03 April 2009

"Froggy went a courtin' and he did ride, uh-huh" --traditional folk song

In between the long-term relationships in my life, I've, um, kissed a few frogs. I've already mentioned Baby Oil Guy, so why not elaborate on a few more... you know, the ones I haven't blocked out altogether. I go out with some of these guys. Others, um, no. Just, No.

Assorted Reasons I Have Rejected Guys (in loosely chronological order, with one bullet per fella)

Age 7:

  • He thinks armpit farts are the height of hilarity.
Okay, at 7, I didn't so much reject him, as stop crushing on him. In my mind, he was appropriately devastated.*

Age 14:
  • He doesn't know how to play pinball.
Mind you, this was in the era of pinball machines in every pizza place. It wasn't that he was bad. He. Didn't. Know. How. It was like he'd never encountered one. He stood there and read the instructions on the pinball machine. If you want to get a feel for how odd this was, substitute "use a microwave" for "play pinball".

Age 16:
  • He brings a boombox on our double date, so he can express himself by playing one Foreigner song, over and over.
You can imagine how thrilled the other couple was. This pre-dates the movie Say Anything, which, by the way, featured a Peter Gabriel song.**

Age 17:
  • He is wrong. Insistently so.
Now, I have been known to argue a point that is clearly bogus just to see how far I can take it but get this: He takes me to a Tom Petty concert and every time Tom sings "Don't have to live like a refugee", he sings over Tom, "Don't have to live JUST like a refugee", as if Tom needs correcting. People turn and stare.
  • He looks like Howdy Doody. With acne.
You're looking for elaboration?
  • He waits too long.
He is adorable, but friends with Howdy Doody (see above). He waits until a week after Howdy to ask me to the dance, leaving me in the awkward position of not being able to go with him because I've already told Howdy I'm not really into "the dance thing".

Age 18:
  • He abandons me.
He makes me take the bus back from our first date. Alone. In an area I don't know. I wind up back at a skeevy bus terminal late at night, scared and unclear which stranger I must trust for help.***

Age 23:
  • He kisses like a two-year-old.
Copious slobber.

Age 25:
  • He wears a light brown, corduroy, three-piece suit to a black tie affair.
And not in an ironic way, either.
  • His dog bites him. Often.
I see the dog's point.

* But, then, in my mind, they always are.

** I sensed your longing for a useless bit of data. No thanks necessary. I'm here for you.
And about as accurate as Wiki. Wiki don't lose that number, you don't wanna call nobody else... What? Maybe you'd prefer Oh, Wiki, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind, Hey, Wiki! Hey, Wiki!...

*** That's right. I was an after school special. Luckily, like all after school special heroines, I had pluck.****

**** But mostly luck.


AbbotOfUnreason said...

Ah, but would you have rejected this guy:


Matt said...

you knows it's bad news when your own dog starts biting you.

LBluca77 said...

Ew a light brown, corduroy, three-piece suit!! Did it also have the patches on the elbows?

Liebchen said...

I've made lists like this in my head more times than I can count. I love it. (And I'm sure the 7-year-old was appropriately devastated. How could he not have been?)

f.B said...

Ugh. Stubborn-wrong is the worst kind.

fiona said...

Did I count EIGHT boyfriends?
Bluddy showoff!

Maxie said...

I think farts are pretty funny.

Can you give him my number?

rs27 said...

Women are animals.

Mike said...

"He brings a boombox on our double date, so he can express himself by playing one Foreigner song, over and over."

I've never gotten over the rejection.....

Kate said...

I never dated enough to kiss too many men. Hrpmh.

repliderium.com said...

Always trust a dog's opinion- they know us better than we do!
(Ewwwwww. slobbery kissing)
I once dumped a guy because he had small hands. Like freakishly small hands.

LiLu said...

See? Dogs always know. At least that's what Cesar says.

(Cesar being B doing an impression of Cesar.)

Cyndy said...

I mostly dumped guys because I got bored with them. Or they smelled. And that includes efforts to smell "good" which irritates my nose and makes my eyes water.

Barbara said...

I put a lot of stock on good kissing. If they had cigarette breath or did any number of other things I considered annoying, they were OUT without and explanation and without a second chance. I had a lot of first dates...

Bilbo said...

Armpit farts *aren't* the height of hilarity? Ohhhh....that answers a few questions...

lacochran said...

AbbotofUnreason: No. Creativity is hot!

Matt: Certainly not ideal.

LBluca77: It might as well have. It couldn't have been uglier.

Liebchen: Oo, share!

f.B: For sure.

Fiona: Showing off the losers that ask me out, that's me. Only one made it to boyfriend category. I'm not telling you which one. Nope. Too embarrassing.

Maxie: Sure!

Rs27: Growllllll.

Mike: You're still listening to it right now, aren't you?

Kate: Who said anything about kissing too many men?

Repliderium.com: Well, you know what they say: small hands... small eyes. Wait, that's not right.

LiLu: It's true. What's with the Blair Witch Project picture?

Cyndy: Smells are really easy to overdo.

Barbara: I hear ya.

Bilbo: Let me introduce you to Maxie...