04 November 2008

The straight poop on pigeons

For years, my sister used the pet name of "Pidge" or "Pigeon" for her husband until he finally put a stop to it. For some reason, my brother-in-law thought that was insulting. He went on about "stupid, filthy, disgusting creatures."

I think he had it all wrong. Consider the evidence...

A) They're smart:

Notice how the pigeon poops on the chess board as a way to psych out his opponent. Smart! This is step 1 of the famous Mazursky poop-and-peck-to-death strategy.

B) They have much cuter tails than rats do.

This guy wishes he could grow feathers.

C) They've got that cool Kate Hepburn head bob, like they're always listening to some great music on a tiny pigeon iPod.

How fabulous was Kate, with her hair bob, head bob, or any Bob?

D) They coo. Babies coo and most people go all gooey.* Let a pigeon do it, it's evil.

Multiple similarities... just sayin'...

E) They support our troops by delivering messages.**

So, pigeons are patriotic!

F) They poop wherever they want.

If that isn't modeling the pursuit of freedom and happiness that makes America great, I don't know what is.***

G) They're cuddly:

This guy is grimacing with cuddly joy.

And finally...

H) They're tasty with the right glaze.

At this point they are less about "bob" and more about "squab".

Note: Because I am so in touch with the plight of the pigeon and I am tapped into the global interconnectivity****, after I had drafted the bulk of this post, I was presented with this image on my morning commute:

(Click on the photo to enlarge it.) This appears to be a traveling pigeon coop with illustrations of two "Hall of Famers" and the years they were winners. Or dinners. Or both.

This must certainly be a sign of some sort from the cosmos.

In summation...

I know not what course others may take but, as for me...

Give me pigeonry! ...and I'll attest.*****

* Not me, I said "most people".

** I hope I haven't given away a key Surge strategy here.

*** You know you would do it if you could. Especially when you are at the grocery store and the cashier looks you right in the eye as she closes her lane. You so would poop if it was socially acceptable.

**** You pay extra for it but it's better than FIOS.

***** To excess, but I digress. Man, this post is a mess.


rachaelgking said...

Look at you, all rhyming and shiz.

Pigeons also come in handy as entertainment if you're walking around a city and they poop on someone you're with. [Ed. note: Not nearly as funny when they do it to you.]

Kristin said...

Way to write a whole post about pigeons. I'm impressed. I'm also the unwilling victim of more than one fly by pooping. They are smart.

Bilbo said...

Don't complain about the pigeons pooping. You could live in the Andes and have to worry about Giant Condors. When THEY poop on your head, someone has to call 911 to dig you out.

Gilahi said...

Years ago, when faxes were new, a company in Germany did a marketing promo by sending a message via pigeon at the same instant that they started faxing it. The pigeon won.

Global interconnednessnessness and all that.

Anonymous said...

I always love your labels.... I think we should train attack pigeons... you'd never expect it. They would shit flammable substances all over the enemy. I think THAT would be an appropriate surge strategy.

Mike said...


Matt said...

Pigeons are loud annoying animals.

Kate said...

How does one get in the pigeon Hall of Fame? The biggest shitter?

Lemmonex said...

I was NEARLY pooped on this am while I waited to vote. It missed. I like to think this is a good sign.

Rahul said...

Pigeons are the most unafraid animals on the planet.

A pigeon would stare down a lion.

LBluca77 said...

I love Pigeons, especially when they shit on my car right after I got it washed. Bastards.

Anonymous said...

Making reference to Kate Hepburn in a post about pigeons - you're my hero for the day.

fiona said...

Pigeon Poop is an omen of good luck!
Bring on the shit pigeons...coo, coo, coo

Herb said...

Eww...you know I have Ornithophobia...

brad said...

Gotta admit: I'm a little heartbroken that you cracked this case before me. I zoomed in on your windshield-view of that truck. The pigeon stickers are a facade. That is the truck from Jim Henson's "Follow That Bird." Translation: you just found Big Bird. And since I've been following that bird since I was 3 (never actually saw the end of that Oscar-snubbed documentary) I was hoping my life could be affirmed by personally solving the mystery of why the big yellow bird with the big red heart, beloved by so many, ran away.

Thank you for the closure. But how did you do it?

lacochran said...

Lilu: Agreed. When it happens to them --> comedy. When it happens to you --> tragedy. And good blog material.

Kristin: And good with their aiming capabilities!

Bilbo: Well, thanks for *that* image.

Gilahi: Yeah for the pigeon!

Doug: Thanks! Pigeon napalm? Wow.

Mike: Is that your own little dropping?

Matt: Well, there's no pleasing some people.

Kate: You may have nailed it.

Lemmonex: A good omen for you. Not such a good turn for your dry cleaner.

Rs27: And then the lion would eat it.

Lbluca77: A different kind of wax job.

RestaurantRefugee: Aw, thanks. Fame is so fleeting.

Fiona: "If the coo s%its, wear it"?

Herb of DC: Sorry, I don't cater to the special interests.

F.B: I never reveal my sources. Unless I'm bribed.