06 January 2009

"Papa's got a brand new bag"--James Brown

[Letting the cat in the bag.]

I have found a lot of valuable things.*

Some of the valuable things I've found:

  • lots and lots and lots of coins (US and international)
  • US paper money in 1, 5, 10, and 20 denominations
  • a tri-color 14K gold bracelet that had been run over at least 5 times by the looks of it
  • a bank bag with cash in it
  • a 3/4 karat, brilliant cut diamond
Now, you'd think at least these last two would have great stories. You'd be wrong. Really.

Okay, I'll tell the more exciting of the two stories. On the edge of your seat? Here goes...

The bank bag story: I pick up my car from a service station after a minor repair. I am driving around and realize something is sticking out from under my seat. I pull over to check it out. There, I find a bank deposit bag! I think OH MY GOD! I open it! It contains $37.50. I call the service station. They say, yeah, they accidentally left it in there and could I bring it back? I do. They say thanks. The End.

I know! Totally boring, right?! Not exactly screenplay material.**

But, IF this were a movie:

a) I'd look gorgeous***;
b) there'd be thousands of dollars in the bank bag;
c) I'd be in adrenaline-pumping chase scenes with bad guys who scowl and shoot, poorly, at me and at least one car would roll over and/or take flight;
d) I'd have a nebbishy best friend who makes me laugh and worries about me;
e) Owen Wilson****, the lovable screw up, would totally save me; and
f) I'd get a reward for returning the money to it's rightful owner.

Admit it. You'd see that movie. Okay, maybe you'd wait until it hit Netflix, but you'd see it.*****

*And I don't mean "found" like you just "found" that twenty in your Dad's wallet on his dresser after you waited until he was in the bathroom with the fan on. I mean really found. Lying about. Unclaimed.

** Or even blogworthy material, but, hey, you've read this far... Sucker!

***I struggle with the idea, myself, but I hear Hollywood is big on tricks. Like dim lighting. And Vaseline on lenses.

****Owen's nose: adorable or disturbing? Discuss.

*****And then you'd blog about how you wasted your time watching this utterly predictable movie. And the beat goes on...


*Jac* said...

Owen Wilson's nose = amazing. I guess I have a thing for guys with screwy noses.

LBluca77 said...

Owen Wilson is the only guy that can get away with man bangs.

Liebchen said...

Oh yeah...I never thought about that. Owen Wilson can totally rock the man bangs.

(And yeah, I'd probably see that movie.)

Herb of DC said...

add some music, Brian Boitano and Tanya Harding and I would totally watch this on ice.

Barbara said...

So is the story about the found diamond the next in this series?

I did find a box of really old coins squirreled away in my father's attic (as only he knew how to hide things.) I imagine some of them are worth something, but alas I have squirreled it away in my basement and my children will probably be the ones to someday find out.

This is also the guy who hid my mother's diamond wedding ring and earrings in back of the panel behind the wood stove. Fortunately I knew to look there.

Kate said...

What about the diamond?

I'm all about the jewels.

fiona said...

I want to audition for the "nebbishy best friend" - pleeeze?

Katherine said...

Owen Wilson? Really? Ew. Go for somebody with appropriately saving-able muscles. Like the Rock. Sure he's borderline gross, but you know he can pull you out of the flaming car wreckage without breaking a sweat.

Mike said...

"They say thanks. The End."

Not the end. They were using your car to make delivery runs. What else did they use it for. Pick up lunch? Have a date with their girlfriend in the back seat? Get out the UV light and check.

Brett said...

Nose ? Disturbing.
Also what do you think of the friend being played by Judy Greer or Heather Matarazzo? Julia Louis-Dreyfuss..too neurotic?

Malnurtured Snay said...

Why the fuck did they have a bank bag in your car? Did they use your car to drive to the bank while they were testing to make sure their repairs worked? Weird.

I need to clean out my wallet.

rs27 said...

They were depositing 37.50 into a bank.

Must have been a slow year.

f.B said...

I have special assistant experience on my resume. So if this movie actually happens...

LiLu said...

Owen was my main "quirky" man crush... that is, until I discovered Jason Bateman. Done, done and DONE. (droollllmphhhhh...)

Reya Mellicker said...

even though it wasn't a movie, you were gorgeous. c'mon!

Matt said...

Can I have your coins?

just the USD ones?


charlotteharris said...

you already have the gorgeous taken care of... now about owen wilson... would you consider his cuter brother luke instead?

lacochran said...

*Jac*, LBluca77, Liebchen, Lilu: Thanks for weighing in on Owen.

Herb of DC: I'm working the deal with ABC now.

Barbara: Makes you wonder if you found everything he hid, yes? I've hidden things too well, at times, myself.

Kate: Oh, me, too. Maybe I should have kept it. But, stupid me, I turned it in to the reception folks at the fancy hall I found it at. I've lost a diamond-well, two, actually, and it's a horrible feeling. I didn't want someone else going through that.

Fiona, f.B: My agent is already calling your agent.

Katherine: I'd let the Rock pull me out of all kinds of things.

Mike: Malnurtured Snay hit it on the head.

Brett: The more neurotic the better.

Malnurtured Snay: Exactly. And thanks for sharing your To Do item.

Rs27: Indeed.

Reya Melliker: C'mon your own self. You're sweet.

Matt: I blew them all in a bad Bazooka investment in '06. Sorry.

CharlotteHarris: You're sweet. It's funny they're brothers, isn't it? They look so different to me.