27 June 2010

"I know I'd go from rags to riches..." --Carmine "The Big Ragu" Ragusa

I am not a National Merit Scholarship recipient.

There. I've said it. Now you know my secret.*

It's true, my PSAT scores were the stuff of legends. They'd talk about 'em 'round the campfire. My scores were scrawled on the bathroom wall. People would whisper them as terms of endearment while frantically undressing at make out point.** If they were putting images of people on cakes back then, you can bet my face would have been on 9 out of 10 cakes bought.*** Parents would point to me and elbow their kids, saying, "Why can't you be more like L.A.?" Yes, I was both hated and revered. And those PSAT scores were enough to get me in the running for a scholarship of 2500 smackeroos.

But "in the running" does not a scholarship make. You had to submit an application. With an essay. And I... I... well... the truth is, I couldn't be bothered. I had more important things to do. Laverne & Shirley was probably coming on. That Squiggy... *wipes eye and shakes head* ...he kills me.

[True story: Two unpopular girls in my high school performed the L & S theme song, "Make All Our Dreams Come True", for the annual talent show. Not only did they not win, this made them even less popular. When people say, "Oh, go ahead. What have you got to lose?" they have no idea.]

Let's face it, if I had gotten my butt in gear, I could have written the essay to beat all essays. Or at least to beat out the other 49,999 applicants that year. I might have gotten into a fancier shmancier college and had a totally different life. One with a wine refrigerator and a fire pit.

But, no. I took the Boo Boo Kitty route. I was lame.****

Not this time people. I've learned from my mistakes.

CSN Stores has offered to sponsor another giveaway and I'm not gonna squander this opportunity. What kind of vile, disgusting creature would I have to be to throw an opportunity like that away? (*door flies open* "Hello!"--A. Squigman)

Yes, the people that can set you up with a fab vanity are at it again. They're ponying up a $100 gift card which can be used for a vanity... or a fire pit... or a wine refrigerator ... or kids toys ... or fitness equipment ...or so much more! Irritated that you didn't win that All Clad pan I gave away a while back? Don't be hatin'. You win this, you can get one of your very own! You can use the gift card at any of their websites.

But, L.A., you say, I'm right in the middle of a rerun of Saved By The Bell. Don't make me work to get all the dreamy things I so richly deserve.

You know I can't resist you when you whine. Okay, just leave a comment on this post no later than July 4th, 2010. Need a topic? Here: Under what circumstances would you drink milk and Pepsi mixed together?

* Wait, have I mentioned this before? Am I repeating? After four years of blogging, who can tell? Next I'll be talking about standardizing car horns and reviewing Last Holiday.

** Cars with bench seats, people. That's all I'm saying.

*** Even I can't compete with Fudgie the Whale.

**** Were Shirley Feeney and Laverne De Fazio the original Al "Macarena" Gore and George W.? I mean, you knew Shirley was a better influence but you'd rather have a beer with Laverne, am I right? Of course, they both worked at the brewery so they probably both got free beer. Hmmm.


The Bug said...

I would drink milk & pepsi for money. I'm pretty sure I could do that. And I'd probably do it pretty cheaply - if you offered to buy me a burger or something.

Lori @ RRSAHM said...

In the event on a nuclear holocaust, I would not have a problem with it.

Cyndy said...

That's actually not the most horrible sounding combination I've ever heard of. I'd drink it for $10.00

an ounce.

AbbotOfUnreason said...

Milk and Pepsi isn't as bad as it sounds. We used to drink it as kids, probably because of L&S. I always thought it tasted like a melted float.

Which is kind of melancholy, really. Sitting around drinking melted floats.

So I guess I'd drink it if I were feeling melancholy, but not too much: it sits pretty hard on the ole stomach.

Kate said...

Have you ever had a coke float? Ice cream and coke? Well, I would imagine milk and pepsi isn't so different.

Liebchen said...

I haven't personally tried it, but I have friends whose daughters LOVE chocolate milk and Pepsi. So I'd probably give milk and Pepsi a shot...though I'd also probably try to get either a meal, a drink, or a few bucks out of it. Depends on how ambitious I'm feeling.

Lusty Reader said...

ive always wanted a firepit!

and i would drink it for $20. any takers?

urban bohemian said...

I now have Carmine singing "Rags to Riches" stuck in my head. Thank you for that.

I tried Milk & Pepsi once... just the once. Growing up in Atlanta, during summer vacation all we did was watch syndicated shows and Laverne & Shirley was a big hit. I found that the combination wasn't as appetizing as it sounded, however I still have a fondness for Coke & OJ.

I'd probably drink it for $50 these days. I'm easy, but I'm never cheap. :)

Alice said...

ok WHAT!? is this some L&S thing? milk and pepsi!? because it sounds AWFUL. i don't want to drink it! i'd drink it for a $100 gift card though ;-)

FoggyDew said...

Milk and Pepsi are for amatures. Try Chocolate milk and Mountain Dew. That'll put hairs on your chest. And yes, I have drunk that combo. Yes, you can think less of me now.

I would do it if I win this give-away.

Mike said...

"A. Squigman"

It's been awhile since I've seen "Hello!", but when you mentioned it I had an instant flashback.

Kate said...

Milk and Pepsi is kind of the bomb.

That is all.

Gary said...

I am loving this Laverne & Shirley themed post with your clever inclusion of pertinent references and the labels at the bottom of the post are a riot.

For my H.S. talent show I sang "I toke marijuana and I'm proud" to the Dr. Pepper theme song. It went over very well (and I was so straight-laced which made it even more interesting). Maybe the girls from your H.S. should have thrown in some drug references.

...about milk and Pepsi. I tried several times to drink this back when L&S was popular but never really acquired a taste.

GreenCanary said...

Wouldn't the Pepsi make the milk all foamy? Like the foam you find lurking in the dark, murky corners of the Potomac? So yeah, I don't think you could pay me to drink that muck.

LiLu said...



How much milk and Pepsi, exactly? Can there be Mentos involved?

This is getting complicated...

Narm said...

If it would let me see a boob.

Lemon Gloria said...

Well, you seem to have turned out fabulously, so there's that.

Milk and Pepsi? The idea of drinking a glass of milk really grosses me out. So I might actually enjoy it more with Pepsi.

Felisa said...

Together as in like a mixed drink together or as in a can of pepsi in one hand and a carton of milk in another? Why am I even asking this? Like it would make a difference. I would so do it.

Barbara said...

I rarely drink milk or Pepsi alone, but definitely not together EVER!

Vittoria said...

this is a gloriously random post. and who CAN compete with fudgy the whale??

Herb of DC said...

I'd gladly drink milk and Pepsi at a Sarah Palin rally.