"Paint your palette blue and grey" --Don McLean

I spend part of Saturday eating Bertha's mussels.* It is a first for me but I gotta say, I like it. A lot.

Then, the hubs, a friend and I check out the Cezanne exhibit at the Baltimore Museum of Art. It is not as enchanting as I'd hoped.

First, it is less about Cezanne and more about Cezanne's influence on other artists. So, instead of seeing, say, fifty Cezannes, we see a dozen Cezannes surrounded by fifty pieces from other artists. Yes, I get to see a dozen Cezannes which is twelve more than I've ever seen before, but, a) I discover I'm not that big a Cezanne fan** and b) the audio commentary, that is complimentary with the tickets, goes something like this:

In this early work by Albrecht Foofer, Two Lemons and a Stuffed Squirrel, you can clearly see Cezanne's influence. Foofer's vertical brush strokes on the topmost third of the left lemon are reminiscent of Cezanne's in Bather with a Hangnail. Notice, too, the vacant gaze of the stuffed squirrel, indicating that Foofer, much like Cezanne and his drive for anonymity in his subjects, was not trying to portray this particular stuffed squirrel, but capture the symbol of the stuffed squirrel, or the every-squirrel. Foofer painted this in 1902, one year after he read a book that had once been chewed on by Cezanne's pet goat.

So, here we are, listening to this pre-recorded drivel at the appropriately marked spots and some Arty Chick is 30 seconds behind me in the audio loop but insists on being 30 degrees in front of me at all times. Picture it, I see the marker on the wall saying "120", so I stand about five feet back, making sure I'm not blocking anyone, and, facing the paintings, I press "120" on my device and listen. 30 seconds elapse and Arty Chick comes over. She sees the marker, presses "120" on her device and then positions herself to block one-third of my view. Then, she starts to rock left and right, like she's got Steven Tyler crooning "Cryin'" in front of her. WTF?!***

This happens at least six times. To me. By her. Even though there are plenty of other people around for her to be rude to, she picks me. At first, I walk away. But after the third time, I stand my ground, annoyed, maybe sucking my teeth a little.**** After the sixth time, I wait to see where she's going to position herself, and go stand in front of her. Because, kids? Nobody is going to stop me from seeing an Albrecht Foofer every-squirrel! NOBODY!!

The question du jour: How do you cut a chick without the docent seeing?



* "Not that there's anything wrong with that." --Jerry Seinfeld

** Forget what you heard, Cezanne did not create Dogs Playing Pool.

*** I pressed every possible number combination. Sadly, no Aerosmith.

**** The universal symbol for Are you kidding me?!