"You try to scream, but terror takes the sound before you make it"--Michael Jackson

I haven't exactly told you everything about our monkey experience in Barbados. I wanted to keep it happy and light... to remember the good. Why get creepy, right? But I'm feeling a need to unburden myself.

Yes, yes, we saw green monkeys and they were way cool and they climbed over the fence of the reserve every day to eat up the free food and then climbed back out to explore the island. They were lovely, curious things and, you know, monkeys! Can't go wrong with monkeys! At least, that's what I always thought. But there was one more monkey-related experience, that, well, wasn't as exciting or pleasant...

We are at the hotel, having spent the morning swimming, lazing by the pool and walking on the beach, and we decide to head up to the room to change into dry togs for lunch.

Drinks in hand, we board the elevator and a bride and groom get on with us. (He is in linen pants and shirt with a flower pinned to his lapel. She is in a tea length bridal gown. And they are hanging onto each other.)

Us: Getting married today?
Them, gazing into each other's eyes: Just got married!
Us: Oh, how nice! Congratulations.
Them, barely aware of our presence: Thanks.
Us: You had gorgeous weather for it.
Them: Mm... yes.

Hubby and I exchange looks, figuring they're not looking at us anyway. He gives me the "pointing with the eyes" thing that says, silently but emphatically, "did you see that?!" and I casually let my eyes drop to where he's indicating. There, on the bride, is the worst case of monkey feet I've ever seen. Her toes are long and angled in a variety of directions and her third toe (Yes, the middle of the foot toe!) is the longest toe on each foot.

Ugh! And this lucky groom is about to get some of that monkey foot action. What a brave fellow.

As we leave them to their honeymooning and make sure we're out of earshot...

Did you *see* *those* *feet*?!

Wasn't that horrible?!!

What do you suppose is wrong with him?

It's gotta be pretty bad to put up with that!

So, here is the question du jour: Would "watch me peel a banana" monkey feet be a deal breaker?

Sprint Employee of the Month

Saturday, in the Sprint store:

Him: Can I help you?

Me: I was here a couple weeks ago and I'm back with the same issue plus a new one. My cell phone... *describe problems*

Him: Oh, you have that phone. I hate that phone. It's a piece of garbage.

Me: *blink* Excuse me? You sell these. *I point to a shiny new one in the case between us*

Him: Sprint sells them. I don't. I recommend that people don't buy them. I had one, myself, and had constant problems with it until I traded it for something else.

Me: Well, one of your compatriots convinced me it was the best thing since sliced bread.

Him: They're terrible. It's a piece of garbage.

Me: *stare* Can you fix it or not?

Him: I can have the tech give it a look...

20 minutes later they tell me they are ordering me a replacement piece of garbage and they'll call me when it's in and, when they do, I should bring my current piece of garbage in so they can transfer the data.

Delightful.

"Insert song lyric here"

Yeah, it's been a heck of a week. (I HATE it when you show up at work and they expect you to WORK! WTF?)

So, rather than burden you with something creative, I'm giving you this:


Not sure what it's all about but strangely intrigued? I thought so, My Pretty. Go here:

Link

"Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me" --The Fray

Why is The Fray so sad? They've never been what you'd call stable but lately they're even sadder and angrier than usual. I worry for them.

Should we do some sort of intervention?

Any volunteers?

Who can bring the horns?

Silly hats?

Who's got The Golden Girls on DVD? That Sophia. What a nut!

Let's keep the menu simple and cheerful. Mmm... String Cheese and Twinkie Bites? Oooo, WAIT!!! Fudgy the Whale ice cream cake!!!!

"Make a meal of some bright-eyed kid" --Tom Petty

When I was little, I loved McDonald's. That was back in the days when you didn't need a forklift to carry your fries to the car.

The food made me happy. The brightly-colored sign made me happy. The jingle made me happy. Hey, there's a reason they call 'em Happy Meals.

I can remember we (the family unit of Dad, Mum, sister and yours truly) would go on road trips. Back then we'd never heard of Cancun. We went places like Luray Caverns or Ocean City, Maryland and LIKED it! Ah, Ocean City, with it's biblical sand sculptures... bizarre, no? And, yet, Ocean City was ours.


Whatever the road trip, I always wanted to stop at McDonald's which worked out well because they were everywhere. I could spot those arches from two exits away. So, thanks to exceptional whining on my part, we often stopped at a McDonald's (who wants to eat the turkey sandwiches that Mum lovingly prepared and packed when there's a Big Mac congealing under a heat lamp only half-a-mile away?)

So, come with me into the way-back machine...

We pull into a McDonald's and there is a crowd out front. What's this? Have my prayers been answered and they're giving away those thicker-than-cement vanilla shakes? No.

As we get closer, the bright orange fright wig of Ronald McDonald becomes clearly visible. Yeah. Some clown (yeah,yeah) is dressed up as Ronald McDonald and a crowd of children surrounds him. It doesn't look like he's giving anything away. Just doing the "meet and greet" like John McCain stiff arming you and calling you "my friend."*

So, what to do?

Ronald is near the door.

I am filled with dread.

My sister-- three years my senior, she has the considerable height and weight advantage-- starts pushing me to go see Ronald. I am having none of it. She pushes. I push back. She drags. I dig in my heels and pitch a fit.

Sister, all wide-eyed innocence, as if talking calmly to someone screaming bloody murder: L.A., don't you want to see Ronald?

Me: *screaming bloody murder*!!!

Because, really: why? Why would any child want to go up to a strange man, dressed in a disturbing clown outfit and freakish clown make-up? Every message to children is "stay away from strangers." Well, what could be stranger than this?**

And, frankly, I always think it's a great big FAIL when someone tries to take an animated character and impersonate them. It never works. Even with a good costume, it just doesn't translate.

I wish I could say I did something really cool and memorable that day but I just provided the standard tantrum.

Eventually, my parents hauled my laughing sister and the freaked-out little me away from there without a Ronald encounter or a Big Mac.

I never whined for McDonald's again.




*That would have been funny a year ago. Note to self: You may have to stop phoning it in.

**Okay, Grimace was stranger. What the hell was that thing, anyway?