"We make it harder than it has to be" --The Eagles

This has been swirling around my head for a while. In the not at all funny but true category...

Years ago, I can remember hanging out with a couple friends. For blog purposes, let's call them Malbec and Sangiovese. I was friends with each of them and they were friends with each other. I can distinctly remember having this sort of conversation:

Malbec: So, you're friends with Sangiovese.

Me: Yeah.

Malbec: Yeah, me, too. But I don't want to get too close to her. I make it a policy not to allow people who have been abused to get too close to me. They can't really be trusted.

Me: Oh? Huh.

At the time, it gave me pause. Not enough to stop me from having a good, solid friendship with Sangiovese, but it did make me wonder if abused people were "different" in their capacity to form good relationships.

The truth is that Malbec and I had a falling out long before Sangiovese and I had a falling out.

Discussing this recently, Hubby, who knows both of them, hit the nail on the head when he said that what Malbec said was much more about Malbec and her issues, than it was about Sangiovese.

I wish abuse didn't happen. I realize it has lifelong impacts and I don't think anyone who hasn't been through it can fully understand the experience. That said, to rule out a whole group of people as close friends based on an experience they had (in which they were the victims!) seems crazy to me.

I'm not saying there aren't people to be avoided. There's lots of people in the world who demonstrate that they're messed up on a regular basis. Plenty of red flags out there that are waving so dramatically, you'd have to bury your head in the sand to miss them. These flags have nothing to do with my knowledge of any abuse they experienced. It's about what a person says... what a person does. And when I see those flags, I step away. Far away.

It takes me a while to get close to people. I try to get to know them and see if they can be trusted based on what I witness of their behavior. Do they do what they say? Are their stories consistent? Are they there when I need them? Do they seem compassionate?

Some of the nicest people I know have been through truly horrific things.

Looking back, I wish I had called Malbec on her comment. I wish I hadn't even registered a doubt in my head about Sangiovese, based on that comment.

Life is hard enough. Let's not make it harder.

"Paranoia, the destroyer" --The Kinks

[The bumper sticker reads "I read your e-mail." Like I'm not paranoid enough.]



I receive a voice-mail message telling me that my business travel card has likely been compromised and to call back at an 888 number.

I think: Real or social engineering expedition? Have I mentioned that I'm not a very trusting person?

I call the number and as the voicemail tree is playing, I think: It wouldn't be hard to set that up to sound real.

I play the following game of security chicken:

Her: This is [so and so] of [credit card company name]. Can I have your name, please?

Me: [Provides name.]

Her: Can I have your card number?

Me: No. I don't tend to give out that information. Your organization called me to tell me there was a problem with my [name of my organization] travel card. So, you should have that.

Her: *pause* Well, I could look it up.

Me: Do that.

[Time passes. She asks me what I perceive to be a few peculiar (harmless?) questions in order to make sure she's zeroing in on the right account. Why she wanted to know if I'd ever killed a man just to watch him die, I don't know. My Saturday night is my business.]

Her: Okay, I believe I have the right account. Is your middle initial A?

Me: Yes.

Her: I'll need to ask you some security questions. What are the last four digits of your social security number?

Me: [provides last four]

Her: Okay, now, what is your phone number on the account?

Me: [provides number]

Her: Okay, what are the first four digits of your social security number?

Me: Give me the card number first.

Her: I'm authorized to only give you the last two digits. [She does.] I need to ask you more security questions. What are the first four digits of your social security number?

Me: I just gave you the last four digits.

Her: Yes. I need the first four digits now.

Me: You want me to give you eight of the nine digits of my social security number?

Her: Yes.

Me: No.

Her: I'm just doing my job. That's what your organization identified as a security question.

Me: I don't care.

Her: Okay, instead I can ask for your billing address.

Me: [I give it to her.]

Her: Okay, yes, the account has been flagged. Did you make a charge of $2.98 on June 3 to [name of company].com?

Me: No.

Her: Okay, we're going to have to put a stop on your card and issue another one.

Me: Fine.

Yeah, I'm that much of a pain. I question just about everything when it comes to handing out information over the phone. These days, where it's a piece of cake to access all sorts of information, it would be very easy to get some information and then call up claiming to be a credit card company and asking for more information. This is probably how I wound up with the $2.98 charge to begin with.

Bastards.

Maybe I shouldn't have divulged my middle initial.