03 June 2008

Don't Let This Happen to You (Water Trikes)

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Kelsey Grammer, best known from his long-running sitcom "Frasier," suffered a mild heart attack during the weekend in Hawaii, three weeks after his latest show was canceled, his publicist said on Monday.

Grammer, 53, experienced chest pains on Saturday morning while paddle-boarding with his wife, Camille, off the Kona coast of Hawaii's Big Island, where they have a second home, spokesman Stan Rosenfield told Reuters.

When I first read the news (faithfully reprinted above) I thought it said he's had a heart attack while paddle boating. And I thought, well no wonder! Paddle boating is hard! The only thing harder than paddle boating is riding one of those water trikes. Ever paddle one of those water trikes? Don't let the bikini clad girls fool you. They are standing in front of the machine from hell.

Oh, sure, it LOOKS like a kid's tricycle and you used to tool around on one of those all day long so this should be no big deal, right? You confidently go down to the Watersports people at the resort and you and your partner in fun say you want to take a trike out. They say Sure!! and off you go, wondering what joke somebody just told because the Watersports people are doubled over laughing behind you. They can not breathe they are laughing so hard. And you think Charming locals! So lighthearted and joyful!

You get the trike into the water and scramble up into the seat. You and your partner then spend 45 minutes swearing at each other as the trike only goes in one direction: out to sea and to the right--always to the right--no matter what you do. Your calves are burning and you accuse your partner of not really paddling and they are yelling that you are steering it wrong and you keep insisting there has to be a gear shift somewhere because the damn thing is obviously stuck in a low gear but there is no gear shift and at some point you both begin to cry and far off behind you on the receding shore you can still vaguely pick up the laughter of the Watersports people. You wonder if you will ever see them again.


rs27 said...

Don't forget the part that when you are continuously going right you try to knock each other off because "You're not doing it right."

j.m. tewkesbury said...

Hm. Speaking from personal experience, I assume?

Bee and I long ago decided that tandem kayaking was not for us. There's a reason they call tandem kayaks "divorce boats." They should probably rename water trikes as well...

lacochran said...

Yeah, but then you have to peddle on both sets of peddles by yourself! Not possible!

There are no pictures so I'll deny it. I just have, um, good sources.

Yeah, and kayaks don't have those cool Tonka Truck wheels!

Anonymous said...

Sounds like someone should stay on the couch and watch matlock reruns...