"Honesty is hardly ever heard. And mostly what I need from you." --Billy Joel

Good Friday, people.

Oh, my. I have received the Honest Scrap Award:

from the infamous, indefatigable, interesting, insouciant and--oh, wait this isn't the follow-the-letter-meme-thing. Never mind.

Anyway, thanks, f.B!

The rules: I have to tell you ten honest things about myself in writing and then tag ten people to pass it on.

So, here goes.

*getting hooked up to polygraph*

Is that really necessary? I thought only a scrap of this had to be honest...

*needle skips in huge arc across the paper*

*blink*

*sigh*

Fine.

1. I can bend my pinky without bending my other fingers. On either hand. Or both simultaneously. Creepy or cool? You decide.

2. I love chewy. Anything chewy. The chewier the better. It's all about the chewy. When it's not about the salty.

3. I Love Lucy. With a capital L.

4. I spent four years living on the bank of a river. (Although, not in a van eating government cheese.) Watching rain plink on the water was strobey and soothing all at the same time. I recommend living near a huge body of water. When you see something as enormous as a river every day, it definitely makes your troubles seem small.

5. Once I pick something, I hate to put it back. Even a lemon at the grocery store. I don't want to reject it.

6. On the first day of school (ever), I was told my actual name when the teacher called roll. I liked it. When I went home and a family member addressed me with the diminutive version, as usual, I informed them of what my proper name was. Nothing impresses like a five-year-old getting haughty.

7. I once "designed" my own clothes by cutting holes in the seams of a skirt and wearing this as a blouse. I liked it. I wore it in public. For about half an hour. Then I realized just how bad it looked.

8. I don't get why sometimes the formatting in Blogger works just fine and sometimes it's all flucked

up.

9. The high school counselor who administered the aptitude test said I'd make a good judge. Where I am Judgy McJudgerson about everyone and everything, I never wanted the burden of deciding other people's fates.

10. I don't understand clowns. Well, I sorta... no, I don't. I don't understand clowns.

Sharing the thrill, I bestow this award on the following folks (some who read my site and some who don't) because I appreciate their honest scrapitude:

Zombie Fights Shark!

Who Invented Roses

The Life of Brian

Fearless in Toronto

Suburban Fizz

ErinSlick

Church of the Big Sky

Malnurtured Snay

Travelin Through

Farm Fresh Meat

I'll trust the universe to inform those that need to know. Or not.

Plain Jane? NOT.

Not long ago, we watched Gentlemen Prefer Blondes again on AMC. Well, there was nothing else on, it was free, it's got snappy numbers in it, ...and why am I explaining myself?

It stars Marilyn Monroe and Jane Russell.

Marilyn:


and

Jane:



Together.

They co-star.

Marilyn and Jane:


Notice how irritated Jane looks in this shot. I'd be irritated, too, if I was in a killer dress and had to walk next to Marilyn. Do gentlemen prefer blondes? Dunno about that but I get that they prefer Marilyn to Jane, even though Jane is no slouch. No slouch at all.



But, Marilyn... Marilyn is riveting. When she is on the screen, you don't see Jane. You don't see anybody but Marilyn.


Yes, she is blonde. She has that affected babydoll voice, the incredibly lush body, that way her lips move more than they need to but in a most pleasing way.

There is no bad angle for Marilyn.

And she is the perfect mix of sexuality and innocence. If you could bottle it, you'd make a fortune.

But since Jane doesn't get her due next to Marilyn, I am providing a clip of Jane doing a number from the movie [with no sign of Marilyn but with plenty of beefcake. In fact, it goes over the top (given the era it was filmed in) from about 2:30 on. And rumor has it that Jane wasn't supposed to go into the water. Check it.]

Sing it, Jane!

"Thank you! Thank you! Thank god for you..."--Bette Midler

Well, it's Wednesday. Wednesday is super-duper meeting day around these parts.

Often I have six meetings scheduled for Wednesday. Sometimes seven. Fo shizzle.*

See, lots of people telecommute Mondays and Fridays and I telecommute on Tuesdays, which either makes me very clever or the village idiot. Jury's still out. This means that five days of meetings get crammed into two days: Wednesday and Thursday. And, unless we got enough snow and ice from the storm to close work**, I'll be slammed with meetings all day long.

So, don't expect to find me all lighthearted and frolicy on Wednesdays.****

But I did post a new poll up there on the right. Because I'm committed, damn it, to you, the reader. *cue Wind Beneath My Wings* So, do me a solid***** and vote!

And tell the others--and there will be others--how, despite all odds, I bravely put forth the lamest Wednesday post ever.

For you. *makes eye contact*

You special reader, you. *flashes money shot before turning and running down the hall*

*from down the hall* 'Cause it's all about you! Don't ever forget that you're the most impor--Oh, hi, Betty! Love that outfit! Are you heading to the meeting, too?



* I can't pull that off. I'm lame.

** Fingers crossed as I write this on Tuesday.***

*** Fingers crossed mskes for a lot of typos.

**** What do you mean I'm never lighthearted and frolicy? Hmph. Like you're a box of FiddleFaddle.

***** I can't pull that off, either. Great. More awkward.

"Though it's easy to pretend, I know you're not a fool"--George Michael

Since we are FINALLY getting a bit of snow here, it is a good day to watch the flakes fall (ah, pretty!) and tell a story from my long-ago college days. I'm not proud of my behavior in this story. I was young and petty.

The fake names you need to know for this story to hang together:
Barnaby, boyfriend of a few years
Tom, friend
Mindy, floozy

One of the people that I encountered at school was Mindy, who acted like she was the best thing to hit Earth. Proud of herself? Why, yes, yes, she was! And it didn't seem warranted to me. She was so not all that. Not by a long shot.

Mindy was an engineering student so she was in most of the same classes as Barnaby and she would openly flirt with him, even though he and I were a couple. These days, I'd put the blame squarely on Barnaby, because he did nothing to discourage her attention. But, at the time, I was just disgusted with Mindy.

So, one day, I'm hanging out with Tom in a common area. Tom agrees that Mindy is odd looking. She's pear shaped and she's got this remarkably porcine nose. And we are soon in hysterics, riffing on her Ms. Piggy nose when in walks Mindy.

*laughter stops*

Mindy: Okay, you guys were talking about me, right?

Me, horror-struck: No!

Tom: Yes, as a matter of fact we were.

Me: Tom!

Mindy: What was it? The hippo hips, the thunder thighs or the pig nose?

Me, mortified: No, we--

Tom: That's amazing! It was the pig nose! You're good! *laughing*

Mindy: I figured it was one of the three. *chuckling*

Tom: You know your audience!

*Mindy goes on to meet up with another student*

Interestingly, she wasn't mad at us. It was like she expected to be discussed.

Given the situation, would you have admitted you were snarkily gossiping about her? Or claimed plausible deniability to the end, a la Blagojevich, busted or not?

"Now that I've lost everything to you, you say you want to start something new..." --Cat Stevens

For this story, we'll need two names... let's say Hermione and Efrem.

We are buying groceries at the Giant yesterday. Hubby goes to pick up the last item on our list while I queue up on check out #5.

I am minding my business, watching some pre-teen girl flip out because there is a reference to an actor from Twilight on the cover of one of the magazines at the checkout. (Squee!!)

Hermione, a bagger: Miss! Miss. Three's open. Come this way.

There is that weird moment where everybody stops and looks around. Who is the lucky shopper?

Hermione is talking to me.

I maneuver my heavy cart out of #5 and start heading to #3.

Hermione: Right this way.

At this point, a man and woman maneuver their cart in front of me at #3.

Hermione, pointing to me: I'm sorry but this lady is next.

Woman: But he said we were next. *pointing to Efrem*

Efrem is opening the register at #3.

Hermione to Efrem: I told her she was first.

Efrem to Hermione: I told them they were first.

Hermione: Oh.

Me: Great.

Hermione: I'm sorry.

I queue up behind the couple. It's annoying to be told you're next only to be told you're not next but, really, they don't have all that much. Efrem locks and loads and within a minute or two, I am able to start unloading my groceries. Hubby comes back. We have about 15 (of the 40 or so) items on the belt when...

Hermione: Have you already started unloading? Put it back. She can take you on four.

Me: *continuing to unload*

Hermione: Put it back in the cart! She can take you on four.

Me: *continuing to unload* No. I'm not moving again.

Because, Hermione needs to be quiet and go back to bagging. She's well-intentioned but she clearly has no authority and if I've already gotten this much stuff on the belt, it doesn't make sense to switch. But this leads to the question du jour: Are you a line switcher?

And, a snippet from the very funny Sebastian Maniscalco...

Jokes.com

Sebastian Maniscalco - Grocery Store Line

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