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I am flipping channels* last week and find a 1978 Billy Joel concert. Huh. Look how young he looks! I remember this song. And that song. I had "The Stranger" on vinyl.

After five minutes, it goes into PBS pledge drive. Foy!** I decide I am not willing to wade through 25 minutes of begging to get to the next 5 minutes of concert.

They have the nerve to say that PBS is valuable because it provides wonderful programming like the program you are watching. Like we're not going to notice that the only time of the year PBS plays something different/interesting is when they're asking for money. Chyuh.

Public Broadcasting belongs to the PUBLIC. Ergo, it should be free. Or at least free of begging.

Send me a bill. Tax me for it. Eliminate it. But stop with the begging. It's unseemly. And boring as all get out.

Better yet, just play concerts and run the phone number over the bottom of the screen, like they do at telethons. I'll bet people will get confused and send in more money than usual thinking they've stumbled on another Live Aid.



* For you non-TV people: this is television jargon.

** My dad always said "Foy!" when he was disgusted. I don't know if that was German for something or his accented version of "Fooey". Either way, I like it. Feel free to say "Foy!" emphatically to anyone who disgusts you. If it confuses them, so much the better.

Ketchup Fraud

I was the victim of a shamockery this past weekend. It's not too late for you to learn from my mistake. For the love/hate of Emeril, don't let this happen to you.*

In the midsts of our travels we hit a chain for bites and booze.** I looked over and saw this (pictured) ketchup bottle. I like ketchup (no matter how it's spelled) and I don't care who knows it. It's sweet and tomatoey and all-Americanly perfect on fries. Yeah, I'll do malt vinegar but they're our allies.

Me: Isn't that nice! A new bottle of ketchup for us! I don't think I've ever seen a new, full bottle like this at a restaurant before! I feel special!***

Hubby, picks up ketchup: It's not full. The bottle is opaque. This is a third full at best.

Me: Bastards.

I blame W for leading the country down a path of lies and ultimate disillusion. I fear for motherhood and apple pie next.



* You don't see much of Emeril these days. Hard to believe catch phrases like "BAM!" and "Pork Fat Rules" failed to continue to inspire the country.

** Not necessarily in that order.

*** I'm always exclamationy when I feel special. Sometimes the neighbors complain.

Wine Whine

Speaking of conversations that provide too much information...

I'll never forget a particular winery hopping trip. There were four of us on the North Fork of Long Island, where there are wineries approximately every 207 feet. Or closer. Get a ruler.

Anyway, the four of us like wine and we even know a thing or two about it. We look and act reasonably respectable and, with regard to wine, if we like it, we buy it, unless it's way overpriced. Generally, we have a grand time but there was this experience...

We'd already spent a day winery hopping and got up, had a leisurely breakfast and went to the first winery on our list for the new day. We went up to the tasting area, plunked our money down, and were presented with wine glasses and tasting information sheets.

Wine flunky: Welcome to X Winery. My name is Grizzela. For this tasting, *points to sheet* we'll be going through the four on the front left of your sheet and these five on the back.

The first wine *holds bottle up but does not pour* is our Lemmings Lament. The Lemmings Lament is our most popular white. It is 70% Sauvignon Blanc and 30% Petit Verdot and is stored in stainless steel for 2 months prior to being moved to a lemming's bladder for final fermentation.

It has won the coveted Governor's Gold in 2001 and the less coveted Mailman's Local #38 Bronze in 2002. It also won the Wine Bedazzler Medal of Distinction in four categories--including Color Not Found in Nature and Chubby Legs--in 2002. Snooty Wines Monthy called it "Unusual."

When you taste this, you will first notice a funny tingling in the front of your tongue. That's from a happy accident--we inadvertently dusted rat poison on the ground around the Petit Verdot. We were going to scrap the harvest but were so delighted with the effect that we decided to raise the price. I think you'll be pleased.

With the tingle, you'll get a hint of nutmeg and asphalt and then a burst of grapefruit, fig, and leather with a final nuance of envelope glue. Now if you swirl it around, you'll also get remarkable overtones of ink, Hungarian paprika, and Vicks VapoRub.

It has a loooong finish and will repeat on you but in a way I think you'll find amusing.

Lemmings Lament is suitable for serving with camembert, Prince Edward Island mussels, and kumquats.

It has a residual sugar level of 3.14159265.

The bottler's name was Alfonso.

The label was designed by our own Letitia Figglesby, and depicts a lemming being torn asunder by the winery dog, Mr. Itchy.

*places bottle down and picks up second bottle* Now the second wine on the list is our Sing-Sing Sensation...

We stand there, dismayed. Grizzela continues to share way too much information and, apparently, is intent on describing every last wine to the nth degree before we get a drop. As if we're even going to remember what she said 40 minutes ago when she started. I lose it. I interrupt while she is over-pronouncing "terroir."

Me, doing my Suzanne Sugarbaker impression: Excuse me!

Grizzela: Yes?

Me: I'd like to try the first wine.

Grizzela: I usually go through the whole list first.

Me: Sorry, there's no way I'm going to remember most of that. I'd rather hear any description you have to offer after I've tried the wine. I like to develop my own impressions.

Grizzela: *blink*

Me: *not blinking* *pushing glass forward*

Grizzela: Okay.

Me: Thank you.

Most wine flunkies know better than to do what Grizzela did, but I'll offer this unsolicited advice anyway: We know you know about these particular wines, or should, because that's your job, so you don't need to prove to us how much you know. If you want to talk about the wine, that's great. Be brief--just the basics--and do it while you are pouring. Then, let people taste the wine before you tell them what specific under- and overtones you think they ought to taste. Then be ready to answer more specific questions. This allows people to develop their tasting abilities and it's a heck of a lot more fun that way. And for heaven's sake, give Mr. Itchy a worm pill.

Movie Spoilage

There are two types of people in the world: those who tell the ending of a movie to someone who hasn't seen the movie and those who don't. I fall squarely in the latter category. Except for today.

SPOILER ALERT: Today, I am going to give away the ending to three non-current movies. The movies are:

• Up Close & Personal,
• Thelma & Louise, and
  
• Citizen Kane.

This is your chance to turn away from this page if you do not want to read information about the endings to any of these movies. You have been warned.

See what I did there? I gave you an option. You get to decide. I don't think that's too much to ask. But, check it, I have had the following conversations when they were timely:

Coworker A using copier: Hi blahblahblah.
Me, waiting for copier: Hi blahblahblah. How was your weekend?
Coworker A: Okay... I went with a friend to see the movie Up Close & Personal.
Me: Did you like it?
Coworker A: Well, yeah, except who would have expected Robert Redford to die at the end? That kind of sucked.
Me: *blink*
Coworker A: Did you have a good weekend?
Me: *glower*

Same deal, different coworker:
Coworker B: Have you seen Thelma & Louise?
Me: No.
Coworker B: Oh, I think you'd like it.
Me: Oh?
Coworker B: Well, you know they drive off a cliff at the end, right?
Me: *blink* ...No, I didn't know that.
Coworker B: Yeah, but it's integral to the story. Anyway, you should see it. I think you'd really like it.
Me: *glower*

What the heck is with people?

Maybe they'd like to tell me Rosebud was the name of Kane's sled, too.

If I'm going to watch a movie, I want to watch it from beginning to end and I want to (hopefully) be delighted with a fresh, new experience. I don't need anyone telling me how it ends. Or telling me about clever plot twists that might have surprised me if they hadn't given it away. Sheesh.

On a related rant: Have you noticed that "previews" now often show you all the plot points of the movie? So, it's not unusual to see a preview with scenes like this: "Boy meets girl. Boy dates girl. Boy and girl fight. Girl cries. Boy looks uncertain. Boy and girl rush into each other's arms and kiss." And I'd need to see this movie, why? Haven't I just seen it??

Extraspecialbonusparagraph: We spent the weekend on a pilgrimage to rs27's original home state. Rs, we mentioned your name at every bar we went to but people seemed oddly unmoved. We didn't get a single free drink or get thrown out! Makes no sense. We did spend an inordinate amount of time "jughandling" which isn't as fun as it sounds.

"I'll be Watching You" -- The Police, Greatest Stalker Hits

Another mystery to me: Why do people list what they are currently reading on their blogs? I can see sharing recommendations of favorite books but ...currently reading? Not a criticism, just a curiosity.

Should I do this? I'm thinking much as you love me* you couldn't care less what I'm reading. But perhaps I'm wrong.

I am currently reading "Bel Canto" by Ann Patchett but it's taking me forever to get through it because:

A) I'm easily distracted.

B) I read slower than a sloth would read if a sloth read would chuck wood.

C) I keep getting magazines so I look at those. I receive quite a few because for a while I was answering surveys and one of the lame things you can trade in your low number redemption points for is magazines. My points were expiring soooo... lots of magazines I wouldn't normally read are appearing in my mailbox. It's a strange thing to look at magazines you normally wouldn't pick up. Like being in a doctor's waiting room but you're in your own home.**

D) I watch badtelevision. Television has become so bad, it's now one word: badtelevision. I have been known to switch it off once in a while but this always garners amazement from Hubby so I tend to just leave it on, melting my brain into soft beta.***

Um, so there you have it. I am currently reading Bel Canto. By Ann Patchett. Here's what it looks like:













Do you feel closer to me now?


* Oh, stop it. You know you do.

** Does the mailman looks at the magazines I am getting as a means of furthering our distant connection?

*** Beta. Like buttah. But bettah.