11 December 2008

Real conversations/"Can you hear me, I've been calling all day" --Yaz



Real conversations from yesterday with only the names changed (to more accurate ones):

Idiot #1, National Catalogue Morons Customer Service: NCM Customer Service, this is Idiot #1. How may I help you?

Me: I just received a shipping confirmation email on a gift I ordered. [I provide order #.] The confirmation says a free gift of cheese and sausage is being included with the gift. This is a Hanukah gift. Do you know how inappropriate it is to send sausage in a Hanukah gift??

Idiot #1: Oh dear. I'm sorry but I can't help you. You'll need to talk to Corporate. Here's their number: [1-800 number.]

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Idiot #2, NCM Corporate: NCM Corporate Customer Service, this is Idiot #2. Can I help you?

Me: I certainly hope so. I just received a shipping confirmation email on a gift I ordered. [I provide order #.] The confirmation says a free gift of cheese and sausage is being included with the gift. This is a Hanukah gift. Do you know how inappropriate it is to send sausage in a Hanukah gift??

Idiot #2: Ma'am?

Me: It's completely inappropriate. I didn't order it. I don't want it. I want the shipment stopped. Can you do that?

Idiot: #2: Um, I don't think so.

Me: Can you see if it's been delivered yet?

Idiot #2: It looks like it's scheduled to be delivered maybe tomorrow or the next day.

Me: I need you to stop that shipment.

Idiot #2: ... Please hold.

[Muzak version of Silver Bells]

Idiot #2: I'm sorry, Ma'am. I can't stop the shipment. I can give you a discount.

Me: That's not acceptable.

Idiot #2: Um... I'm sorry, Ma'am?

Me: I want to speak to a manager.

Idiot #2: Um... please hold.

[Muzak version of Silver Bells]

Idiot #2: Um, I'm sorry, Ma'am. We can't stop the shipment but you can call UPS yourself and stop it. Here's the number [1-800 number and tracking number].

Me: I can stop it but you can't.

Idiot #2: Yes, Ma'am.

Me: Fine.

----------

UPS Customer Service: UPS, can I help you?

Me: I need to stop a package that's being delivered. [I provide tracking number.]

UPS Customer Service: Who am I speaking with?

Me: L. A. Cochran. I ordered the gift that's in the package.

UPS Customer Service: The good news is it hasn't been delivered yet. It's still on the truck. The bad news is that only NCM can cancel the delivery since they're the ones that sent it.

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NCM Corporate: NCM Corporate Customer Service. This is Idiot #3. How may I help you?

Me: I need to speak with a manager. Now.

Idiot #3: Is there something I can help you with?

Me: No. And this is time sensitive.

Idiot #3: Is this in relation to an order?

Me: Yes.

Idiot #3: Can I get the order number so the manager can help you faster?

Me: [I provide order #.]

Idiot #3: One moment please.

[Muzak version of Silver Bells]

Idiot #4: This is Idiot #4. How can I help you?

Me: You're a manager?

Idiot #4: Yes.

Me: I received a shipping confirmation email on a gift I ordered. [I provide order #.] The confirmation says a free gift of cheese and sausage is being included with the gift. This is a Hanukah gift. Sending them sausage is completely unacceptable. I contacted UPS to stop the shipment. They said it's still on the truck but I can't stop it. However, they said you can. I want it stopped.

Idiot #4: Oh, that free gift gets put in automatically.

Me: That's unfortunate. I'd like you to stop the shipment.

Idiot #4: See, most people like the free gift. Our folks would have no way of knowing it was a Hanukah gift.

Me: It was sent with a Hanukah card. And a message that said "Happy Hanukah".

Idiot #4: Oh. We don't get a lot of that. Most people like the free gift.

Me, speaking slowly: Do you understand that this shipment needs to be stopped?

Idiot #4: I'll call UPS and see if I can stop it. I'll call you back either way in 10 minutes.

Me: Thank you.

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Idiot #5, NCM Corporate: NCM Corporate Customer Service, this is Idiot #5, how can I help you?

Me: Can I speak to Idiot #4, please?

Idiot #5: Idiot #4?

Me: Yes.

Idiot #5: I'm not sure I know Idiot #4. Is there something I can help you with?

Me: Idiot #4 is a manager. Can you find her for me?

Idiot #5: I'm not sure what department Idiot #4 is in.

Me: I called this same number, asked for a manager and I got Idiot #4.

Idiot #5: You did?

Me: Yes.

Idiot #5: Okay, did you get a message asking for you to call her?

Me: No. I spoke with her and she said she'd call me back in 10 minutes. It's now been 20 minutes. So I'd like to speak with her.

Idiot #5: Okay, let me see if I can get her.

[Muzak version of Silver Bells]

Idiot #4: I was just about to call you. I was able to stop the shipment. We'll take the free gift out and re-ship it.

Me: Thank you.

Idiot #4: I don't know where you are but we don't have a lot of Jews here so we don't know about these things.

Me:

Idiot #4: So, that's why we did that.

Me:

Idiot #4: So, it should be all taken care of.

Me: Thank you.

Idiot #4: Thanks for shopping NCM!


25 comments:

Fearless in Toronto said...

Having a flashback of a very traumatic DHL experience involving cruise tickets and a departing boat. *shudder*

Matt said...

They are very lucky you did not murder them from over the phone.

Doug said...

Oy.

Kate said...

We don't have many Jews here?

I mean seriously. That's a classic.

Kristin said...

Free sausage? They just throw in some free sausage?!

I feel your pain.

fiona said...

Get them to send the free gift directly to you.
You KNOW where to shove it!
Ask for 5 that way each eejit can have their own and you'll get 5x the satisfaction!

f.B said...

i'm with Kristin. free sausage? who gives away free sausage with any online-ordered gift? and Jews aren't like those proverbial falling trees in a forest. you don't have to be near them to know they exist and don't want sausage for Hanukah

Bilbo said...

Salami aleikum. The whole post was worth it for two things: (1) the knowledge that I'm not the only one who's gone 'round the bend with morons on the phone; and (2) the opportunity to hear Fiona's voice in my mind saying "eejit" in that wonderful Scots accent.

Liebchen said...

This was fantastic, and I totally feel your pain.

"I was just about to call you!" Lies. All lies.

Brett said...

where are they based so I may never travel there?

Or maybe I will, with a Torah on my back and a giant star of david.

MadameMeow said...

Wow. Just a plain and simple wow.

I think my favorite is "Most people like the free gift"... way to try to make you feel guilty while not doing their job!

rs27 said...

Anytime I offer free sausage it's also declined.

i know how you feel.

Katherine said...

Well, I now know where the idiots of the world congregate.

Erin/LoCo Loca said...

Literally laughing out loud. Twice.

Thanks. :)

BTW, ironically, my Blogger word verification word below is stedl. Not spelled quite right for Yiddish, but perhaps they "have Jews there" at Blogger. ;-)

Mike said...

Were you taking notes during all this? That's a lot to remember.

fattylumpa said...

Oh man, I am CRYING. This is hilarious in a sad and horrible way. ARGH! Customer Service calls ALWAYS go that way, don't they?? At least they weren't in India. Or...maybe they were.

I mean....silver lining is that you got a great post out of it ;)

Herb of DC said...

Sad, ridiculous and not that surprising these days. It is also pathetic that while reading most of this post I was wondering the true identity of NCM so I could get free pork products.

ErinSlick said...

Free sausage? That's so random. I'm curious though, how long did this take you? I'm sure it was hours.

lacochran said...

Fearless in Toronto: Don't leave us hanging... did you make the ship?

Matt: I do not have your fist of power or they would have been dead.

Doug: Oy gevalt.

Kate: Yeah, that's a good excuse for a national company, right? Sheesh.

Kristin: Apparently it's very popular with most of their demographic.

Fiona: First the stuffing of the Turkey and now this. Am I stomping your last nerves?

f.B: You're too rational. You'll never work in customer service.

Bilbo: Salami-->Salam-->Shalom... I get it. Oy.

Liebchen: I fear it may all be lies and the sausage may be delivered today anyway. Sighhhhh.

Brett: Da-da-da-DA-Da-DAAA! It's Super Jew! :)

MadameMeow: Astounding, right?

Rs27: Actually, that would be knowing how *they* feel. Good joke, though.

Katherine: You mean NCM and not my blog, right?

Erin/LoCo Loca: Glad my pain is your amusement. That's what I'm hear for. And, yes, amazingly ironic.

Mike: Lunacy has a way of burning into my brain. Plus, by the time I was conversing with the 4th idiot, I knew this was too bizarre not to blog about. As soon as I hung up on the last call, I wrote it all out. I live to serve.

Fattylumpa: Glad you were amused.

Herb of DC: So you're their demographic. E-mail me if you're serious.

ErinSlick: It sure felt like it. Probably about 45 minutes in real time, though.

LiLu said...

Oh wow... and you didn't even call them out here? You are a kinder person than I. Must be all that Chaunukah spirit!

Sean said...

So after all of this, did the company actually stop the shipment?

lacochran said...

LiLu: I'm hoping they fixed it. Don't want to ruin the karma.

Sean: That's what Idiot #4 said. As the recipient won't be opening any packages until the holiday anyway, only time will tell.

Malnurtured Snay said...

I'd bet you dollars to donuts Idiot #4 went into the break room and started banging his or her head into the fridge, and when asked why by Idiot #6, will say, "I just told some lady 'we don't have many Jews around here.' She must think I'm a friggin' Nazi."

Idiot #6: "Well, as long as she's not a blogger. If she is, you're fucked."

singlikesassy said...

Idiot #4: I don't know where you are but we don't have a lot of Jews here so we don't know about these things.

*blink**blink**blink*

emmajames said...

All I can say is.. Wow. Really. Wow.

Oh, wait, there's something else I can say... You are a much better person than I.

And one more thing...

WOW.