11 March 2009

"Go, greased lightnin', you're burnin' up the quarter mile" --Grease

[I watched the movie version of Speed Racer on a flight last year. Slick animation but BORRRRRRRing. They could have--and should have--lopped about an hour off it.]


I can be an ass. No, no, I can.

The other day I am sitting at a light, minding my own business, working out a plan to solve the economic crisis. I was this close to putting all the pieces together--something about turning all the foreclosed properties into Starbucks and harnessing the awesome power of squirrels--when...

An Expedition pulls up next to me.

Then, the driver pulls up over the stop line.

Then, while the light is still red, the driver does a false start.

Do I need more? I do not.

I wasn't in a hurry before but I sure am now. I hit the S on my gear shift to change into Sport mode and watch the light like my life depends on it. I'll be damned if this behemoth is going to get ahead of me. When the light switches, I leave the Expedition in the dust.

Why?

A) It's a flippin' Expedition, fergawdssake. It's ridiculously big, expensive, gas guzzling, and slow and here's my opportunity to drive home that point. (See what I did there? Drive home... nevermind.)

B) Why not?

and

C) I'm an ass.

My first husband was an ass, too. I can vividly remember us missing our exit because he had to prove that he wasn't going to get beat out by a revving car at a toll booth. And we had my parents in the car. Oh, that was a proud moment.

At least I never missed an exit because of my assiness.

Well, not yet.

Can I help it if I need to express this side of me?

...express... espresso! Squirrels on espresso! I gotta call Bernanke!

18 comments:

PQ said...

I'm guilty of being an ass as well.

fiona said...

*coughs politely*
I drive an Expedition.
A black one.

Titania said...

LA, I love you, you are the best

Kristin said...

Oh, I have been there. What is that?

Matt said...

The squirrel idea would never work. Squirrels are much too greedy.

Mike said...

It was a challenge. Never back down from a challenge.

Jamie said...

I have definitely missed exits on occasion as a result of a testosterone battle with a complete stranger on a highway.

It's not so much about me needing to win. It's about making sure that the other guy loses.

rs27 said...

Maybe he had a big meeting at the douche convention.

f.B said...

Chipmunks are notorious savers.

Kate said...

Okay. Um. I totally laugh at people who want to race me. I'm such a pussy.

Titania said...

Actually, I have had cars trying to race me like this, but it usually to a red light and I am on my bicycle... oh, well. When I am on my car, I do like Kate, I laugh and wimped out

The Pumpernickel said...

I'm all for drag racing. Though the advent of the speeding camera makes this somewhat problematic. Also, the fact that I'm too afraid to ever do it.

Gilahi said...

I don't understand the whole drag racing concept. It must be terribly difficult for guys to run in those high heels.

Kristen said...

Oh I hear you. I will not be beaten at a stop light. NEVER.

I have a sport button on my car too and believe you me it gets used.

A.
LOT.

People are all "what just happened? Did I just get creamed by an old Saab with a car seat in the back?" and I'm all "yes you did sucka."

I'm pretty bad ass.

Shannon said...

I only drag raced once. In high school, when I drove a Nissan Sentra. What's even sadder? I raced a Geo Metro. What's even sadder than that? I still almost lost.

Alex said...

You are a douche-thwarter. You saw the guy was a douche, so you had to thwart him.

*Jac* said...

I do that too! Or if someone keeps switching lanes to get in the faster lane, I always go really really slow when they're behind me. I'm so passive agressive.

lacochran said...

PQ, Kristin, Jamie, Kristen, *Jac*: Nice to know I'm in good (ass) company.

Fiona: Please see answer C) above.

Titania: Because I'm an ass or because I've solved the economic crisis?

Matt: That's why the incentive plan is critical. They're shrewd negotiators.

Mike: Damn straight! No matter how stupid.

Rs27, Alex: He did look a little "not so fresh."

f.B: It's true but they're always throwing apple cores.

Kate, Titania: I know people who see that as a positive trait.

The Pumpernickel: There are worse things. You'll probably live longer than me.

Gilahi: It ain't easy for women, either.

Shannon: But you didn't lose! They did. And that's what counts!