what else) the Bananas Foster. It was brunch time and they wouldn't let you just order dessert so I ordered an omelet. They brought me the largest omelet I've ever seen. It was something like 30 bucks for a veggie/cheese omelet that I didn't really want to begin with and I couldn't finish because it was made with 72 eggs. Maybe more. Chickens were weeping and holding vigils for this omelet. Sadly, after that, I could no longer consider dessert of any kind. Nor could I look chickens in the eye. But they're short so no big whoop. But none of this is the fault of the banana...

**
*blink* *blink* What?

11 comments:

Capitol Hill 20210 said...

I make a kickass Bananas Foster, learned it in cooking class - it rocks............

I feel your pain on the green banana thing.........

charlotteharris said...

Oh you have no idea just how many "emergency" loaves of banana bread I've made after finding my fruit had over-ripened when I looked away for just a minute! Ack! I sympathize.

GreenCanary said...

I think I am in love with you. P.S. Don't believe people who tell you that you can freeze brown bananas and use them in recipes. It's a Chiquita conspiracy.

Bilbo said...

The best thing that ever happened to bananas at our house was my compost box...since I can't bake worth a darn, I can't do charlotteharris's banana bread thing, so all those putrid bananas that went south while I wasn't looking get recycled into wonderful compost for my garden. I don't play second banana to NOBODY! P.S. - your 72-egg omelet cracked me up, especially the part about the weeping, vigil-holding chickens.

LivitLuvit said...

If you break the bananas apart right when you get them home, they ripen more slowly. Haven't tried the bags though...

There's always money in the banana stand!

Narm said...

You didn't even address the comical genius of slipping and falling on banana peels!

Gilahi said...

You also didn't mention all the classic Vaudeville humor surrounding the banana.

What's yellow and goes slamslamslamslam? A 4-door banana!

Man, they don't write 'em like that any more. Without this kind of humor, we wouldn't be blessed with the likes of Pauly Shore.

We owe much to the banana.

rs27 said...

Bananas suck.

They never tell you when they're no good anymore.

Like women.

Hey-OH!

That was uncalled for.

Lemmonex said...

I dreamt of Colbert and Kanye sharing pizza bagels...weird.

lacochran said...

Capital Hill 20210: Hear that folks? CH20210 is available for Bananas Foster parties.

Charlotte Harris: The last time I tried to make banana bread it was brick-like. If you have a better recipe, share.

Green Canary: I'm already your homeskillet. How much closer can we get? Don't hear much about Chiquita any more. Wonder if she's considered racist...?

Bilbo: Al Gore is proud of you.

Livitluvit: Thanks for the breaking apart tip. A stand, huh? Isn't that just a piece of wood?

Narm: Erm, I sure thought I did...?

Gilahi: Pauly Shore is hot.

Rs27: You know you're in trouble when your banana says "We need to talk."

Lemmonex: I used to have that variation, too... weird.

LivitLuvit said...

Sorry- irresistible Arrested Development comment. I can't hear the word "banana" without thinking about Gob begging George Michael for a double-dipped with nuts.