05 June 2008

"It Could be a Tumor" --Kindergarten Cop


My life, and welcome to it. I could make stuff up but what's the fun of that when I have real life moments like this...

I walk with my boss and a colleague to another building for a meeting.

Boss: What's wrong with your eye?

Me: What?

Boss: Look at her eye!!

Me: What?? What's wrong with my eye?

Colleague: Where?

Boss: Look at that! *pointing* See the red there?

Me: What?!?! What is it??!

Boss: Do you have pink eye? Is that conjunctivitis?

Me: What is he talking about??

Colleague: I guess it is a little cloudy in the corner there...

Me: Great.

We continue walking while I mentally prepare my will.*

We arrive at the building and I immediately go into the ladies room to see this horrible oozing, infected abscess** of an eye in the mirror and I see... nothing. It looks like a normal eye. Much like the other normal eye.

I come out of the ladies room.

Me: I looked in the mirror and I don't see what you're talking about.

Colleague: It must have cleared.

Boss: I guess it's nothing.

I spend the entire meeting wondering if I've got a tumor or I'm about to have a stroke or what. I suddenly think I'm feeling pressure on the eye. I wonder if it's clouding over again. I look around for confirmation but everyone is talking work and no one seems to notice my rotting eye.

This is a big deal for me. I am phobic about my eyes. I don't know why. I just hate the idea of something happening to them or even something touching them. I can not watch eye surgery, even laser eye surgery, on TV--and it's always on TV. Oh, yes, it is. When you have 500 channels at least one of them is showing eye surgery.*** It creeps me out too much. Anything eye-related creeps me out.****

Both my parents had cataract surgeries. So chances are my eyes will deteriorate similarly. Here's how I see it going down:

Future Doctor (FD): We could get rid of the cataracts with a quick surgery.

(80 year old) Me: No!

FD: But it's very simple... we just cut a flap in the eye and--

Me: LALALALALALALALA I can't hear you!!!

FD: This is ridiculous. We just give a little tug on the--

Me: LALALALALA, *grasping wildly* Who took my cane?!

My prediction: I will be even crankier as an old, blind woman. That is, if I make it through today.

*leans in*
Does this look infected to you?




* It's so hard to decide who gets my Backstreet Boys CD.

**
That one's for you, Bilbo. No thanks necessary.

*** Don't argue with me. When was the last time you checked to see what they were showing on C-Span at 3 a.m.? That's right, eye surgery on Arlen Specter.

**** I originally had this picture on this post but it creeped me out too much and I had to replace it. Now you know my weakness. I must kill you.


12 comments:

AbbotOfUnreason said...

Wow. Once I took a sharp stick and I...never mind, you don't want to hear it!

Gilahi said...

You should Google that symptom. Or, if you have one, it might just be your router. I've decided to blame all my ills henceforth on my router.

lacochran said...

AoU: LALALALALALAI'MNOTLISTENINGLALALALA!

Gilahi: Can I put "router" under cause on my disability form?

rs27 said...

I was just thinking about "what if I was blind" yesterday.

Then I couldn't see the old balls at the gym.

lacochran said...

rs27: Your concern touches me. In a inappropriate, "very special episode of Blossom" sort of way.

Bethany said...

Wow--I have THE EXACT SAME PHOBIA. Right down to closing my eyes during anything eye-related on TV, and doing the LALALA's when people talk about eye issues. I could never wear contacts (thank god I don't need glasses...yet).

If you haven't seen the movie "Fire in the Sky" from 1993, DON'T EVER WATCH IT. It has the most disgusting eye scene ever. Oh, and don't get me started about "Minority Report".

I hope your eye cloud clears up soon. :-)

lacochran said...

Bethany: Any why is it everybody is just dying to talk about their Lasik surgery?! It's not safe to get on an elevator any more.

lacochran said...

Bethany: Oh, and, thanks! (I get a little riled up but I do appreciate your good wishes and your stopping by.)

Bilbo said...

A horrible oozing, infected abscess...just for me?? I didn't know you cared! And here I always thought an abscess was the old crone who ran the convent.

lacochran said...

Imagine a horrible oozing, infected abscess of an eye winking if it makes you feel better.

J.M. Tewkesbury said...

Personally, I think your boss is messing with your head. This evening, he and your colleague are having drinks and laughing their asses off at how funny they are. Which they're not.

Seriously, though, hope it's nothing dramatic that requires fingers and things honing in on your orbiculares oculi.

lacochran said...

J.M. :) Probably right. Bastards. I must plan my revenge.

And thanks. So far, no further signs of the eye cloud.