"Do you know the way to San Jose?" --Dionne Warwick

This week I stop by Large-Bookstore-Chain in Bowie with my coupon clutched in my hand, ready to buy a gift. But someone has beaten me to their one copy of said gift. So, I use the customer service desk's computer and the phone to locate and confirm another copy in Largo.

I am in the process of using the computer to map directions from the Bowie store address to the Largo store address, when a staffer walks up to me...

Helpful Initiative Man (Him): Do you need some help?

Me, gesturing to the computer: I've found that the Largo store has what I've been looking for, so I'm just trying to find out how to get there from here.

Him: I've been there... it's near the old Cap Center... Have you been there?

Me, hopeful: No...

Him: I've driven there, but I don't know the names of the streets.

Me, no longer hopeful: Mm.

Him, squinting: I can sort of see it... but I'm not sure I could tell you how to get there.

Me:

Him: I don't drive it often enough.

Me, wondering how long this conversation is going to go on: Ah.

Him: It's not that far from here, if you know how to get there...

Me, nodding with that sad half-smile, but not saying out loud "How the $%#@ are you helping?"

It is at this point that he thinks to employ his headset. Within 30 seconds he has found someone on staff who can, and does, give me directions to the Largo store.

Here's the thing: As ridiculous as this conversation is up to the point where he realizes he needs to draw on someone else' knowledge, I can't get mad at him. Partially, because his heart is in the right place. But mostly because this is pretty much how I give directions, too. Yeah, I suck.

It isn't that I don't want to be helpful. I do want to be helpful. It's just that I'm not good with all the details. So, though I may have been someplace a lot, if pressed, I'm likely to say very similar things...

Well... I think it's close to that good Chinese restaurant... is it Golden Lotus? Wait, Golden Dragon? Um, ...they have those giant eggrolls. Ever been there? Really good. Um... If you know that place, it's around the corner. *squinting* ...I ...think...

Yeah, FAIL. But this is why we have Google Maps, right?

I can remember a friend who thrived on details, giving me directions like this:

Friend: So, you're on Route 7 South, right?

Me, writing "7S": Okay...

Friend: You'll pass the Maaco and the ShopRite...

Me, not writing anything: Okay...

Friend: You'll see a Wendy's on the left...

Me, not writing anything: Okay...

Friend: You'll go through three lights: Butler, Clairmont, and Pinehurst.

Me, writing "-> 3 lights": Okay...

Friend: You go past where the old movie theater used to be.

Me: Where it USED TO BE?

Friend: Yeah. They tore it down. But you probably remember where it was.

Me, laughing: You're kidding, right?

Friend: No.

Me, laughing harder: I'm supposed to know where something used to be?

At least I'm not that bad.