What's a matta, Hockey Puck?

In co-housing, when you sit on your front porch it means you are open to company and when you sit on your back porch it means you want to be left in peace.

Apparently, my neighborhood has adopted this philosophy, without so much as a vote in the (nonexistent) "common house", even though we are NOT co-housers, we are independent owners.

Well, not everybody in the neighborhood has adopted this philosophy.

Okay, one neighbor.

One neighbor, in particular, is a self-appointed neighborhood watch. He is ALWAYS on his front porch and the minute anyone else on the court steps out their front door he has something to say. You know, some delightfully pithy comment at top volume from his porch, like "I see you're washing your car. You want to wash mine, too? I'll let you do it for a reasonable price!"

AhHaHaHaHaHa.

He is an equal opportunity shouter. No one escapes his notice.

Another couple living on the court is expecting and the male portion of the pair was the recipient of a "daddy shower" today. As I make my way out my front door to get a little of that rare commodity: sun(!) and hopefully see the affectionate neighborhood cat, who often approaches me on the front porch but almost never finds me when I am on the back porch, I notice that the party next door is breaking up. Mr. Neighborhood Watch shouts--and I quote-- "Hey, ____, that wasn't much of a party! It's over already?!" Party guests, who were leaving, stop and stare.

AhHaHaHaHaHa.

What does one say to this type of loudmouth?

Mind you, this is the same guy who will run to help you haul a 50-pound bag of soil, or clear your driveway of snow with his snow blower before you even realize he's done it. And, in more ways than the way I've listed, he really is our neighborhood watch. Since he insists on talking to everyone, he effectively challenges any stranger who comes by so we're less likely to get robbed. Overall, he's a good neighbor.

But I could do with a little less of the unrequested attention. Every time I head out the front door, I feel like I have stumbled into one of those insult comic shows and I am dreading the moment when the spotlight will be trained on me.