"'Cause I want it that way" --Backstreet Boys

I was on the road last week.  At home, I know what I can eat and where in order to manage my post-Insanity weight (yes, I finished it!  9 weeks of intense workouts.  Can you believe it?*)  But here I was--out of town; away from the usual haunts.  I saw an Applebee's and remembered the recent TV commercials touting their new menu.  So, I stopped in for a salad.  Here were my choices under the section labeled SALADS:

1. Fiesta Chicken Chopped Salad
2. Seasonal Berry and Spinach Salad
3. California Shrimp Salad
4. Grilled Chicken Caesar Salad
5. Oriental Chicken Salad
6. Fried Chicken Salad

Long-time readers will no doubt remember I'm a pain in the ass pescatarian. I eat fish and seafood but I don't eat meat.  Meat includes chicken.  There goes numbers 1, 4, 5, and 6. 

Okay, so that leaves 2 & 3, not so bad.  Both titles sound promising.  I read the descriptions for them. 

The Seasonal Berry and Spinach Salad has "Grilled Chicken Breast" as its third ingredient.  You know, for those people that want chicken in their salad but don't want it in their salad title.**

Onward.

What's this?  The California Shrimp Salad has no chicken!  Huzzah!!!!!  A salad without chicken!!!!

However, the third ingredient in the California Shrimp Salad is "Crumbled Bacon".

That's right.  Every single Applebee's salad comes with meat.  By default.  Because nothing says 'salad' like meat!

I ordered the California Shrimp Salad.  Without the bacon.  Without the avocado.  With the dressing on the side.***  And, to their credit, they brought the salad quickly and exactly as ordered.  I tipped well.

Question du jour:  Will you risk being perceived as a pain in the ass high maintenance to get food the way you really want it or do you figure you'll just get it as written?






* Well, you don't have to be that surprised.  I have been known to finish exer... um, there was that once I... er... I see your point.

** Whaaaa...?

***
Sally Albright: But I'd like the pie heated and I don't want the ice cream on top, I want it on the side, and I'd like strawberry instead of vanilla if you have it, if not then no ice cream just whipped cream but only if it's real; if it's out of the can then nothing.
Waitress: Not even the pie?
Sally Albright: No, I want the pie, but then not heated.

"Tartlet. Tartlet. Tartlet. That word has lost all meaning."

Have you noticed how the term "salad" has lost all meaning?

Well, Webster's says it has meaning:

1: any of various usu. cold dishes: as a: raw greens (as lettuce) often combined with other vegetables and toppings and served especially with dressing b: small pieces of food (as pasta, meat, fruit, or vegetables) usually mixed with a dressing (as mayonnaise) or set in gelatin*

Oh, that clears it right up.

It's about temperature. But it's not. It's about greens. But it's not. It's about what it's dressed with. But it's not. It's about size.** But it's not. It's about suspension.*** But it's not.

English is such a specific language. Except when it's not.

At some point, somebody had to point to something that wasn't a salad prior to that moment in history and say "Prithee, Squire, passeth me the ...salad!" and somebody passed what he was pointing to and danged if the roast beast on dandelion greens didn't become a salad.

How about we lump soup and dessert in under "salad" and call it a day?

At my next physical, when the doctor asks about my diet, I'm going to tell him the truth: "Hand to god, Doc, every meal I eat is salad."



* Webster doesn't even mention fish but I've seen plenty of fish salads. And taco salads. And...

** That's what she said!

*** And why is there always room for Jello? Is it the compression factor?

Frustrating Feasts (Art? Food? Both? Neither??)

There are many parts of enjoying a restaurant experience beyond the taste of the food: the coziness of the decor, the level of noise, the attentiveness of the waitstaff, the quality of the drinks, and so on. An important aspect is the presentation of the food, or "plating" as the Food Network is irritatingly fond of calling it. That is, arranging the food on the plate in such a way that it has visual appeal versus just slopping something on a plate any which way. It requires some forethought to consider not just a balance of flavors in a dish but also a balance of colors, textures, shapes, and so on. Much like an artist must consider all elements of a composition, so must the chef.

When it's done right, it is a pleasure to both the eyes and the taste buds. But sometimes chefs get carried away with presentation. Salads seem to be a particular struggle for them. It's like at some point as they are putting their menus together they each say, "Well, anybody can put a spinach salad together but if we're going to charge $14 for $3 worth of ingredients we have to find a way to make it memorable!"

A few months ago I ordered a salad and received a tower on a plate. Truly an architectural wonder. But to eat it required destroying it. There was no other way in. As soon as I tried to ease a small piece out of the configuration it fell to pieces like a bad round of Jenga. [Note to self: Is there such a thing as a good round of Jenga??]

Last night I had a very good restaurant meal. But still... I started with an arugula, pear and Parmesan salad. Sounds good, no? You know what I got? 6 1-millimeter thick slices of pear that were cut lengthwise so you got a set of pear profiles--about 3 inches long each--on the base of the plate, all facing clockwise at equal distance around the plate [June Taylor couldn't have arranged it better]; a large mound of lightly dressed arugula; and 1 2-inch by 2-inch finger nail-thin square of top-of-the-line Parmesan cheese centered on top. It was lovely, yes. I could only sit and admire it so long, though, and then I wanted to eat it. But do I want to eat the slice of cheese followed by the mound of arugula followed by the pieces of pear? No! I ordered them as a unit and I WANT THEM MIXED TOGETHER IN PIECES SMALL ENOUGH TO FIT IN MY MOUTH! Is that too much to ask? It's a SALAD fergawdssake. I'll give you the $14 if you'll just TOSS IT!! Presentation be damned!

Want to get wild? Sprinkle a little fresh herb around the edge of the plate for presentation and get over yourselves, chefs of the DC metro area. If I wanted "do it yourself" I'd have stayed home.