28 January 2010

"You've got to stop and smell the roses" --Mac Davis

There are regular check ups for your teeth and your eyes and your ears but where's your nose in all of this? Shouldn't it be front and center? Shouldn't you be getting your sense of smell checked regularly?

How bad would it be to be hard of smelling? You wouldn't be able to fully enjoy your favorite meals, wines, flowers if the old honker was on the decline. Terrible. So, sure, you'd want to do everything you could to fix it. Get your six month scratch and sniff test.

Even so, you know what they say... Guys don't make passes at girls who wear smelling aids.

So unfair.

Here is very funny Jeremy Hotz on doctors and dentists...

Jeremy Hotz - Doctors and Dentists

Joke of the DayStand-Up Comedy

Question du jour: Do you believe in regular (preventative) check ups? Or is it really just a scam/overkill?

27 January 2010

A quickie

We are in different rooms. I am reading aloud from a Hollyhock catalog...

Me: Ooo, they have meditation classes. You like meditation.


Me: Do you want to "awaken joy"?

Hubby: Who's Joy? And why would I want to wake her up?


Hubby: I didn't even ask if "awaken" was one word or two.

Me: *pause* HEEEEYYY!

26 January 2010

"I heard it through the grapevine" --Marvin Gaye

So, Office Politics is king right now in my organization. OP has already beaten up a half dozen people who dared to hang out in the locker room a smidge too long and there are rumors of swirlies. Well, more than rumors. A few people have come back with dripping hair.

No, no. Don't have to go. I'll hold it until I get home.

So, you'll forgive me if I'm a little distracted.* See, every day there are more stories.

Me? I'm quietly doing my homework and maybe a little extra credit, avoiding reasons to call attention to myself, and periodically checking for "kick me" signs.

Fun times.

And since I've gone off on this high school analogy, let's extend it to the question of the day. Clue me in: Do high school students still pass notes? Is it all electronic now? Does the teacher catch you and make you read your text to the entire class? Has the traditional handwritten "Check a box" note been replaced by a radio button survey? Are the crude drawings of Mr. McFinkle's butt now crafted lovingly with Photoshop?

* What do you mean "You're full of excuses"?! I really was sick last week and there really is office politics going on and my neighbor's dog probably ate my blog post. It's possible. He threw up something chunky looking so it might have been that.

21 January 2010

"Put the lime in the coconut, drink 'em both up" --Harry Nilsson

I got zapped with something nasty Tuesday night and I've been down for the count since. But, it hasn't all been bad...

Top Five Reasons It's Good to Be Sick

5) Have genuine excuse to work my "pathetic" look.

4) Able to cite impressive fever stats to boss instead of more common and suspicious "not feeling so good" reason for not reporting to work.

3) The Golden Girls.

2) Can use exciting terms like "surprising" and "dramatic" when talking about bodily functions.

1) Able to lose three pounds in one day.*

Question du jour: Does being sick give you the right to expect pampering? *insert pathetic look here*

* Amazing what frequent trips to the bathroom, fever sweats and lack of appetite will do. I am single-handedly redefining the term "Biggest Loser success story." So exciting! If people are willing to inject botulism into their foreheads, surely they'll ingest it to slim right down. You heard it here first.**

** This could also lead to the reopening of several DC restaurants.

19 January 2010

"And you want to do it right because you like to do it right" --Jane Siberry

Since I ratted out an old office-mate in the last post, I'll divulge something strange about myself in a blatant karma re-balancing attempt. When I was a kid, I would eat my food one item at a time. Nobody taught me this. I just did it.

So maybe I'd start with the corn (*said in Turtle Boy voice*: I like corn!) and I'd eat all the corn on my plate before moving on to the turkey burger and eating as much turkey burger as I wanted and then I'd eat the green beans. I tended to eat in the order of preference. I don't know why I ate serially. It just felt better to me.

As I moved into adulthood, I came to realize something: people stare at you when you eat like this.

So, I stopped doing this. Sometimes I'm so aware of this that if I'm eating a melange of food--say a fruit salad, I'll try to eat the components in a balanced way such that I don't have only one type of fruit left as I near the end.

That's much better, right?



I don't freak out if my food touches but I will say I'm happier if it doesn't. I sometimes pick up salad at a grocery store salad bar for lunch. I always pick the containers with the dividers. On one of these trips, I had my green salad in the main compartment and cottage cheese in another compartment and fruit in the third compartment. I got up to the register and placed the clear, sealed container on the belt. It got up to the cashier. She weighed it, picked it up, looked at it and shook it violently. Let me restate, she SHOOK IT VIOLENTLY. Who knows, maybe it was too neat for her. She didn't say. She, then, put it in the plastic bag and announced my total. A field of red came down in front of my eyes. I was so mad I was speechless. She was oblivious.

Questions du jour: Do any of you eat your food serially? Is this a sign of genius?*

* It just makes sense that it would be, right? Right? Oh.

15 January 2010

"Just Walk Away" --Kelly Clarkson

[Merry Christmas from your office pals.]

I'm not the nicest person. No, really. Oh, stop, already. *push*

I admit that there is a part of me that enjoys tweaking people that take themselves oh, so seriously. I further admit, I can dish it out but I'm not always good about taking it.

I once shared a small office with a woman who was the epitome of "buttoned down."

A few examples...

She only listened to "Lite" music on the old clock radio she'd brought in for that purpose. Mind you, her desk was about two feet from my desk. While she was out of the office for lunch one day, I switched the radio to the local alternative rock station.* When she came back she wasn't happy.

I admitted I'd switched the station just while she was out and hoped that was okay, and was fine with her switching it back to her regular station. No, it wasn't okay. She told me that I wasn't to touch her radio.*** She wound up turning the radio off for good. Um, okay. I was good with that--not that she discussed her decision with me.

I came to understand over time that perhaps my office buddy had some issues. This was the same woman who wouldn't plan anything, even on the weekends, that required her to stay up past 9 PM because then she'd be "off" in her sleep patterns.

For real. And did I mention this "Lite" listening, not-up-past-9-PM chick was 26?

Sure, I could have let this woman be. It would have been the humane thing; the compassionate thing. And she was wound so tight, who knows what could have happened if someone were to push her just a teeny bit.

I may have pushed her just a teeny bit.

Nothing terrible, forheavenssake. But, hey, I had access to her stuff, even stuff I was "not to touch." But, *cough*, technically so did a lot of people on the hall, so, you know, who's to say for sure what happened exactly? It's hazy.

What we do know...

Apparently, she left her computer unattended one day and a message went out from "her" to all of her colleagues stating that she would be dancing naked in the parking lot at 2 PM in celebration of Spring and inviting them to join her in her frolicking.

Everyone knew it was a joke.

She never said a word.

We remained office mates for another year or so and then our assignments led us to different places.

Which brings us to the questions du jour: Can you/do you dish it out? If so, can you take it?

* How many hours of Debby Boone and Juice Newton should a person be subjected to? **

** Wikipedia says "four."

*** Which stung since I was up on my cootie shots and everything.

08 January 2010

Assorted Flotsam

  • Just for the record, should I pass via a car accident, I would prefer not to have the spot marked by cheesy plastic flowers; a heart on a stake; or a rain-sodden, filthy Snuggle teddy bear. *shudder* I would prefer a tasteful, Vegas-worthy display with flashing lights moving in various monkey-shaped patterns.
  • Experts tell us we should stop eating when we are 80% full. Isn't that like saying, you should try to be healthy? I do not know when I am 80% full. Sadly, I do know when I am 120% full. If I knew when I was 80% full, I wouldn't be up a size. Can we get a bell to ring? Maybe I could pay someone to sit next to me and blast one of those aah-OOOO-gah horns when I hit 80%. THAT would be useful. Unlike...
  • I just heard about a study which found all sorts of undesirable body "debris" (anywhere from bits o' skin to bits o' excrement) on clothing that was being sold at popular fashion stores. Okay, fine. People try clothes on and then decide not to buy them. People are disgusting. Clothes get disgusting. I get that. How does knowing there are tiny bits of body debris on the clothes I'm trying on help me? How do any of the studies now purported as "news" help anyone? Can we stop the fear-mongering for two minutes?

Chief: What have you got?

Flerdner: I've got a lead on a possible bacteria in apples that occurs naturally and can't be removed.

Chief: I like it! Get the art department to come up with a menacing looking apple and write over it "An apple a day might be killing you."

Moxie: Wait! You haven't even heard my story idea: we report on the impurities in the water.

Chief: I like your moxie, Moxie, but it's been done.

Moxie: Not with microscopic views. Picture a petri dish of micro-organisms filling peoples' 60" screens. People won't know what the heck they're looking at crawling around on their screens. They won't know the good from the bad!

Flerdner: But, Chief, apples are what people associate with keeping the doctor away.

Moxie: Nobody eats apples anymore. Everybody drinks water.

Chief, eyeing his bottle of water: Call the art department and ask them to gen up some scary paramecium!

Moxie beams.

07 January 2010

TMI/"And sleep, just sleep" --My Chemical Romance

In honor of TMI Thursday, I'll share a recent conversation.

Hubby: Were you all right last night?

Me: What do you mean?

Hubby: I woke up and you were sleeping half-way down the bed.

Me: I was?

Hubby: Yes. You even pulled a pillow down with you.

Me: Huh. ...I remember waking up at one point and I was all sweaty and drooly so I went in search of a dry spot. Maybe that was it.


Me: What? Too sexy?

Which brings us to the question of the day: Does sexy reside in your mind or your body?

05 January 2010

"And they called it puppy love" --Donny Osmond

[Oh, to be as cool as these guys.]

When I was a kid, I had a friend who was into Donny Osmond. I mean INTO. I would go over to her house and she would regale me with fantasies about Donny Osmond. They were pretty PG as fantasies go... He'd get her fan letter and show up at her door and she'd just DIE! And then he'd come in and hold her hand and instantly fall in love with her and she'd just DIE! And he'd smile that famous smile and ask her to marry him and she'd DIE!!! SHE'D JUST DIE!!!!

I was not into Donny Osmond. Too clean cut. Too meh. Donny was no David "I'll let you touch my Puka shells" Cassidy. He was no Parker "I'll solve your mystery" Stevenson. And, for the record, Donny is a little bit rock and roll like I'm a little bit Playboy bunny.* Yeah, not so much.

But, I didn't mock my friend. I can't remember a time when I didn't crush on some TV or movie fella. But, I've never had a desire to meet them. Oh, maybe I fantasized a bit but I couldn't imagine a scenario where actually meeting an idol would be a good thing.

First, I'd sound like an idiot. What could I say that they hadn't heard a million times before? Even if we did start a real conversation, they could tell me about Hollywood and I could tell them about Martin in Social Studies who kept kicking my chair. Smooooooooth.

Second, the instant I met them, they'd stop being an idol and start being a real live (boring) human being. No thanks. Even reading interviews in magazines killed off a few idols for me. Did I need to know that Patrick Swayze thought Johnny Castle's saying "Nobody puts Baby in a corner" was stupid? No, I did not. Did I need to know that Harrison Ford enjoyed the company of both Anne "Manson Eyes" Heche and Calista "I'm shaped like an all-day sucker" Flockhart? Again, no.**

Which leads to the question du jour: Would you actually want to meet someone you idolized?

* I get that the Bunny outfits were skimpy for the time, but what's sexy about a bunny? Is it the tameness? The fur? Is this how Furries started?

** Please don't tell me anything bad about Bradley Cooper. I'm begging you.

04 January 2010

"Let it grow, let it grow, let it blossom, let it flow" --Eric Clapton

In our house, the brightest, most cheerful room happens to be the laundry room. It is remarkably sunnier than the rest of the house.* So, it has become our conservatory, too.

Me: Come into the laundry room. It's gorgeous in here.

We stand, looking around at the variety of plants we have in the laundry room. I point to one that is tied multiple times to a stake to keep it from toppling over. It is taller than me.

Me: Look how happy that plant is!

Him: Oh, it's happy all right.

Me, observing how close it is to the ceiling: We'll have to buy a larger house for it.

Him, chuckling: We'll have to cut it back.

Me: Noooo! Look how happy it is!

Him: It'll be happier if we cut it back. If we cut it, it'll have two heads.

Me: Leave it to a man to think it'll be happier with two heads.

* Seriously, people remark.