"Papa's got a brand new bag"--James Brown

[Letting the cat in the bag.]


I have found a lot of valuable things.*

Some of the valuable things I've found:

• lots and lots and lots of coins (US and international)
  
• US paper money in 1, 5, 10, and 20 denominations
  
• a tri-color 14K gold bracelet that had been run over at least 5 times by the looks of it
  
• a bank bag with cash in it
• a 3/4 karat, brilliant cut diamond

Now, you'd think at least these last two would have great stories. You'd be wrong. Really.

Okay, I'll tell the more exciting of the two stories. On the edge of your seat? Here goes...

The bank bag story: I pick up my car from a service station after a minor repair. I am driving around and realize something is sticking out from under my seat. I pull over to check it out. There, I find a bank deposit bag! I think OH MY GOD! I open it! It contains $37.50. I call the service station. They say, yeah, they accidentally left it in there and could I bring it back? I do. They say thanks. The End.

I know! Totally boring, right?! Not exactly screenplay material.**

But, IF this were a movie:

a) I'd look gorgeous***;
b) there'd be thousands of dollars in the bank bag;
c) I'd be in adrenaline-pumping chase scenes with bad guys who scowl and shoot, poorly, at me and at least one car would roll over and/or take flight;
d) I'd have a nebbishy best friend who makes me laugh and worries about me;
e) Owen Wilson****, the lovable screw up, would totally save me; and
f) I'd get a reward for returning the money to it's rightful owner.

Admit it. You'd see that movie. Okay, maybe you'd wait until it hit Netflix, but you'd see it.*****




*And I don't mean "found" like you just "found" that twenty in your Dad's wallet on his dresser after you waited until he was in the bathroom with the fan on. I mean really found. Lying about. Unclaimed.

** Or even blogworthy material, but, hey, you've read this far... Sucker!

***I struggle with the idea, myself, but I hear Hollywood is big on tricks. Like dim lighting. And Vaseline on lenses.

****Owen's nose: adorable or disturbing? Discuss.

*****And then you'd blog about how you wasted your time watching this utterly predictable movie. And the beat goes on...