25 January 2012

"'Cause I don't believe you" --Crack the Sky

I've seen some pretty unbelievable things in movies.  Flying monkeys, wealthy Richard Gere falling in love with hooker Julia Roberts, all those mother-effin snakes on a plane... suffice to say that Hollywood has stretched my acceptance of what is possible until my brain is as rubbery as Newt Gingrich's wedding vows.

But last night... *shakes head in disgust*  ...last night, we watched The Emperor's Club.  This is a mediocre movie in which Kevin Kline plays a teacher at an exclusive boys prep school.  That I can buy, despite the very distracting fact that Kevin Kline has no lips.  This is almost as distracting as the fact that Whoopi Goldberg has no eyebrows.  See?  Check it.  None.

Just a line where his lips are supposed to be.  When he kisses you, is it like kissing grandpa without his teeth in?  Do you get enveloped by nose, chin and cheek?
Regardless, Kevin Kline, teacher, prep school--check.

What I can't buy, no matter what anybody says, is the time lapse in the film that shows this:

becoming this:

In what universe does dorky Jesse Eisenberg grow up to be sex symbol Patrick Dempsey?  Who the heck was in charge of this casting?  Stevie Wonder?

Question du jour:  What's the absolute stupidest thing you've ever seen in a movie?

Oh, and just because it's my blog and I can, here's another gratuitous shot of Patrick Dempsey:

You're welcome.


Titania said...

The last samurai (was that the name? the one with tom cruise) - the entire f'ing movie. OMG that thing was bad.

And Patrick Dempsey looks like doctor's advise...

froggy said...

Oh! Oh! Oh! You want to make The Engineer's head pop off watch Atomic Twister. (The Engineer works at a nuclear power plant)

They have one guard at a shack guarding the plant with nobody else there (reality - 24 hour personnel and platoons of guards with uzis)

They go rummaging in storeroom for a dusty manual about how to prevent a meltdown (reality - constant drills where they will occasionally call us at 3am in the morning)

They leap around pools of water and slip and slide and bumble their way to fix the reactor (reality - elaborate and technical suits, specialized equipment and highly trained)

The Bug said...

Wow there are so many to choose from! I'll go with what popped into my head first - that asteroid movie with Bruce Willis. Don't get me wrong - I enjoyed that movie because I like that kind of stuff (volcanoes, a new ice age, a virus that wipes out everyone but you - I LOVE disasters!). BUT, really? Really? I don't think so.

P.S. I LOVE Kevin Kline - lipless or not. He's hilarious - & cute to me. So there!

Mike said...

I did a post on 'Juarez, Mexico (2008)'. Worst movie ever.

wunelle said...

Jesse Eisenbubble becomes Patrick Dempsey? Who thought that was gonna fly? I had the same issue with The Debt, where Jessica Chastain becomes Helen Mirren. At least they both have hawtness! But the guys in that film? Never did figure 'em out.

Tania said...

Puberty is awkward! Go easy on poor Jesse!

Serena said...

I am willing to make giant leaps and play the gullible fool for the sake of many movies. It's likely poor sods like me that they are playing to. Let's talk books, and you'll see my critical side.

Cyndy said...

I've see a lot of unbelievably bad things in movies but for me unbelievable=forgettable because I can't come up with anything at the moment. Instead I'm trying to imagine which actor Jessie Eisenberg could be a younger version of - still coming up empty. But I do have this - George Clooney also has a very thin upper lip. I wouldn't hold it against him. (evil grin)

Cyndy said...

seen! And he has nice eyes. So does Kevin Kline.

Little Ms Blogger said...

Eyes. Wide. Shut. - Just shoot me. Not only the dullest movie ever, but what was up with Tom Cruise's eyebrow look -- the only look throughout entire movie.

Love Patrick Dempsey. So hot and you're right about the casting. That would have made me laugh.

Gwen Hernandez said...

That is a huge stretch. Wrong nose, eye color, everything.

The movie that pops to mind that always bugs me is Transformers. It was fine for an action flick, but there's one part where they're in the Udvar-Hazy Air & Space museum in northern Virginia to get the ancient Transformer (an SR-71). After he wakes up, they exit through a hangar door and are standing in the airplane boneyard in Tucson, Arizona.

All it would have taken was one line of dialogue saying they were going through a portal or something and I wouldn't have thought twice about it. But they didn't, and I did. ;-)

Alice said...

the last indiana jones, the crystal skull one. UGH/ARGH. my friend and i still say "ALIENS?? REALLY??" to each other whenever something stupid & unbelievable happens.

Reya Mellicker said...

He is very handsome and has nice lips. I've noticed that Kevin Kline has no lips. Poor guy!

ellen kirkendall said...

The stupidest thing I've ever seen in a movie was the school bus shootout scene in The Gaunlet, possibly the single worst movie I have ever seen.

suicide_blond said...

i don't remember the name of the film (prob 'cause i have tried to block it from my mind)but there was this James Bond movie ...and he jumped into a FORD TAURUS to escape.... and needless to say...a little piece of me died right there in the movie theater...

lacochran's evil twin said...

Titania: Take two and call me in the morning... with the details. ;)

froggy: I guess a fact checker was over-budget.

The Bug: I really hope our future isn't dependent on anything requiring Bruce Willis. And, noted.

Mike: Worse than Plan 9?

wunelle: Never heard of it but, yeah, sounds unlikely.

Tania: He's 28. Shouldn't he be done with puberty?

Serena: Let's!

Cyndy: I see what you did there. Touche, Madam. Touche!

Little Ms Blogger: Wasn't that supposed to be the ultimate sexy movie? Guess not.

Gwen Hernandez: They do that in No Way Out, too! Wacky, if you know what's what. And, you do!

Alice: That one lost me at him crawling out of the refrigerator. Yuh.

Reya Mellicker: Not everyone can be as blessed as we are, Chica.

ellen kirkendall: Sounds bad. *scratches off Netflix list*

suicide_blond: Product placement can be such an ugly thing.