Maybe Stephen King was the previous owner

Since my last set of car repairs, in June, my eight-year-old car has developed some eccentric behaviors. There seems to be something not quite right with the electrical system.

From a safety perspective, I seem to be doing okay. Headlights? Check. Turn signals? Check. Break lights? Check.

But one night two weeks ago I was driving down the road and I noticed a strange reflection on the flipped up visor. Two spots of light. I couldn't figure out where the reflection was coming from. I got a little panicky. It looked a little like this:


Scary, right?

Well, not so much with the alien head but definitely with the two glowy spots. Still disturbing, yes?

Turns out it wasn't a reflection at all. The lights in the vanity mirror were showing through the visor. Of course, the lights in the vanity mirror shouldn't have been on. *cue creepy music* The mirror was closed and the visor was flipped up. But they were on. Just on the driver's visor. The passenger visor, with it's own vanity mirror, was non-glowy.

I discovered that I could not find a way to shut off the driver-side, vanity-mirror lights no matter what I did, short of turning the motor off. So I made the decision that they would have to burn themselves out. I wasn't going searching for a fuse that was labeled: "creepy-driver-side-only-vanity-mirror-lights-that-won't-shut-off" and I couldn't see spending big bucks to have a mechanic figure it out.

Plus, they bathe me in a cool, eerie glow which I've decided to find enhancing.*

This weekend, I discovered a new quirk. When I turn the steering wheel to the right, the radio advances from one pre-set station to the next. Sometimes, it hops through several pre-sets.

Um, I wasn't really into that song anyway. You go ahead, Car, and listen to whatever you want.

I can just hear the mechanics gathering around the phone to laugh at me should I decide to call these things in... "Wait, can you repeat that?" *sound of guys trying to muffle their giggling* "You've got a glowy visor and a self-determining radio? Hawhawhaw..."



* Luckily, I'm a "Winter" and this works with my palette.

"Taking Care of Business Every Day" -- BTO

Lately, I've driven by more costumed people than I'd call normal. I mean, occasionally, you have to expect to see a person in a chicken costume as you drive past the chicken take-out, don't you? Well, I always hope to. Just for the magic that is a person in a chicken suit.

But it's becoming clear that there is a thriving job market if you want to get dressed up like a pizza or a mattress or a realty sign (yes, realty sign) and wave and point. I'm not talking sandwich board, I'm talking full on costume, here. In my area, they're impressive costumes, too. Much better ones than the picture shown above that I found by Google search. Why would a pizza have a chef's hat on it's side? I'm not feeling it.

I'm not sure I'd choose it as a career but perhaps as an "in between" gig. Lots more pros than cons but those cons... hm...

Pros:

• You get paid.
• You get to wear a costume.
• You don't have to have special knowledge or training.
• It doesn't matter if you are having a bad hair day. Or a bad face day, for that matter.
  
• You can goof around all you want. In fact, this is the perfect time to show off your new dance moves.
• You don't have to sit in meetings and/or try to keep from rolling your eyes.
  
• Nobody knows it's you so when you go to your high school reunion you can make up something more prestigious, like Fry Jockey.
  

Cons:

• You don't get paid much.
• You have to wear a costume no matter how hot/rainy/miserable the weather gets.
• You don't gain any special knowledge or training.
• It is hard to parlay this into a bigger gig, like a Fruit-of-the-Loom commercial.
• It's impossible to give the finger because of your giant Mickey Mouse hand when that car full of guys throws a cup of soda at you.
  

They censored what?

[Kid Rock wondering how to get Pamela Anderson back.]

Here is the chorus to Kid Rock's current song* where he is supposedly reminiscing about his teenage years in Michigan:

And we were trying different things
We were smoking funny things
Making love out by the lake to our favorite song
Sipping whiskey out the bottle, not thinking 'bout tomorrow
Singing Sweet home Alabama all summer long (repeat)

I mention this because on the trip to Jersey last week, we heard this song on the radio approximately 4,338 times. You know, approximately. Now, here's the pop quiz part: which part of this lyric is offensive?

[insert annoying Jeopardy timer music here]

Got your answer? Good. Read on.

My answer: None of it. If you can get past the fact that he's not exactly Dr. Seuss with the rhymes, I think all of it makes for a reasonable chorus.**

One could argue that a teenager shouldn't be doing any of that. Okay, if you're gonna get all prissy and parenty fine. YOU NEVER LET ME DO ANYTHING!!

Um, sorry. Not sure where that came from. Moving on.

If you answered: "smoking", you, too, can be a radio censor. One radio station played a version with the word "smoking" dropped out so it was "We were [empty pause] funny things". How incredibly lame is that?

Is smoking pot worse than drinking whiskey from the bottle or having underage sex? As a teenager, it's all illegal.

And, for that matter, why drop "smoking"? Why not drop "funny"?

What does this do except make kids think the song is cool because it has banned words? At least on one station. Every other station played it as written.

*shakes head* Wacky censors.


* If you can call it "his", since he samples heavily from both "Sweet Home Alabama" and "Werewolves of London. "

** As a kid, I loved Dr. Seuss. As an adult, I had to accept it was pretty much over once he got the restraining order.

"Tell Me Why" --Frankie Lymon / Crowd Surfing

[This guy gets a fondle and a wedgy and his pocket picked by 15,000 people* ...not to mention his buddies on the ground finishing off his overpriced beer.]


Q du Jour:

Alright, who here has crowd surfed?** Now, now... don't avert your eyes. If you've done it, what was it like? If you haven't done it but think you'd consider doing it, why?

I gotta say, this holds zero appeal for me. Trust, shmust. Why would I want all those grubby hands all over my body? Do women ever crowd surf or is this strictly a guy phenomenon? Either way, don't you wind up with hands where you don't want hands? Or is that part of the thrill?


* Eventually, all that was left in his pocket was a pack of Wintergreen gum. Nobody wants the Wintergreen.

** You might as well admit it. Learn from John Edwards. It's better to come clean*** immediately.

*** Heehee.

Considering applying to FDU? Want free money?

This is an open communication to anyone who may be considering going to Fairleigh Dickinson University (FDU). If you are not, you may go about your business.

One of my alma maters is Fairleigh Dickinson. They recently sent me an Alumni Newsletter. On the back was this message "Save a prospective FDU student $1,000 - Without spending a dime of your own! Do you know a college-bound student who would be a great fit at FDU? It may be a relative, neighbor or child of a friend. As an FDU graduate, your signature on our Alumni/Trustee/Faculty Recommendation Form will automatically guarantee a one-time, $1,000 grant during the student's first undergraduate year at our University. [more stuff elided] But hurry! Recommendations must be received by January 15, 2009 for students entering in Fall 2009."

So, if you are a prospective FDU student, drop me a line. If I can get you a grant, I will. At least for the first person who responds, as I don't know how long and involved the form is and more than one may cut into my slack-jawed, television-watching time.

What do you have to do? Go to FDU, study, and be cool. :)