14 August 2009

"Feed me!" --Little Shop of Horrors

[Do I really need to explain this?]


When I was a child, food was important in my family. Food was love. And, so, when the food was ready, we ate. Because why would we want to reject Mom?

So, fine, we ate. And we ate well. My mother made some great food and we enjoyed it. As soon as it was ready.

I have never broken this habit. In present day, Hubby tends to want to eat all of the prepared foods together. I've heard that some people call this a meal. And that's great if it's all ready at the same time. But you know what? If the garlic bread is ready and the fish isn't? I'm eating the garlic bread. I AM! You don't want to eat yours, that's fine. I'm eating mine. Because cold garlic bread = FAIL.

Hubby has learned not to come between me and food. It's dangerous. You know, like when you feed the tiger: you don't put the chicken carcass down and then stand between the tiger and the carcass to ask how the tiger is enjoying his summer. You fling the chicken at the tiger and run for your life.

This works for us.

But, see, technically, I'm an adult. And sometimes I get invited to dinner or other social functions that involve food. And you know what? Some people put food out--in plain sight!--and then wait to eat it. I swear. It happens. (I was surprised, too.)

And this sucks. Because even though, yeah, I look like an adult, there's this kid inside of me screaming "FOOD! It's ready! It looks good! It smells good! I WANT FOOD!"

You want to know the worst form of this torture? Baby showers. There are always baby showers at work and, if you know the person, there is pressure to attend.

Here's how it goes down. We all gather in the conference room 15 minutes before the official time. We sit in chairs around a huge conference table that is groaning with food. And we wait. And we wait. And, meanwhile, we chat, animatedly, with people we have no choice but to see every day, as if they are long lost friends.

And then there's the inevitable "SURPRISE!!!" moment, usually 15 minutes after the appointed time. And then there's the "Did you know you were getting a party? Did you have any idea?" "Nooooo! How did you all keep it a secret?!"

And then there's the seating of the mother-to-be in the special chair. You know it is special because it has one balloon tied to it.

And sometimes the father-to-be has shown up, too, or the mother-to-be's mother, and so he/she has to be introduced to everyone in the room, individually.

And then there's the gifts. And the oooing and aaaahhhing over the gifts. And the "Isn't that darling!" And the "I had those and they came in so handy!" And the "What was that one? I missed that one." And the holding up of the gifts for the camera. And the passing around of the gifts.

And then there's the stupid party game. Is it the hat made of the bows on a paper plate? Is it the read what the recipient said after each gift was opened with "in bed" after it? Is it both?

And then there's more pictures.

And, because I'm such a sensitive, nurturing, people person, all this time, I'm thinking "FOOD! Get to the #$@&ing FOOD!"

16 comments:

Little Ms Blogger said...

Maybe you can bring a heating tray to events so you never have to eat cold food. :-)

Mike said...

"and then wait to eat it."

WHAT! What kind of crazy people do you hang around with?

Jill Pilgrim said...

Awesome post, but that picture? Oh my God, me rolling on the floor.

Hannah said...

I am exactly the same! Why wait? Eat it while its hot! If it took awhile to make though, I try not to hoover it down TOO fast! LOL

If I ever get pregnant and someone throws me a shower, we'll eat right away! You don't make a pregnant woman wait for her cake..that is just cruel! ;)

The Bug said...

I have a VERY hard time being in the same room with cake & not getting to eat it right away - it's pure torture!

f.B said...

it's just FOOD. who are we trying to impress just because we're adults now? we eat food when food is ready. when food is ready, we eat food. this is why i grew up; so i didn't have to live by anyone else's calendar for dinner.

Barbara said...

Those who aren't acting hungry must have had a snack before they came, don't you think?

I also can't understand the person who can ignore a bowl of chips altogether, as if they aren't there. I don't buy that stuff because I know how much I love to eat to the bottom of the bowl/bag, but if it's someone else's party, I am not passing up that crispy, salty opportunity.

Felisa said...

I'm really bad about waiting too. You know what's awkward though? Having dinner at a really Christian household. I'm starting to devour my dinner roll then I feel people taking my hands and then they say grace. While they bow their heads in prayer, I bow my head because I have bread crumbs all over my mouth.

LiLu said...

I love the Jim Gaffigan sketch where he says that during office birthday songs, he's singing in his head,

"Hope it's CHOCOLATE FOR MEEEEEEEEEE!!!"

spleeness said...

btw, you're a runner up in the belt giveaway, you get chocolate! Contact me w/mailing info so I can send it out: spleeness@yahoo.com. mwah!

kansasmediocrity said...

Umm, uh....about the spam problem.
I moved to wordpress, PROBLEM SOLVED!
Seriously, blogger sucks, IMHO.

Bilbo said...

"You fling the chicken at the tiger and run for your life."

Ah, the imagery!

I think I'm going to work on a recipe for "Flung Chicken." Sounds vaguely Chinese...

Dmbosstone said...

Growing up we never waited but now that we are all grown up we eat meals together anytime we are all home.

Also I'm glad I'm not a female- and thus do not have to participate in these baby showers/bridal showers

Alice said...

it is TORTURE to have to be in the presence of food at not eat it. especially if the thing preventing you from eating is also SUPER BORING.

Kristen said...

Hahahahahahaha!!! That's exactly how showers go down at my work too. It's always, always, always a big fricken SURPRISE!!!

It's way lame.

I always dig into the chips or whatever because I'm not waiting. Screw that.

lacochran said...

Little Ms. Blogger: Cold, hot, whatev. I just want it now!

Mike: I know, right? Crazy.

Jill Pilgrim: Thanks. Yeah, Google images produces some amazing results.

Hannah: Amen, Sister!

The Bug: It is! Even store bought sheet cake!

f.B: You. Are. Wonderful.

Barbara: Chips are so enticing and so addictive. And because they're cheap there's always chips at a party. Any party. NomNomNom.

Felisa: Whoops! :)

LiLu: Gaffigan is brilliant! And he performs in DC, too.

spleeness: Chocolate! How can that be the runner up gift to a belt? Mmmmmm, chocolate!

kansasmediocrity: You seem to be one of a chorus of millions.

Bilbo: Agnes is a lucky woman.

Dmbosstone: Thank your lucky stars you don't have to attend them. They are deadly.

Alice: Yes! Double whammy.

Kristen: You are my idol!