"Big ol' jet airliner, don't carry me too far away" --Steve Miller Band

Here's the thing: Why do I always want to start every blog post with the phrase "Here's the thing"? Things? They get to me. And, life? Chock full of things. More things than should be allowed under the legal limit. I'm just saying, please eliminate three.

Maybe I should just re-title my blog: "Here's the thing."

So, anyway, none of that was actually the thing. Here's the thing: I'm going on vacation. Off to the beach.*

I've earned it. I cut way back on the cheesy tots (I heard you gasp!), exercised 27 times in the last 29 days (I KNOW, right? I'm the buffest 80-something you'll ever meet), saved my pennies, actually completed a few things at work, and now? I'm done. Outta here. Sayonara. Bedee-bedee-bedee, that's all folks!

What can I leave you with to chew on?

How about Five Truths About Air Travel:

• The person in front of you in line at the ticket/baggage counter will have 40 bags, and will speak no English. They will not understand what the agent is saying, with increasing volume, about additional charges and weight limits.

• No matter what seat you choose while waiting at the gate, there will be someone facing directly at you, barking into their cell phone. They will have nothing of consequence or interest to say. Yet, they will say it. For half an hour. They will pretend you are not giving them the "I hope you don't make it to the future" stare.

• On the plane, a passenger will come along and open the already closed overhead bin above your head. "Just to check."
  

• Upon landing, when the stewardess asks everyone to keep their seat-belts on until the plane has come to a full stop and the captain indicates that it's safe to move about the cabin, there will be the sound of tiny clicks all over the cabin as every single person unfastens his/her seat-belt.

• After taxiing, there will be some idiot that leaps up as soon as the bell dings and runs to the front of the aisle, only to wait another fifteen minutes with everyone else until the door opens.****

Question du jour: Aisle or window? Show your work.

Miss me! Of course, I will be spending every minute of vacation trying to think of clever things to blog about for you.

*slow-mo wavey-wave*




* Please don't rob me.**

** If you do come by, be sure and give Brucie, our pit bull, a big hug from us. He loves to snuggle.***

*** Oh, and if you have to take something, please, please, please don't take the highly-valuable-via-resale-on-Ebay rock CDs from the early 70s that my husband--er, we love so.

They're in the family room.

On the right.

Next to the TV.

Top two shelves.

Don't take those.

****That idiot might be me.

Five reasons it's better to be at work than on vacation

[The new roomier economy class seats.]


¡Hola, monos descarados!

We are back from Cozumel and I am once again back in the work-a-day world. What a relief! I thought that vacation would never end. Sheesh.

The five reasons it's better to be at work than on vacation:

1. I don't have to struggle to decide which blender drink to order next. So taxing.

2. No panicking over where I put my passport. Or my immigration form, which, technically, they tell you upon entering Mexico you'll need in order to leave the country and I, um, managed to not have on hand when it was time to leave the country. Oh, I knew it was somewhere. In the sense that everything is somewhere. I apologized. In Spanish, even. For some reason that was not sufficient. I offered to just stay in Mexico. But, no. So, what happened? I filled out a different form and paid a visit to an immigration official and we were off. No bribes. No sexual favors. In all honesty, I don't think the Mexican government gives a damn about the quality of my blog posts. Bastards.

3. No sand in unexpected places. Nuff said.

4. When I say "That's a lot of information" I mean it, as opposed to just being snarky about someone wearing an ill-fitting swimsuit. We saw a lot of body love there. A lot. Healthy, right? So what if you're a size 24? You want to rock a size 6 bikini, you go right ahead.

5. I can really focus my mind on the important things without distractions. The most important thing? Planning the next vacation.

"I'm going to Montana to throw a houlihan" --traditional, Old Paint

So, yesterday was my last day in the office before vacation. The night before I had this dream:

I was in the mountains and there was a cow, of the classic black and white variety. (They're the best kind, right?) Further in the dream, I no longer saw the cow. I realized I had failed to tell the cow the important information I was supposed to convey. D'oh!

I woke up in a panic, scouring my brain, trying to think:

a) what the hell was I supposed to tell the cow?

b) how can I find the cow again to convey this critical data?

It took me a good 30 seconds to wake up enough to realize that, maybe, just maybe, I shouldn't be worried about this.

Still, I spent a good bit of the day with that feeling that I was forgetting something. But you know what? I'm done. If I forgot something, I no longer care what I forgot. (Is this senility? Hm, not so bad!)

What the heck am I saying? (You don't know either?) I'm saying (if it isn't already abundantly clear from my disjointed and increasingly parenthetical posts):

It's time for vacation.

Adios, muchachos y muchachas! And, if you see the cow, tell her to text me.

Yours 'til Niagara Falls, 'til Hungary fries Turkey in Greece, 'til the kitchen sinks,
L.A.


P.S.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Interrupting cow.

Interrupt--

MOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Unwanted Ads (I mean let's talk about traveling back to the Caribbean!)

Quoting this blog from 12 July 2006:

"Not biting the hand that feeds me or any hand (veg blog with meat ads)
Okay, so I'm new to blogging and new to having ads on my blog. And, hey, it costs me nothing and potentially earns me buckeroos. Still, it's interesting to see what gets generated in the ad space. In theory it's linked to what I write about. Yet, here I am, an avowed vegetarian, talking about vegetarian things now and again, and the ad du moment is for Hormel lunch meats. Kinda amusing. Makes me wonder if the software is picking up on the right words to successfully reach the demographic for their ads."

In the words of OK Go, "Here we go, here we go, here we go again, oh, here we go again".

I have been alerted that someone viewing my blog saw an ad for hunting and trapping and this is not the humane version, either. Sighhhhhhhhh.

I do not support or endorse or condone hunting or trapping.

Yes, I eat fish. Yes, I wear some leather. Yes, I am a hypocrite. All the same, I find that everybody is one to some degree and its just a matter of where you draw the line. This is why I don't tell other people what to do.

But I do express my opinion on my frickin' blog.

I personally am not for hunting or trapping and it irks me that an ad on my site is potentially making money off me in this way. I may have to look a little more closely at what my rights are in running ads. There may be a way to block this sort of thing.

In the interest of seeing what gets generated, let's see if we can push a different ad to pop on a favorite topic: Caribbean Travel. Hmmm...

Let's get in the mood... things I think of when I think Caribbean travel...

Cheap tickets, vacation, great deal, on-line aggregator, islands, packing, swaying palms, friendly people, ocean view room, watching the sunset from the balcony, tropical fruit, leaving on a jet plane, island time, island rhythm, sunshine, sandy beaches, Pina Colada, Lime Daiquiri, gorgeous pools, swim-up bars, fancy restaurants, tours, snorkeling, clear water, interesting history, fabulous jewelry, great local artisans, souvenirs, Aruba, Jamaica, oooo I want to take ya to Bermuda, Bahamas, come on pretty mama, Key Largo, Montego, baby why don't we go down to Kokomo, we'll get there fast and then we'll take it slow, that's where we want to go, way down to Kokomo... Martinique, I want to take a peak...