10 December 2008

"Didn't you ever feel like the largest Elizabeth in the world?" --The Roches

[A messier approximation of the lusciosity lying in wait for me Saturday night.]

My thoughts Saturday night at the party*...

Oh, look! Steamed shrimp and cocktail sauce! Love it! And it's so healthy! Low fat! Low calorie! Fantastic!

Well, I can't stand next to the shrimp platter all night. People are starting to notice. Note to self: Next time don't growl when someone reaches for a shrimp.

A few chips and dip won't hurt too bad. Tasty!

ow, those cheese stuffed shells look really good... Maybe just a little... but that doesn't look right to leave half a shell in the pan... I'll just even that up. Mmm, these are the BEST STUFFED SHELLS I HAVE EVER HAD!

Okay, cheese and crackers... hm... I'll just eat the cheese. Gotta cut back somewhere.

Oooo, cream puffs. Look how adorably tiny they are. Oh my god! They're filled with custard instead of cream! Custard puffs!! These are incredible!

What? Someone just brought cheesecake?! Are you flippin' kidding me? I LOVE cheesecake!

Here's my philosophy: if you're going to do something you know you shouldn't do, you might as well enjoy it. At least while you are doing it.

And so I do. I enjoy this luscious food so much I could be Mickey Rourke and Kim Basinger in the kitchen scene in 9 1/2 Weeks. I eat so much that I wonder if I am beginning to resemble Violet, the blueberry girl, in Willy Wonka.

We leave before the Oompa Loompas can start circling.***

Sunday morning, also known as "The Morning of Regret", I survey the damage.

I exercise. I peruse two magazines I receive that are "stay fit" oriented. In one, I come across an article for healthy snacks. I am quoting one of the recipes, verbatim, here, so get ready to hit print for this tantalizing treat:

Parmesan Rice Cakes

2 brown rice cakes
1 tsp. tomato paste (optional)
2 tsp. grated Parmesan cheese
Black pepper

Spread the rice cakes with tomato paste if using. Sprinkle with cheese and season with pepper. Toast in a toaster oven or broiler until cheese melts. Watch carefully--they cook fast. Let cool.

Doesn't that sound totally delicious and satisfying? No?

Okay, seriously, how totally sad is that?!

I hope that I am never that hard up for a snack.

I love the fact that there are only four ingredients, including the black pepper, and the tomato paste is optional. It's optional, fergawdssake! Wouldn't want to go hog wild and put a whole TEASPOON of tomato paste on those nummy brown rice cakes! That would be way too indulgent. Somebody stop me! I'm reaching for the teaspoon!

*shakes head*

* Because you can only play "Find the Pickle" for so long and then you have to give it a rest.**

** What? Too easy?

*** Judgy bastards. The O.L.s, not you. I'm sure you're thinking well of me at this point.


Cyndy said...

rice cakes = styrofoam coffee cups

I think this is true, although I've never been hungry enough to actually eat a coffee cup.

Matt said...

cheese stuffed anything = delicious.

Bilbo said...

Am I the only person who makes Chex Party Mix by the cubic yard? And don't get between me and the shrimp...

Anonymous said...

It's the holiday season (read: holiday party season;) in for a penny, in for a pound.

fiona said...

Hey darlin, your rice cake recipe looks "Cheap and Easy" hmmmm did Mike recommend it? lol

charlotteharris said...

ugh! oh because a real english muffin pizza is soooo many more calories than a rice cake pizza? you don't need to sink so low no matter how many passed hors doeurves you ate this weekend

Narm said...

So you aren't into Oompa Loompas? Midgets make every situation better.

f.B said...

i had a rice cake. once. i didn't like how it made me feel as a person.

Doug said...

I never half ass anything... especially if it involves food. I can always work out tomorrow... or the next day... or whenever I get around to it.

And fuck the O.l.'s - I hope those judgy bastards drown in the chocolate river. Hmm I didn't realize I harbored that much resentment against them.

Kate said...

I figure, it's the holidays and I'm going to eat whatever I damn well please. There's plenty of time to exercise when it's daylight out more than six hours a day.

Seriously. I don't diet during December. What's the point?

rs27 said...

I like rice krispies.

LiLu said...

That is the most ridiculous "diet" version of a pizza I've ever heard. Whole wheat English Muffins? Sure. Part-skim mozzarella? Why not. But I refuse to eat TOMATO PASTE ON CARDBOARD and pretend it's okay.

LBluca77 said...

I would sell my future children for cream puffs.

lacochran said...

Cyndy: Hm, same color... do you think?

Matt: So true. We cheese hounds know what's good.

Bilbo: Ah, the Chex Party Mix. Good but no custard puff.

RestaurantRefugee: If it were only one pound, I'd agree. I have a Bloggerational Ball dress I want to fit into.

Fiona: With press like Mike's, who needs the Enquirer, right?

CharlotteHarris, Lilu: Yeah! Glad I'm not the only one thinking that's ridiculous.

Narm: Can't argue with that logic.

f.B: LOL! You're so right.

Doug: So, you whole ass things. It just makes sense.

Kate: If it works for you, great. That philosophy would get me fat toot sweet.

Rs27: Thanks for sharing. Do you like turtles, too?

LBluca77: And who could blame you? Not even them.