"You don't care" --Leona Lewis

This is a long one. You may want to get some RingDings.

Barnes & Noble is acting like it's my obnoxious teenager. You know, the one that proposes doing chores for money and gets the money and then only does a half-assed job delivering until you say "Give me back my money." And, then, they're all "What? I'm doing the chores!"

Here's the back story: Late December, I received a B&N gift card. Nice! I promptly got online and ordered up some old favorite movies: The Four Seasons (funny, well acted, and you have to love the Vivaldi soundtrack), Eye of the Needle (a well crafted adaptation of Follett's WWII spy thriller), Bagdad Cafe (I love everything about this quirky friendship movie), Sex, Lies & Videotape (an interesting little story of, well, sex, lies and videotape, and have I mentioned my thing for James Spader? My, my, my. No, not bloated, Shatner-wannabe, Boston Legal James Spader now:


I'm talking about James Spader then:


Le sigh.)

1) On December 27th, I place my order. B&N confirms. ("Mom, thanks for saying you'll pay me if I shovel the walk! Can I get that money up front?")

2) I get three of the four movies promptly. ("Look, Mom! I shoveled three quarters of the walk!")

3) On January 19th I get a message from B&N saying there's a delay in sending Eye of the Needle but they'll ship it within 5 business days. ("But, Mom, I'm in the middle of a game here. I'll finish shoveling the walk after, I swear.")

4) I sit down to enjoy the eye candy--er, quality flicks I've received.

*calendar pages flutter by*

5) On January 25th, I get a message saying EotN has been further delayed and it could take another 30 days and do I still want it? ("Mom, I'm busy. Stop nagging me!")

6) So, I think about this. Do I want to wait two months for what should be a simple DVD burn? No. I'll get it elsewhere. I click the link and cancel the order. I try to log on to the B&N account to confirm that I've gotten a credit but it won't let me log in. I hit the "send password" request and get... NOTHING. No email. (*puts earbuds in and rolls eyes*)

But I know they have my email address because they send me messages and I know I've typed it in correctly and this should be an automated thing to send me my password, yes? I go back on the site and find the customer service page. I send a message to them basically explaining that I used a gift card and now I've canceled the order and I can't get my password sent to me so I can log on and check that I've got the credit. Can they help?

7) On Jan. 26, customer service sends me the following form email:

Dear Customer,

Thank you for contacting Barnes & Noble.

When you place an order through our website, your credit card is
authorized for the amount of the order, which puts the funds on reserve.
The charges are not made until the order ships. If your order is
cancelled for any reason prior to shipment, we immediately release the
authorization. However, depending on the bank that issues your card, it
may take 2 to 5 days for the funds to be unreserved, a process over
which BarnesandNoble.com has no control. Please accept our apology for
any confusion or inconvenience in this matter.

Sincerely,

Julie
Customer Service Representative
Barnes & Noble

("I already did my homework. And you might want to rethink that hairstyle. Just sayin...")

Huh? Notice there's no mention of a gift card credit or a password being sent.

I respond with "Please read the message I sent so your response will be appropriate. Thank you."

8) On Jan. 28, I dig until I find a B&N Customer Service phone number. I call them during standard business hours. I go through the automated phone tree. I get put on hold and told that they are experiencing extended wait times. ("Mom, I'm in the bathroom. We'll talk about it later.") I can wait. After waiting on hold for a while I suddenly get switched to a message that says what their holiday hours are and then disconnects. (*climbs out bathroom window*) Holiday hours? On January 27th? Is it Feast of St. Smithens or something? An online check tells me it is "National Chocolate Cake Day". Really, B&N? REALLY?*

9) I am at a loss. Email strike 1 and 2. Phone strike 3. And then...

10) On Jan. 29, I get an email from B&N telling me "Your B&N Order is on its way!" They claim they have shipped EotN. They make no mention of my cancellation of said order or my email messages. ("I did the effing walk, Mom. Are you happy now? Cheeze! I'm going over to Boner's house." *slam*)

So, maybe, just maybe I'll get the 4th DVD I ordered. If I don't, I 'm going down to B&N Headquarters and camp out. With chocolate cake. And a James Spader movie.

Question #1: How is it possible that B&N is running Borders into bankruptcy?

Question #2: Can customer service get any worse?

Question #3: Chocolate cake deserves its own national holiday.**




* In the interest of full disclosure, I would happily celebrate this holiday by taking off work and devouring chocolate cake with wild abandon, maybe while watching young James Spader, if I'd only been made aware.

** Okay, that wasn't a question. It's a fact.

Real conversations/"Can you hear me, I've been calling all day" --Yaz

Real conversations from yesterday with only the names changed (to more accurate ones):

Idiot #1, National Catalogue Morons Customer Service: NCM Customer Service, this is Idiot #1. How may I help you?

Me: I just received a shipping confirmation email on a gift I ordered. [I provide order #.] The confirmation says a free gift of cheese and sausage is being included with the gift. This is a Hanukah gift. Do you know how inappropriate it is to send sausage in a Hanukah gift??

Idiot #1: Oh dear. I'm sorry but I can't help you. You'll need to talk to Corporate. Here's their number: [1-800 number.]

----------

Idiot #2, NCM Corporate: NCM Corporate Customer Service, this is Idiot #2. Can I help you?

Me: I certainly hope so. I just received a shipping confirmation email on a gift I ordered. [I provide order #.] The confirmation says a free gift of cheese and sausage is being included with the gift. This is a Hanukah gift. Do you know how inappropriate it is to send sausage in a Hanukah gift??

Idiot #2: Ma'am?

Me: It's completely inappropriate. I didn't order it. I don't want it. I want the shipment stopped. Can you do that?

Idiot: #2: Um, I don't think so.

Me: Can you see if it's been delivered yet?

Idiot #2: It looks like it's scheduled to be delivered maybe tomorrow or the next day.

Me: I need you to stop that shipment.

Idiot #2: ... Please hold.

[Muzak version of Silver Bells]

Idiot #2: I'm sorry, Ma'am. I can't stop the shipment. I can give you a discount.

Me: That's not acceptable.

Idiot #2: Um... I'm sorry, Ma'am?

Me: I want to speak to a manager.

Idiot #2: Um... please hold.

[Muzak version of Silver Bells]

Idiot #2: Um, I'm sorry, Ma'am. We can't stop the shipment but you can call UPS yourself and stop it. Here's the number [1-800 number and tracking number].

Me: I can stop it but you can't.

Idiot #2: Yes, Ma'am.

Me: Fine.

----------

UPS Customer Service: UPS, can I help you?

Me: I need to stop a package that's being delivered. [I provide tracking number.]

UPS Customer Service: Who am I speaking with?

Me: L. A. Cochran. I ordered the gift that's in the package.

UPS Customer Service: The good news is it hasn't been delivered yet. It's still on the truck. The bad news is that only NCM can cancel the delivery since they're the ones that sent it.

----------

NCM Corporate: NCM Corporate Customer Service. This is Idiot #3. How may I help you?

Me: I need to speak with a manager. Now.

Idiot #3: Is there something I can help you with?

Me: No. And this is time sensitive.

Idiot #3: Is this in relation to an order?

Me: Yes.

Idiot #3: Can I get the order number so the manager can help you faster?

Me: [I provide order #.]

Idiot #3: One moment please.

[Muzak version of Silver Bells]

Idiot #4: This is Idiot #4. How can I help you?

Me: You're a manager?

Idiot #4: Yes.

Me: I received a shipping confirmation email on a gift I ordered. [I provide order #.] The confirmation says a free gift of cheese and sausage is being included with the gift. This is a Hanukah gift. Sending them sausage is completely unacceptable. I contacted UPS to stop the shipment. They said it's still on the truck but I can't stop it. However, they said you can. I want it stopped.

Idiot #4: Oh, that free gift gets put in automatically.

Me: That's unfortunate. I'd like you to stop the shipment.

Idiot #4: See, most people like the free gift. Our folks would have no way of knowing it was a Hanukah gift.

Me: It was sent with a Hanukah card. And a message that said "Happy Hanukah".

Idiot #4: Oh. We don't get a lot of that. Most people like the free gift.

Me, speaking slowly: Do you understand that this shipment needs to be stopped?

Idiot #4: I'll call UPS and see if I can stop it. I'll call you back either way in 10 minutes.

Me: Thank you.

----------

Idiot #5, NCM Corporate: NCM Corporate Customer Service, this is Idiot #5, how can I help you?

Me: Can I speak to Idiot #4, please?

Idiot #5: Idiot #4?

Me: Yes.

Idiot #5: I'm not sure I know Idiot #4. Is there something I can help you with?

Me: Idiot #4 is a manager. Can you find her for me?

Idiot #5: I'm not sure what department Idiot #4 is in.

Me: I called this same number, asked for a manager and I got Idiot #4.

Idiot #5: You did?

Me: Yes.

Idiot #5: Okay, did you get a message asking for you to call her?

Me: No. I spoke with her and she said she'd call me back in 10 minutes. It's now been 20 minutes. So I'd like to speak with her.

Idiot #5: Okay, let me see if I can get her.

[Muzak version of Silver Bells]

Idiot #4: I was just about to call you. I was able to stop the shipment. We'll take the free gift out and re-ship it.

Me: Thank you.

Idiot #4: I don't know where you are but we don't have a lot of Jews here so we don't know about these things.

Me:

Idiot #4: So, that's why we did that.

Me:

Idiot #4: So, it should be all taken care of.

Me: Thank you.

Idiot #4: Thanks for shopping NCM!