11 April 2010

"In the fast lane and I won't change" --Fergie

On Wednesday, I zip in to the dry cleaners and I find myself parked between two average cars, both with tinted windows. And I can't help but think: Why the tint? Planning on committing a few crimes later in the day?

On Thursday, I pull up at a traffic light and notice the pickup truck next to me. I notice it because, where I am idling behind the car in front of me, they, in the "fast lane", are idling behind two-and-a-half car lengths of nothing, which is behind the car in front of them.

I look over. They're just sitting and staring straight ahead as if this is normal. It's not like the car ahead of them is spewing clouds of vileness. So, why the gap? Why?

Anyway, I'm staring at this pickup wondering WTF? (as well as WTG?) and I notice under the passenger-side window is the word "FABULOUS" in 3 inch letters. Just the one word. Like someone saw it in a magazine, cut it out, and glued it to the cab door. Really, that's what it looks like. I tilt my head, doggy style*, and look at this FABULOUS couple.

These have to be the least FABULOUS people I've ever seen. I mean it. They're middle-aged, lumpish, unattractive, and sloppy. It's not even like they're glamming it up in hopes of achieving FABULOUS with the limited gifts god gave them.

And, yet... there's that word... FABULOUS.

But then, as I watch, as if to disprove my thoughts, AND I SWEAR THIS IS TRUE, the woman in the passenger seat, who has no makeup on and an expression that screams Tampax, takes out a small mirror and a pair of tweezers. She starts plucking hairs from her chin in the bright sunshiny, rush hour traffic.

I think: Fabulous.

Then, I think: Clearly, I've misjudged them. She, at least, cares enough to pluck the hairiness.**

And, finally: Why don't THESE people have tinted windows?

Which brings us to the questions du jour... Please educate me: 1) Why do average people tint their car windows? 2) Why do people refuse to snug up in traffic? 3) Why would someone put the word FABULOUS on their vehicle door?

I'd ask what is too ridiculous in terms of grooming in cars but this story kinda says it all.

* That's what that means, right?

* The original but rejected Hallmark slogan.


the dogs' mother said...

Tinted windows - waaaaaaay too much sun here in the desert for someone raised in rainy, coastal Canada. By September I am sick of it and get crabby when I am presented with another sunny day

Mike said...

1. The sun. The few people I know that have tinting have problems with their eyes.

2. Unknown. You should pull up to where you can still see where the car in front of you tires touch the ground. That's enough buffer.

3. So, I should probably take the 'stud muffin' off my door?

Counter Culture Clown said...

Three million points goes to the use of "lumpish".

I have a few posts on bumper sticks that this reminded me of. It's amazing what people will put on their vehicles. It's a shame thing, or lackthereof. People have no quarrels with putting whatever on their car, because they look at it as a little mobile version of their own home (in some cases, this is literal...).

Good post though, made me laugh. :P

Bowie Mike said...

I have heard that some people tint their windows is to avoid being profiled by the police.

KCSherri said...

I was laughing so hard at the photo above that I can't think straight to answer the questions!

Too funny!

Barbara said...

Criminals, or at least people who don't want to be identified, tint their windows -- probably just so people like me can't answer the question: What kind of person is driving that car/truck? (Remember the big black truck from hell? Yep, tinted windows.)

Lazy idiots or sometimes very new drivers leave big gaps. They are about as obvious and annoying as a gap between someone's top front teeth. You just have the urge to close them up by say, a little nudge to the rear bumper?

I have no explanation of why anyone would put anything on their side window. In fact, it sounds somewhat illegal, sort of like Venetian blinds in a car, which must be illegal.

The Bug said...

We had tinted windows for a while - it was a used car & came that way. Even though tinted windows are illegal where we live. But we left them because we'd been told they were hard to remove & because it really did help with the sun glare. Then we got a ticket in Virginia & the officer noted our illegal tinted windows. So my husband spent about 15 minutes removing the tint (apparently ours was super easy to remove).

I HATE it when people don't pull all the way up. especially if I'm trying to get into a turn lane & they're blocking it. Grrr!

I had a license plate that said "OPUSLUST" so I'm not sure I'm qualified to answer #3.

The most dangerous thing I've done in a car was try to eat a frosty from Wendys while driving a stick shift. Tricky.

Reya Mellicker said...

I don't know the answers to any of these questions, but reading this post reminds me, once again, of why I'm so glad I don't have to drive anywhere. Driving does not bring out the best in anyone - present company excepted, of course!

PQ said...

Tinted windows were the reason I lost my virginity in a van in the middle of the day.

That's all I got to say on that subject.

Liebchen said...

I can't begin to guess on the "fabulous" but as for the tinted windows, the guys I know that have them are the same ones that rev their engines to feel cooler.

Also, I've been accused of tailgating (which I don't!) so I also don't know why people leave so much space when they're just idling. It feels like a waste.

Alice said...

a very briefly dated a guy who had some fancypants car that was impressive only to people who Know Cars (i do not) and he had illegally-tinted windows on it. i assumed it was another effort on his part to look cool. (it did not work.)

Moooooog35 said...

We tint our windows because it hides the pot smoke. We also stay far away from the thing in front of us because we're so baked it resembles a giant lobster.

It's fabulous.

You're welcome.

Cyndy said...

I can't really answer for all those other people out there but here's what my answers are:

1. My tinted windows are all for my bass. It significantly reduces glare and heat from the sun and if I have to leave my bass in the car for a few minutes, it makes my bass less noticeable (and tempting)for passersby, or at least that's what I tell myself. But before I got them I always thought "Who do these people with tinted windows think they are?"

2. I sometimes leave a little room if there's no left turn lane so that I don't get stuck if the the guy forgot to put on his blinker. But if there is a turn lane I'll always pull up close so that people can get by.

3. If I thought I was fabulous I certainly wouldn't feel the need to advertise it! Maybe she was being ironic. ;)

Jamie said...

Tinting your windows to avoid police scrutiny seems to be along the lines of wearing a trenchcoat and stocking cap for the same reason...

I don't really care what other people do for what they perceive as privacy, but cars with tinted windows are annoying as hell because you can't see through them. Driving behind a car with tinted windows is like driving behind a box truck, you can't tell what's going on ahead of you.

Most places ban tinting beyond some percentage of light that's blocked, chances are any car with black tinted windows isn't legal.

Toe said...

I have tinted windows so people don't look in and make fun of me singing to my steering wheel. Also, I'm thinking the Fabulous sticker in this case is ironic? I have no explanation for the gapper people in traffic, it makes no sense to have three car lengths in front of you when you are parked in traffic.

fiona said...

peed myself! ROTF here, god it's good to be back!

nicóle said...

Why? The eternal question. My guess is because they think tinted windows are fabulous!

Thanks for the laugh!

Tania said...

Tinted windows made me feel 'cooler' in my old station wagon. Maybe the woman in the 'fabulous' car and I both enjoy a good dose of irony.

Titania said...

They are just compensating for what are, probably, several other "shortcomings"

Berto said...

"I tilt my head, doggy style, and look..."

Now that's fabulous.

(People who refuse to snug up in traffic are the bane of my existence. Them and people who use the word "irregardless". Also, clowns.)

Matt said...

Chin hairs?

wow. thats just wrong.

lacochran said...

froggy: Ah. But we are in Ole Virginie. I envy your desert goodness.

Mike: If the stud muffin fits, wear it. Proudly, even.

Counter Culture Clown: OOoooo, points! Yay!!!

Bowie Mike: Can't really see their profile. Ooooh, I get it.

Drama Queen: So glad I could make you smile.

Barbara: Sorry I touched a nerve.

The Bug: And this was in Virginia! Oh, and I've had a few stuffed Opus's in my time. How can you not lust after that?!

Reya Mellicker: Of course.

PQ: Wow.

Liebchen: It *is* a waste! Glad we are united in snugging. (That sounds so wrong.)

Alice: I figure if you need your car to make you look cool, you might as well have an L on your forehead.

Moooooog35: Wait, your smoking pot and you have a huge lobster in front of you and you don't have the munchies? I'm so confused.

Cyndy: Excellent answers. Thank you.

Jamie: Well, they're easy to spot. Shouldn't they be getting tickets constantly?

Toe: People make fun of you for singing to your steering wheel? Doesn't everybody do that??

fiona: Go change your knickers! :) Glad I made you laugh.

nicole: Thanks for the visit!

Mac and Cheese: Maybe.

Titania: I catch your drift. *wink**wink*

Berto: :) Clowns. *shudder*

Matt: I KNOW!!!

spleeness said...

"She, at least, cares enough to pluck the hairiness." hahahaha!! Excellent post, excellent topics. Add this to the Tinted Window Why of Fame questions that will never be answered...