Two stupid things that taste great together...
1. An open apology to the woman I didn't know at the President's Day gathering:
Me, finishing my first beer: You look familiar. Have we met before?
Her: I don't think so. I haven't been hanging out with these guys much until just recently.
Me, puzzled: You really look familiar...
Friend: Maybe you know each other through work?
Her: I work at the [her workplace].
Me: No, no, ...no. Huh. I could have sworn I've seen you before. Maybe in my dreams.
*awkward pause all around*
Yeah, apparently, that was me hitting on you accidentally. I meant to say "Maybe I'm dreaming" or "Maybe I dreamed it" but, no, I said "Maybe in my dreams". Like I should be so lucky. Like You're my dream girl.
Like, um, no.
So, yeah, sorry. I'm sure you're a lovely person and your significant other, who was sitting right next to you, is a lucky fella, but I didn't actually mean to say you are my fantasy gal.
That would be Salma Hayek.
Question Uno: What's the most inappropriate thing you've ever said by accident?
2. The metro cat theory...You know how every stairwell in every DC Metro station has that uber-pungent urine smell? I think this is because Metro intentionally adds the pee smell to ensure people don't loiter in the stairwells. Further, I'm convinced no human could create that kind of super strong urine smell. It has to be a cat. Because cat urine? That's a FOREVER smell. So, there must be some cat that Metro hires to pee in every stairwell. But there are so many cats that COULD do the job. Worthy cats. Urine-rich cats. Tough-minded "We don't need no stinkin' kitty litter" cats.
Question Dos: How do they choose the Metro cat?
21 February 2012
Assorted Flotsam
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I was in a Spanish class in high school and we were trying out our headsets for the first time. The idea was that the teacher could listen to each of us pronouncing words individually. While testing the system, he would turn on our headsets one at a time and ask if we could hear him. When he got to me, I started to say, "I hear you" and, "I like this" at the same time, and ended up saying, "I like you". Of course, when you combine two sentences, it has to be in the most embarrassing way possible. I could have said, "I hear this", which, while rather clumsy in construction, at least wouldn't have been so embarrassing. Fortunately, since we were wearing headsets, nobody else in class heard it. I would've never lived it down.
They need an Abby on guard in the stairwells!
When I used to work in human resources I had an employee stop by to give me some information. I told him, "I was just thinking about you in the shower the other day!" Yikes! I meant I was thinking about his situation & trying to problem-solve - but still, in the shower? Yeah, I got laughed at.
I have no opinion about cats - but maybe there's a secret cat-lady network that they can turn to in their time of need?
Well I have been known to congratulate women on their impending pregnancy when they are not pregnant. This lady kept coming in to my job and I thought she was pregnant but wasn't sure so I never said anything. One day she showed up and it was super clear to me that she was indeed preggos. So I said to her, "well I've wanted to say something for the longest but wasn't sure, but it is super obvious today. Congrats how far along are you?" To which she replied I'm not pregnant. So Embarrassing!
probably not the most inappropriate thing i've ever said, BUT the worst reaction to ensure permanent scarring:
in french, the word for the noun "kiss" is "bise," but if you make that noun into a verb it ends up, uh, not working the same way. so when i was in highschool french class one day, the teacher asked what happened next in a book, and i replied:
"il bise Anna!" (he kisses Anna) (i thought)
to which the prof leaned across the table, and said - IN ENGLISH, which never happened in class:
"he FUCKED her??"
and then my goody-two-shoes, never cursing, shy little highschool self died on the spot.
I discard embarrassing moments. That's why I get in so much trouble.
This wasn't an inappropriate comment so much as an inappropriate laugh. First day of biology class, the devastatingly-handsome boy next to me introduces himself. "Hi, my name is Rocco, what's yours?" I literally spat out my drink. "ROCCO?!@?" and fell on the floor laughing.
What I forgot to explain was that my nephews had named their parakeet Rocco just a week earlier. But we never talked again after that. Oops.
LOL @'dream girl' anecdote! Hilarious!
I have a bad habit of saying crazy stuff that seems funny in my mind but then fall flat when they are verbalized. ex. When I was in university, I was hanging out with some other students when one of them said: "Good times...good times"
And me-thinking he was referencing that SNL skit with Alec Baldwin and Molly Shannon-yelled out "Schweddy Balls!"
Yeah, I got some pretty strange looks after that one! It was only slightly mortifying!;)
Once in my 20s I was switching to a new job assignment with a new (older, woman) boss. I asked her on the phone if there was anything I needed to know for my first day. She told me I'd have to wear a shirt and tie. Without thinking, I said,"So no pants, huh?"
She paused a full breath or two and then just went on as if I hadn't spoken at all.
I seem to specialize in unfortunate remarks. At least now that I am living on the east coast there is (slightly) more appreciation for a snarky sense of humor.
When a much younger friend showed me a picture of the girl he said he thought was "the one" I immediately said she "looked smart". Fortunately the young man in question is a literal minded engineer type and took that as the compliment I meant it to be! And the young lady in question is indeed smart.
I purposefully forget most every inappropriate thing that comes out of my mouth. It happens more often than I'd like. Ha.
Thanks, I needed that laugh! I'm pretty sure they do some kind of pee test to find just the right cat! Wouldn't you love to be the one giving that test?
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