13 July 2009

"The moral of this little tale... is sip your cider from a pail" --traditional, Sippin Cider


Hello, ducklings! I'm back. Let me see you shake your tail feathers!*

I've spent the week catching up with relatives I don't get to see often enough, doing as little as possible, and gaining weight like I was destined for one of those survivor shows where they make you eat rats.

Them: I'm afraid all that's here to eat is rats.
Me: Sounds lovely but I'm still full from my last vacation. Please pass my rat to Ryan Seacrest.

I don't actually watch those shows but if anyone should be on an island eating rats, it's the omnipresent Ryan Seacrest.

I was sure that a week away from work would leave me abuzz with creativity, a veritable font of fizzy lifting pure delight. Mmm, not so much. Maybe I've shot my proverbial wad, blog-wise. Unlike Seinfeld, I refuse to go out on top. I will drag this down and around and then around some more a la The Beverly Hillbillies. Because calling a swimming pool a "cee-ment pond" never gets old.

While traveling, we stopped at a restaurant. It was a place that served drinks in big plastic cups. The kind that looks like frosted glass, but isn't. You know? They brought me a straw and I got to thinking and you know I can't have an unexpressed thought.**

At fast food places, I totally get the straw deal. You've got that plastic lid on top and you have to poke a straw through that plastic lid in order to enjoy your 186 ounce beverage without spilling it while you are speeding around curves and wondering whose house to TP next.***

What I don't get is when you actually get an honest to god hard cup, like I did--without a plastic lid--and they bring you a straw.

Is it a hygiene thing? What are they saying? "You probably don't want to put your lips on that cup"? Is that what they're saying? Because if that's what they're saying, why should I think I want to put my lips on anything else in that establishment? Are the forks any cleaner than the cups?

Is it a dexterity thing? Is it: "You don't look like you can manage to lift that cup to your mouth without spilling any and we don't want to clean up after you"? Is that what they're saying? Then, why not just bring me a sippy cup! Hmph. Should I be insulted?
I'd hate to think I missed an opportunity to be insulted and was all pleasant-like when I could have been all pissy.

And, finally, are straws girly? Do real men not use straws?

I MUST KNOW!

Oh, and,

THE DROP IS AT MIDNIGHT BY THE TRAIN TRACKS!

Oops.



* You know you want to. Go on. No one's watching... A little more... Thaaaaat's it. Perfect!

** I would make a lousy spy. You: So, you're new in town? Me: I HAVE THE SECRET FORMULA!

*** I have it on good authority that TPing has been replaced by forking. Little plastic forks all over the lawn. Niiiice. So, you twenty-somethings, feel free to replace all references to TPing with forking. And you fifty- and sixty-somethings, feel free to replace all TPing references with words like Lindy and skidoo.

18 comments:

Lora said...

I use straws in everything I drink. Without fail. I even carry a few of my own around with me.

And where do I get the extra straws to carry around?
From my husband, who thinks that straws are girly

verification word: pantie

Liebchen said...

For some strange reason, I love drinking out of a straw.

But I have a hard time taking guys seriously who do, too.

f.B said...

I'll use straws in milkshakes. Actually, I don't even know why, since it's harder to drink a milkshake through a straw than soda or something.

Narm said...

I'm totally with you - but I seem to be the only one. Whenever I get a straw I always take it out and try to find a place to set it - only to have the entire table look at me like I am disgusting. I didn't ask for the damn straw in the first place.

repliderium.com said...

Great. Now I totally have to go out and fork someone. I MUST.

Gilahi said...

I just hope that no one lindies or skidoos our house because of this.

Dmbosstone said...

To me it's not a manly thing. Straws simply let me drink my drink faster. It's about speed baby

Mike said...

I like the big straws at Steak&Shake. If you do it right you can suck a whole soda in one suck.

Wv: consip - a prisoner using a small straw.

Herb of DC said...

TPing is the hottest new game on Facebook.

Barbara said...

I'm 60, but if TPing is what I think it is, it was quite the rage when I was in high school. Wet TP was impossible to remove from anything and still is I'm sure.

As for straws, I've never seen the need for them or given even 5 seconds of thought as to why someone thinks I want one. I just assumed they were a requirement for drinks in a fast food restaurant for whatever reason. Maybe there's some scientific study that shows people drink more when they've pursed their lips and sucked it through a straw.

How is it you keep coming up with these everyday questions to throw at us when I have almost nothing to say Blogwise anymore?!:)

lbluca77 said...

It's official, I’m forking someone's lawn this weekend. I will be stealing the plastic forks from work too.

And P.S. straws are stupid.

LiLu said...

At least if someone forked your lawn, as they pedaled away furiously on their getaway bike, I'm pretty sure it would be entirely socially acceptable to shout, "FORK YOU!!!"

lacochran said...

Lora: But, why?

Liebchen: There's a "you suck" joke in there somewhere. Thanks for weighing in.

f.B: It's curious, isn't it? We do things but we don't know why.

Narm: Next time, don't put it up your nose. Just sayin.

repliderium.com: I understand. Really, I do. *cough*

Gilahi: It's an honor just to be skidooed. (They like me. They really, really like me.)

Dmbosstone: Most guys wouldn't brag about that. Just sayin.

Mike: Followed by burping the entire alphabet?

Herb of DC: It is? I'm so out of the loop!

Barbara: Actually, I had a whole week to come up with something and that's all I could muster: straws.

lbluca77: Maybe you and repliderium.com and fork each other.

LiLu: Socially acceptable? What's that?

Bilbo said...

I have been grasping at straws for years. And I guess I'm out of currency with pranks...we've gone beyond TP'ing and forking. When our daughter was still living at home, we would often find as many as a half-dozen bagels in our yard on many mornings. I think she was being stalked by the Deli Avenger.

lacochran said...

Bilbo: How bizarre. So you were shmeared?

Alex said...

I had never heard until now that there was a potential gender issue with straws. For whatever reason, cold nonalcoholic drinks taste better through them... and if you're drinking soda out of a can, you don't necessarily know where that can has been.

lacochran said...

Alex: It changes the taste? Is this like the sip vs. drink challenge? Huh.

Alex said...

Yeah. I think it hits the tastebuds in a different spot, or something of the sort. It's not like soda or iced tea is equivalent to a fine wine, but still ya gotta make do with what ya got.