"It Could be a Tumor" --Kindergarten Cop

My life, and welcome to it. I could make stuff up but what's the fun of that when I have real life moments like this...

I walk with my boss and a colleague to another building for a meeting.

Boss: What's wrong with your eye?

Me: What?

Boss: Look at her eye!!

Me: What?? What's wrong with my eye?

Colleague: Where?

Boss: Look at that! *pointing* See the red there?

Me: What?!?! What is it??!

Boss: Do you have pink eye? Is that conjunctivitis?

Me: What is he talking about??

Colleague: I guess it is a little cloudy in the corner there...

Me: Great.

We continue walking while I mentally prepare my will.*

We arrive at the building and I immediately go into the ladies room to see this horrible oozing, infected abscess** of an eye in the mirror and I see... nothing. It looks like a normal eye. Much like the other normal eye.

I come out of the ladies room.

Me: I looked in the mirror and I don't see what you're talking about.

Colleague: It must have cleared.

Boss: I guess it's nothing.

I spend the entire meeting wondering if I've got a tumor or I'm about to have a stroke or what. I suddenly think I'm feeling pressure on the eye. I wonder if it's clouding over again. I look around for confirmation but everyone is talking work and no one seems to notice my rotting eye.

This is a big deal for me. I am phobic about my eyes. I don't know why. I just hate the idea of something happening to them or even something touching them. I can not watch eye surgery, even laser eye surgery, on TV--and it's always on TV. Oh, yes, it is. When you have 500 channels at least one of them is showing eye surgery.*** It creeps me out too much. Anything eye-related creeps me out.****

Both my parents had cataract surgeries. So chances are my eyes will deteriorate similarly. Here's how I see it going down:

Future Doctor (FD): We could get rid of the cataracts with a quick surgery.

(80 year old) Me: No!

FD: But it's very simple... we just cut a flap in the eye and--

Me: LALALALALALALALA I can't hear you!!!

FD: This is ridiculous. We just give a little tug on the--

Me: LALALALALA, *grasping wildly* Who took my cane?!

My prediction: I will be even crankier as an old, blind woman. That is, if I make it through today.

*leans in* Does this look infected to you?




* It's so hard to decide who gets my Backstreet Boys CD.

** That one's for you, Bilbo. No thanks necessary.

*** Don't argue with me. When was the last time you checked to see what they were showing on C-Span at 3 a.m.? That's right, eye surgery on Arlen Specter.

**** I originally had this picture on this post but it creeped me out too much and I had to replace it. Now you know my weakness. I must kill you.

No Means No, People

It is 7-ish last night and the phone rings. Hubby and I stare at each other. We play the "It's probably for you" game and stare some more.

I lose. (He's a first rate starer.)

I get up and answer the phone.

Me: Hello?

Pathetic Telemarketing Dweeb (PTD): Um, is this [stumbles over my name.]

Me: Who is this?

PTD: Hi! My name is Daniel and I'm calling from the GW Alumni Association--

Me: I'm going to stop you right there. I don't enjoy getting pitched over the phone. If you want to mail me something I'll consider it.

PTD: *long pause* Okay. Can I just confirm your address?

Me: Yes.

PTD: [street address]?

Me: Yes.

PTD: [city and state]?

Me: Yes.

PTD: So, what have you been doing since you graduated from G--

Me: *CLICK*

Yeah, that's what I want to do. Spend my dinner hour "catching up" with some 21 year old stranger that is trying to pay off his "work study" hours by pestering people over the telephone to give to the alumni association of one of the most expensive/wealthiest colleges in the country.*

Chyeah.

And before you get all "poor guy's just trying to do a job" on me, let me clue you in. I did him a favor. I've done telemarketing.** No matter what your supervisor says about staying on script, you learn two rules very quickly:

1) Figure out who you have zero chance with and end the call as quickly as possible so you can move on to someone who might give you a chance and allow you to earn your commission.

2) Don't ignore the mark. You never, ever, ever close by ignoring the mark.



* You'd think I'd be grateful for the fact that I got that spiffin' degree compliments of my employer. Well, I am. To my employer.

** Name a sucky job, chances are I've done it. Hey, a buck's a buck.

But does PCH really, REALLY like me?

I have received the latest communique from my steady pen pal, Publishers Clearing House (cool street cred nickname: PCH).*

But, uh, oh--look there-- on the conveniently supplied return envelope (see, PCH does still care!) there's a little pop quiz! I must decide and check a box. But which one to choose? Damn, these mind games!

"Yes, I want to be the $25,000.00 winner."
or
"No, I have no desire to be a winner."

Trick question! The answers don't balance.

Like choosing between:
Yes, I want a one-year subscription to Infected Sores Monthly.
or
No, I've no interest in breathing.

There's just no way to answer that. One year would never be enough!

It would be different if the second option said "No, I don't want to be the $25,000.00 winner." I could live with not winning the $25K.

But to have no desire to be a winner at all? That's kinda sad.

I fear if I check that box, I will instantly become one of those white trash harpies with a beehive hairdo, cat glasses, and a Camel Light dangling with an inch of ash still attached, who is bedecked in a torn Old Navy t-shirt, Kmart "Juicy" sweatpants and dirty slippers, who hangs out at the liquor store playing and losing Keno. Over and over again.

But if I acknowledge that I want the $25K, does this mean my whole relationship with PCH was only about the money???

ARGGGG!

Some days, I so just want to walk away. But I know, deep down, I can't. PCH may not be ready to go public but I know ours is a forever love.


* PCH ignores my pleas to get back together and keeps it at a casual level. I'm all like "We had good times..." And PCH is all like "It's all about the magazines, Baby." And I'm all like "Come on..." *wink* and PCH is all like "Now, you're just grossing me out."

Don't Let This Happen to You (Water Trikes)

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Kelsey Grammer, best known from his long-running sitcom "Frasier," suffered a mild heart attack during the weekend in Hawaii, three weeks after his latest show was canceled, his publicist said on Monday.

Grammer, 53, experienced chest pains on Saturday morning while paddle-boarding with his wife, Camille, off the Kona coast of Hawaii's Big Island, where they have a second home, spokesman Stan Rosenfield told Reuters.

When I first read the news (faithfully reprinted above) I thought it said he's had a heart attack while paddle boating. And I thought, well no wonder! Paddle boating is hard! The only thing harder than paddle boating is riding one of those water trikes. Ever paddle one of those water trikes? Don't let the bikini clad girls fool you. They are standing in front of the machine from hell.


Oh, sure, it LOOKS like a kid's tricycle and you used to tool around on one of those all day long so this should be no big deal, right? You confidently go down to the Watersports people at the resort and you and your partner in fun say you want to take a trike out. They say Sure!! and off you go, wondering what joke somebody just told because the Watersports people are doubled over laughing behind you. They can not breathe they are laughing so hard. And you think Charming locals! So lighthearted and joyful!

You get the trike into the water and scramble up into the seat. You and your partner then spend 45 minutes swearing at each other as the trike only goes in one direction: out to sea and to the right--always to the right--no matter what you do. Your calves are burning and you accuse your partner of not really paddling and they are yelling that you are steering it wrong and you keep insisting there has to be a gear shift somewhere because the damn thing is obviously stuck in a low gear but there is no gear shift and at some point you both begin to cry and far off behind you on the receding shore you can still vaguely pick up the laughter of the Watersports people. You wonder if you will ever see them again.

Can't Resist a Theme

Here, a photo of a plumber who's on top of his work.

Other crappy things... [if you're not up for negativity skip to the last paragraph]

We saw the latest Indiana Jones flick this weekend. [No real spoilers ahead.] Uccchhh. Talk about phoning it in. Where were the witty bits? Where was the clever dialogue? The only folks who delivered on this movie were the stunt and special effects people and they must have been sopping up the overtime because that's all this movie was from beginning to end. Where Cate Blanchett looked fetching in her soviet issue gray, I kept expecting her to talk about "moose and squirrel", such was her over-the-top accent. The rest, including Harry, were pretty lack-luster. And you'd think after 20 years, Indy could buy a new, non-sweat-stained shirt. I guess superheroes need their uniforms. Still, I do wish this whole movie had had more substance. There's suspending disbelief and then there's cartoonish with a capital BOINGGG!

We also took in a few floors of Artomatic. This is an interesting concept: 1,000 artists, 10 floors and heaven knows I like a free art show with multiple bars. Like I said: great concept. But you get what you pay for. This is not a juried show. It's first come, first served. There are so many people who think their creations are stellar and they are so wrong. Sorry, but SO, SO WRONG. This becomes the American Idol of Washington art, with 98% landing in the William Hung "A for effort but F for implementation" category, and I guess I get to be the mean judge because "That was ab-so-lute-ly dreadful!" There were very good artists mixed in but it was depressing how much was lousy or simply there for shock quality. Art can be shocking but just because something is shocking doesn't mean it's art.

To end on a grateful note: We got to La Tasca for tapas and vino. Lovely. Not crappy at all. They have 1/2 price bottles of wine on Sunday and we very much enjoyed the Nessa Albarino.