Hello, ducklings! I'm back. Let me see you shake your tail feathers!*
I've spent the week catching up with relatives I don't get to see often enough, doing as little as possible, and gaining weight like I was destined for one of those survivor shows where they make you eat rats.
Them: I'm afraid all that's here to eat is rats.
Me: Sounds lovely but I'm still full from my last vacation. Please pass my rat to Ryan Seacrest.
I don't actually watch those shows but if anyone should be on an island eating rats, it's the omnipresent Ryan Seacrest.
I was sure that a week away from work would leave me abuzz with creativity, a veritable font of fizzy lifting pure delight. Mmm, not so much. Maybe I've shot my proverbial wad, blog-wise. Unlike Seinfeld, I refuse to go out on top. I will drag this down and around and then around some more a la The Beverly Hillbillies. Because calling a swimming pool a "cee-ment pond" never gets old.
While traveling, we stopped at a restaurant. It was a place that served drinks in big plastic cups. The kind that looks like frosted glass, but isn't. You know? They brought me a straw and I got to thinking and you know I can't have an unexpressed thought.**
At fast food places, I totally get the straw deal. You've got that plastic lid on top and you have to poke a straw through that plastic lid in order to enjoy your 186 ounce beverage without spilling it while you are speeding around curves and wondering whose house to TP next.***
What I don't get is when you actually get an honest to god hard cup, like I did--without a plastic lid--and they bring you a straw.
Is it a hygiene thing? What are they saying? "You probably don't want to put your lips on that cup"? Is that what they're saying? Because if that's what they're saying, why should I think I want to put my lips on anything else in that establishment? Are the forks any cleaner than the cups?
Is it a dexterity thing? Is it: "You don't look like you can manage to lift that cup to your mouth without spilling any and we don't want to clean up after you"? Is that what they're saying? Then, why not just bring me a sippy cup! Hmph. Should I be insulted? I'd hate to think I missed an opportunity to be insulted and was all pleasant-like when I could have been all pissy.
And, finally, are straws girly? Do real men not use straws?
I MUST KNOW!
THE DROP IS AT MIDNIGHT BY THE TRAIN TRACKS!
* You know you want to. Go on. No one's watching... A little more... Thaaaaat's it. Perfect!
** I would make a lousy spy. You: So, you're new in town? Me: I HAVE THE SECRET FORMULA!
*** I have it on good authority that TPing has been replaced by forking. Little plastic forks all over the lawn. Niiiice. So, you twenty-somethings, feel free to replace all references to TPing with forking. And you fifty- and sixty-somethings, feel free to replace all TPing references with words like Lindy and skidoo.