"And they called it puppy love" --Donny Osmond

[Oh, to be as cool as these guys.]


When I was a kid, I had a friend who was into Donny Osmond. I mean INTO. I would go over to her house and she would regale me with fantasies about Donny Osmond. They were pretty PG as fantasies go... He'd get her fan letter and show up at her door and she'd just DIE! And then he'd come in and hold her hand and instantly fall in love with her and she'd just DIE! And he'd smile that famous smile and ask her to marry him and she'd DIE!!! SHE'D JUST DIE!!!!

I was not into Donny Osmond. Too clean cut. Too meh. Donny was no David "I'll let you touch my Puka shells" Cassidy. He was no Parker "I'll solve your mystery" Stevenson. And, for the record, Donny is a little bit rock and roll like I'm a little bit Playboy bunny.* Yeah, not so much.

But, I didn't mock my friend. I can't remember a time when I didn't crush on some TV or movie fella. But, I've never had a desire to meet them. Oh, maybe I fantasized a bit but I couldn't imagine a scenario where actually meeting an idol would be a good thing.

First, I'd sound like an idiot. What could I say that they hadn't heard a million times before? Even if we did start a real conversation, they could tell me about Hollywood and I could tell them about Martin in Social Studies who kept kicking my chair. Smooooooooth.

Second, the instant I met them, they'd stop being an idol and start being a real live (boring) human being. No thanks. Even reading interviews in magazines killed off a few idols for me. Did I need to know that Patrick Swayze thought Johnny Castle's saying "Nobody puts Baby in a corner" was stupid? No, I did not. Did I need to know that Harrison Ford enjoyed the company of both Anne "Manson Eyes" Heche and Calista "I'm shaped like an all-day sucker" Flockhart? Again, no.**

Which leads to the question du jour: Would you actually want to meet someone you idolized?



* I get that the Bunny outfits were skimpy for the time, but what's sexy about a bunny? Is it the tameness? The fur? Is this how Furries started?

** Please don't tell me anything bad about Bradley Cooper. I'm begging you.