01 September 2009

"Why don't we live together, only the two of us, we'll learn to trust" --Barry Manilow

Left work early yesterday (yay!) because I wasn't feeling well (boo!) Turns out I was running a fever (And you thought I was faking. I never fake! [TMI?])

So, I am home today being all sickly and pathetic and parenthetical. *pokes lower lip out* (Feel sorry for me?) If you've got to be sick you might as well get some sympathy, right? Go on, pat my head and tell me how beautiful I am even when I'm whiny and my color is off and I'm sweaty and my hair is matted and...

Moving on. Let's see what feverlicious post I can generate today, hmmm?

So, there's that study that says that if you live together without being engaged and then get married you have a higher likelihood of divorce than people who don't live together before marriage or that live together while engaged. (Not that the incidence of divorce is so low anyway, but whatevs.) Did you see that?

That's kind of interesting. And counter-intuitive because for years people said that if you lived together you'd get to know each other well and you'd build a more solid relationship. The study seems to come to the conclusion that once you're living together, you often head toward marriage not so much because it's what you want, but because what else are you going to do? It's not like you can easily start dating someone else while you're living with someone. "Mmm, yeah, they're still painting my place so we have to go back to your place. Again. I know it's been months. The painters are, um, slow. Really slow. Let me just call the... cat-sitter and let her know I'm... not going to make it home to feed Boopsie."

And you know who suffers the most? Boopsie. You try to hide the pain but it's the cat that always knows. Is it any wonder Boopsie eats your face off when you die? It has nothing to do with running out of Friskies. Boopsie can't bare to see your lying eyes.


Narm said...

So you are saying I SHOULDN'T live with my mail order bride before the big day? Do I just leave her in the UPS box???

Titania said...

You re beautiful and absolutely adorable.

About the divorce thing, I don{t think it is so counterintuitive (warning: geek talk coming up). I think there is a selection issue driving this. Basically, think about which kind of people actually decide to move in together as opposed to those who wait until marriage. Most likely, those who move together are less conservative, and as it comes with the terrain, more likely to both work and have a more egalitarian relationship. By the same token, the stigma of separation and divorce is less likely to be an issue. As a result these couples are probably less likely to withstand some behaviors, attitudes and situations that could drive the separation as opposed to those who belong in a more conservative background. Am I making any sense here?

J said...

I learned about this in college - the study is definitely not new. If I remember correctly, the study that we focused on in college seemed to pinpoint that if you wait to live together, you don't learn about the quirks and habits of the others until you are married and then you are more likely to figure out a way to deal with it instead of just saying, okay, let's divorce because I can't handle that you don't put the seat down.

It never truly made sense to me at all because you'd think that you'd learn about the stuff you cannot deal with while living together before marriage and avoid marriage altogether at that point then.

I think Titania may be on to something though!

Kate said...

I remember having a conversation about that study with a guy friend several years ago. We were polar opposites in terms of how we saw things -- I think you can spin results any way you want and he really thought it was better not to live together before marriage. I lived with Brian for several years before we got married and we have a really strong relationship. I think every situation is different, but on some level that study irks me because, to me, it's really important to live with someone and figure out exactly what you're dealing with before you get into something that's legally binding. Especially when some people only date for a year or two before getting engaged. That's not really a long period of time when you think about it.

Tina said...

Boopsie eats your face off when you die for sheer vindictivenss not your lying eyes dear. She knew that all along you could have been using that pretty face and those lying eyes to bring home more servents for her and you DIDN'T!! You died and did not provide adequatly for that event - you FAILED her. So she is sending you into the after life horribly disfigured on purpose as a punishment. (Cats are into that Egyptian idea of the afterlife BIG time you know.)

The Bug said...

I had a fever yesterday too! And today - but here I am at work, spreading the love. It's not a very HIGH fever (99.7) so no worries...

Little Ms Blogger said...

Okay, I prove the results of that study.

I lived my ex prior to engagement and shortly after the wedding (3 years after moving in with him), I knew it was wrong. Oddly, things changed and I think the study is right (I typically never believe those studies and haven't read this one). I think we married because it was the next step.

However, we stayed together for 15 years (okay, delayed results for this study).

This time around, I wouldn't live with current hubby until marriage. I swore I'd never live with someone I wasn't married to.

Let's be real, it was the person, not necessarily the circumstance.

kelsi said...

As a side note, your use of parentheses is truly awe-inspiring. These are heights to which we (I) can only aspire.

Kate said...

Just say it for what it is. You live together for the sex. That is all. Any other reason you give is a lie.

f.B said...

Kate has a point: it does make the sex easier. You can almost literally trip, fall and land into some.

Mike said...

I think Larry King is driving the divorce statistics abnormally high.

restaurant refugee said...

I am not convinced of the causation but give much credence to the correlation of the two. That is to say, of course, Boopsie wants to smite her owner's lying eyes.

Alex said...

If one concludes from this that living together harms one's chances at a successful marriage, I think that's the wrong conclusion.

I think much of this result probably comes from the people who deeply believe that once married, you *must* stay together, no matter what. I'd imagine that such people are overwhelmingly people who'd also never consider living together before marriage. But not all of those people could be said to have successful marriages, even if they've remained together.

Hannah said...

This whole "common law until marriage eventual leads to divorce thing" is silly!
You really shouldn't marry someone until you know all of their annoying habits and them yours and you only truely get this by living with the person.

Makes me wonder about the sample these researchers are taking.

lacochran said...

Narm: A few airholes should do the trick.

Titania: Aw, thanks! :) So conservatives are more likely to stay married than liberals but liberals are likely to work harder at issues?

J: Perhaps it was redone because it's been in the news lately (again). WRT Titania, she often is!

Kate: Not long at all. Glad you found a method that worked for you. :)

Tina, restaurant refugee: Having issues with Boopsie, are we?

The Bug: Go home! That's what leave is for!

Little Ms Blogger: Interesting. Let's face it, these days, 15 years is longer than most marriages.

kelsi: You are so (SO!) sweet!

Kate: *blink* *blink*

f.B: :) I'm happy for you.

Mike: Ha! We'll take the commenter from St. Louis after this break from our sponsors.

Alex: Redefining success--an interesting angle. Yeah, I've seen a lot of less than stellar marriages carry on for years and years.

Hannah: Even then, sometimes it takes a while, yes?

12minds said...

This post made me giggle.

ErinSlick said...

You are so right. I moved in with a guy, we broke up and then fought over the dog. And the dog was his. Apparently he lost weight post break up. The dog did. The guy got fat. Go figure.