14 April 2009

"You try to scream, but terror takes the sound before you make it"--Michael Jackson


I haven't exactly told you everything about our monkey experience in Barbados. I wanted to keep it happy and light... to remember the good. Why get creepy, right? But I'm feeling a need to unburden myself.

Yes, yes, we saw green monkeys and they were way cool and they climbed over the fence of the reserve every day to eat up the free food and then climbed back out to explore the island. They were lovely, curious things and, you know, monkeys! Can't go wrong with monkeys! At least, that's what I always thought. But there was one more monkey-related experience, that, well, wasn't as exciting or pleasant...

We are at the hotel, having spent the morning swimming, lazing by the pool and walking on the beach, and we decide to head up to the room to change into dry togs for lunch.

Drinks in hand, we board the elevator and a bride and groom get on with us. (He is in linen pants and shirt with a flower pinned to his lapel. She is in a tea length bridal gown. And they are hanging onto each other.)

Us: Getting married today?
Them, gazing into each other's eyes: Just got married!
Us: Oh, how nice! Congratulations.
Them, barely aware of our presence: Thanks.
Us: You had gorgeous weather for it.
Them: Mm... yes.

Hubby and I exchange looks, figuring they're not looking at us anyway. He gives me the "pointing with the eyes" thing that says, silently but emphatically, "did you see that?!" and I casually let my eyes drop to where he's indicating. There, on the bride, is the worst case of monkey feet I've ever seen. Her toes are long and angled in a variety of directions and her third toe (Yes, the middle of the foot toe!) is the longest toe on each foot.

Ugh! And this lucky groom is about to get some of that monkey foot action. What a brave fellow.

As we leave them to their honeymooning and make sure we're out of earshot...

Did you *see* *those* *feet*?!

Wasn't that horrible?!!


What do you suppose is wrong with him?

It's gotta be pretty bad to put up with that!


So, here is the question du jour: Would "watch me peel a banana" monkey feet be a deal breaker?

22 comments:

Fearless in Toronto said...

No, but they could never be exposed to the world. I could get used to sex with socks and shoes.

Shannon said...

I'd have to learn to deal with monkey-toes, as I find socks in bed to be a total turnoff.

justjp said...

There is no way I could deal with that! Too freaky for me. BTW: when I read the headline, I thought of the evil monkey from Family Guy.

liferehab said...

My boy has crazy monkey feet. he can throw a ball with them. I kind of think they're so hideous that they're cute. Especially with his over grown toe nails (he can't reach his toes, so he makes me cut them) and all his crooked toes from being hit in the feet with hockey pucks. Thinking those feet are cute? It must be love...

charlotteharris said...

hilarious story, i am home sick today and needed this laugh! anyway monkey feet i can deal with, but if he can't drive a stick shift? adios!

Liebchen said...

That would take some definite getting used to. I wonder how long they dated before she showed her bare feet. I'm guessing a while. (I might be a mean person.)

Oliveira said...

You can't possibly judge people on the basis of their feet! What an appalling, horrible thing to say.

...

Having said that, I could totally imagine myself telling a guy that I've ALWAYS had a major fetish for sex with shoes on.

longredcape said...

I'd have to see just how bad these feet were.

I can't date someone with messed up teeth, though. Absolutely not.

LBluca77 said...

You should of asked how long she can hang from her feet from trees.

Mike said...

My second toe is longer than my big toe. According to the internet this is a sign of intellegence.

f.B said...

This is why I have a no tolerance policy for foot to foot contact. Feet are gross.

dmb5_libra said...

there is no excuse for that. that poor groom probably had gashes all ovver his body from them thangs.

repliderium.com said...

Creepy........I hate creepy feet! WEAR SOCKS PEOPLE!!!!!

LiLu said...

There's one part of the body plastic surgery cain't do nothin for.

restaurant refugee said...

I am ashamed to admit that I have always mumbled over the song lyric in the title of this post. Thanks for clarifying that for me.

rs27 said...

No way, I wouldn't kick any woman out of bed regardless, so maybe I'm not the best judge

Kate said...

Monkey Foot action. Oh yeah.

Barbara said...

I'm sure he knew what he was getting into when he married her. But whose feet will their kids get?

lacochran said...

Fearless in Toronto: Socks *and* shoes. Not takin' any chances there.

Shannon: Tough call.

Justjp: Yeah, you might not want to look at my profile too closely.

Liferehab: Are you sure *he's* the one that got hit with the puck?

CharlotteHarris: It's good to have standards! :) Hope you feel better soon.

Liebchen: I'm guessing you're right. (I guess that makes me mean, too.)

Oliveira: Stick around. You'll be amazed at the stupid things I judge people on.

Longredcape: Yeah, nasty teeth don't invite kissing.

Lbluca77: Rum punch slows my brain even more than usual.

Mike: Well, the internet would know. I've seen a lot of people with a long second toe but this was my first long third toe.

f.B: No footsie for you, huh?

dmb5_libra: I never saw him again so maybe she killed him with those thangs.

Repliderium.com: To quote Sebastian Manasculco, "Sock it!"

LiLu: I never thought about that. You're probably right!

RestaurantRefugee: Happy to serve. Type in "lyric" followed by a snippet of any song and the internet will provide you with 16 versions of the lyrics. Some of them will even agree.

Rs27: You are more benevolent than me. Or desperate.

Kate: Hot stuff, huh?

Barbara: Excellent and scary question!

Titania said...

My feet are the one part of my body I have always (read: since puberty) been self-conscious about. I actually have long skinny toes (monkey feet anyone?). I hate them. I hate sex with sock more though, that is an even worse passion-killer

lacochran said...

Titania: I'm sure yours are lovely compared with this chick's. Trust me.

Kate said...

It wouldn't be a deal breaker as long as they wore socks or closed shoes at all times. Unless, of course, I want to scare someone.