08 January 2010

Assorted Flotsam

  • Just for the record, should I pass via a car accident, I would prefer not to have the spot marked by cheesy plastic flowers; a heart on a stake; or a rain-sodden, filthy Snuggle teddy bear. *shudder* I would prefer a tasteful, Vegas-worthy display with flashing lights moving in various monkey-shaped patterns.
  • Experts tell us we should stop eating when we are 80% full. Isn't that like saying, you should try to be healthy? I do not know when I am 80% full. Sadly, I do know when I am 120% full. If I knew when I was 80% full, I wouldn't be up a size. Can we get a bell to ring? Maybe I could pay someone to sit next to me and blast one of those aah-OOOO-gah horns when I hit 80%. THAT would be useful. Unlike...
  • I just heard about a study which found all sorts of undesirable body "debris" (anywhere from bits o' skin to bits o' excrement) on clothing that was being sold at popular fashion stores. Okay, fine. People try clothes on and then decide not to buy them. People are disgusting. Clothes get disgusting. I get that. How does knowing there are tiny bits of body debris on the clothes I'm trying on help me? How do any of the studies now purported as "news" help anyone? Can we stop the fear-mongering for two minutes?

Chief: What have you got?

Flerdner: I've got a lead on a possible bacteria in apples that occurs naturally and can't be removed.

Chief: I like it! Get the art department to come up with a menacing looking apple and write over it "An apple a day might be killing you."

Moxie: Wait! You haven't even heard my story idea: we report on the impurities in the water.

Chief: I like your moxie, Moxie, but it's been done.

Moxie: Not with microscopic views. Picture a petri dish of micro-organisms filling peoples' 60" screens. People won't know what the heck they're looking at crawling around on their screens. They won't know the good from the bad!

Flerdner: But, Chief, apples are what people associate with keeping the doctor away.

Moxie: Nobody eats apples anymore. Everybody drinks water.

Chief, eyeing his bottle of water: Call the art department and ask them to gen up some scary paramecium!

Moxie beams.

20 comments:

Liebchen said...

I like where you're going with this. I'm pretty sure that's what the strategy is now, anyway. I, for one, generally ignore the reports, and tell myself that I'm building up my immune system.

*fingers crossed*

Kate said...

Well, just yesterday they told me that all the hamburger I eat is injected with ammonia. We're all going to die. SO. Yeah. Whatever.

WordNerd said...

I love the apples headline. Sounds like something from "Sick Sad World" on Daria.

The Bug said...

I REALLY need the 80% bell! Someone needs to work on that right away!

Bowie Mike said...

Damn, now we can't eat apples, drink water or exercise on hotel room floors.

froggy said...

Just. Don't. Move. Everything will be fine, if you just don't do anything. Problem solved.

Mike said...

"scary paramecium"

Now see, you made me go look something up. If you would have just said 'unicellular ciliate protozoa' to begin with.....

Tinksfairy said...

This reminds me of my high school biology teacher. He only drinks water and juice because soda destroys your bones...and by the end of the year we dubbed him Mr. "Everything can give you cancer" Hagy. It's true though. Everything can give you cancer. Also, I have heard some pretty awful stories about dressing rooms...Victoria's Secret in particular. Just don't sit on that seat. Please.

Barbara said...

Those plastic flowers on the side of the road do sort of creep me out. I remember being especially frightened when I was riding a public bus (one of those yellow ones with a madonna on the dashboard and a crucifix hanging from the rear-view mirror) through rural Colombia and the road was literally lined with plastic flowers in bouquets and on wreaths. They really go in for this in South America. I always pictured the roads being guarded by an army of ghosts!

Mac and Cheese said...

As a marketing idea, maybe you can sell pre-packaged meals that are only 80% of a typical meal. You take away the burden of thinking, AND you can sell it for a premium.

kansasmediocrity said...

Mark the accident spot with a neon sign that says:
OOPS, SHIT HAPPENS!

Don't worry about what percentage of full you are.
86% of all statistics are made up on the spot anyway!

Little Ms Blogger said...

The real question about the clothes, debris and the study is: Why was the study conducted and who paid for it?

Deutlich said...

oh man.. all that fearmongering DRIVES ME UP A WALL. But those skin bits are apparently noteworthy enough to be scared of..

ok.. no they're not.

Hannah said...

Excrement on clothes? People ARE gross!

Reya Mellicker said...

No matter how you pass, your life should be commemorated with flashing lights in the shape of monkeys. Definitely!!

As for the news, I agree with you completely. I ask that very same question often: how does knowing this help me or anyone?

Jason said...

You know, it's been a while since we've had one of those "Your [thing you use everyday] is dirtier than a toilet seat!" articles. I think we're due for one soon. In fact, I'm surprised the study didn't say that The Gap is dirtier than a toilet seat.

Cyndy said...

Ugghh....I'm a bit a germophobe and I do have a few OCD habits that I use to protect myself. But I must be pretty tough because so far I've successfully beaten most of the germs of life, even the ones that I've had to ignore.

As in my word verification: dismsin

lacochran said...

Liebchen, Cyndy: That which does not kill me makes me a kick-ass mutant? That's certainly my hope, too.

Kate: ExACTly.

WordNerd: It's sick/sad/funny because it's true.

The Bug: Can we get a government grant on that?

Bowie Mike: So you're still trying on clothes?

froggy: Can I get a note excusing me from life?

Mike: Oops. I'll try to stick to one-syl words.

Tinksfairy: Wouldn't dream of it.

Barbara: Wow. Cheery.

Mac and Cheese: Isn't that the whole basis of Lean Cuisine? The "lean" isn't so much about you as the product.

kansasmediocrity: Maybe with a neon monkey flinging poo?

Little Ms Blogger: Think the Purel people were behind it?

Deutlich: Not so much, no.

Hannah: You have no idea.

Reya Mellicker: Sometimes when we are flipping channels and land on the news we chant "Be very afraid! Be very afraid!"

Jason: Can we just assume that everything is dirtier than a toilet seat and skip the studies?

Titania said...

eeeeck, another reason to buy all my clothes online, assuming they come from the warehouse and have never being used by anyone.

Also, I don't like apples, I have tried to like them. I failed. I feel vindicated.

spleeness said...

I'm going to pretend I didn't read the clothes tidbit. But I should have known anyway. Whatev.

I too, only have the "120%" full alarm button. All the others stopped working decades ago.