27 July 2010

"Feel like making love to you" --Bad Company

Back in the 80s, before I knew Hubs, there was Boyfriend. And Boyfriend worked with Jim. And Jim was seeing Betty. And we were in our twenties and thought we'd be all grown up and go out to a nice restaurant on a double date.

So we did.

And Betty got drunk off her ass on two drinks at dinner. She was slurring. She was staggering. It happens.*

After dinner, we all went back to my place. Once inside, Betty fell over the arm of the couch. Luckily, she landed somewhat on the couch.

Jim, looking embarrassed, explained that Betty was a bit of a lightweight, and gently but firmly righted her. Boyfriend and I played it down. I asked if they wanted some soda.

It was at this point that Betty spotted the CD rack. She went over and promptly found Anita Baker's Rapture, which was hugely popular at the time.

Betty: Ooooo, Anita Baker! Can we play it?

Me: Sure! I can put it on--

Jim: No, I don't think that's a good idea.

Betty, now holding the CD, throws her arms around Jim and almost misses: Come oooOOOoonnnn! Swee-et love, hear me calling out your na-a-ame, I feel no shame, I'm in love...

Jim, looking more awkward by the minute: Betty, honey, not here.

It became abundantly clear to Boyfriend and me that Betty and Jim had employed Rapture for, well, rapture. Jim managed to get Betty out the door and into his car, thank us, apologize again to us, and get them on their way in the blink of an eye.

Not for nothing did that album sell eight million copies. ;)

Take your pick...

Tangential question du jour: Are double dates a good idea or the work of the devil?

Direct question du jour: What music says sexy time to you?

* Sometimes to other people, even.

20 July 2010

"Sometimes I wish, oft times I wish, that I never never knew..." --Carly Simon

*links arms*

Walk with me. Talk with me. Let's visit the land of hypothetical, hmm?

Let's say you have three friends: Huey, Dewey, and Louie. Assign any genders you like. You count all three of them as friends but you're not tight with any of them.

One night you are out with Huey and Dewey and they start telling you a story about Louie. It's not a complimentary story. They're not saying Louie is a child molester, mind you. It's more like Louie threw a pie at each of them.

You express surprise. You've never even seen Louie with a pie. Maybe Louie ate a piece of cake in front of you, but pie? No. They are adamant that they had to spend hours getting the whipped cream out of their hair and, OMG, the dry cleaning bills!

You ask them what they said to Louie. Turns out they said nothing. They're still hanging out with Louie. Just less. And not within pie throwing distance.

So, now you have this information. What do you do with it?

14 July 2010

" You stand in the line just to hit a new low" --Daniel Powter

[Grocery cart FAIL.]

The scene: A (non-Piggly Wiggly) grocery store

The players: Me, Hubs, and someone I'll call Clark the Clerk

We have a dozen items and make the fateful decision to go "self checkout".

The view: It is set up such that four self checkout stations are positioned behind one clerk station, should there be questions. *insert ominous foreshadow music here* The next free station happens to be close to the clerk. Husband takes the scanning part, I take the bagging part. The station appears to have two scanners, one in the scale/base and one perpendicular to this. It's also got one of those bag carousel doohickeys, where it's clear the bags are having more fun than we are.

All right, you've got enough information. On with the show.

Hubs scans the first item. To do this, he goes through the following:

1. Run item over base scanner, nothing happens.
2. Run item over base scanner again, nothing happens.
3. Run item in front of perpendicular scanner, nothing happens.
4. Curse.
5. Run item slowly over base scanner, nothing happens.
6. Wave the item in a variety of indiscriminate directions as if shaking a box of marbles.
7. Item and price come up on screen.

Hubs hands me the item which I place in a bag.

Screen reads: "Wait for attendant."

Hubs: What?! What happened? I scanned one item. What's wrong with this thing?

Me, turning to Clark the Clerk: Hi. It's saying "Wait for attendant." Do you know what's wrong with it?

Clark, not moving from his station: Yeah. It's messed up.

Me, animatedly: Honey, the gentleman here knows what's wrong with it. He says, "It's messed up."



Hubs: Maybe self check-out was a bad idea. How do I cancel out of this?

Screen no longer reads "Wait for attendant."

Hubs: Wait, it cleared.

Hubs scans three more items. I bag three more items.

Screen reads "Wait for attendant."

Hubs: #%!#$!

Clark, still not moving from his station: She's leaning on the bag carousel. That messes it up.

Me, jumping back faster than Mel Gibson's press rep.: I was? Oh. If I'd known that, I wouldn't have done it.

Clark: Yeah.



Hubs scans more items. I bag more items.

Hubs puts a bag of apricots on the scanner/scale base. It says to enter the PLU but there is no PLU. There is no search option on the screen. We turn to Clark.

Clark: Yeah, I can look that up. What have you got there?

Me: Apricots.

Clark: What?

Hubs, lifting bag for Clark to see: Apricots.

Clark: Paper cuts?

Yeah, we were low on paper cuts so we thought we'd stock up.

Me, slowly: A-pri-cots.

Clark, scanning laminated list in front of him: How do you spell that?

Me and hubs simultaneously: A, P, R, I, C, O, T, S.

Clark, lifting his finger from the middle of the list and heading back to the As: Oh, Apricots.

Hubs: Yes.

Clark: It's 4039.

Me: 4039. Thank you.

Hubs types in 4039.

Clark: I was all like duh.

Yes, you were exactly all like duh.

Me: Well... thanks.

Annnnnd, scene.

Questions du jour: Do you self checkout?* Does self checkout ever work for you without a problem?**

* I am not talking about what you do in the shower.

** I'm still not talking about what you do in the shower.***

*** You really should rinse everything down after that, you know.

12 July 2010

"I said yeah! yeah! yeah! Atlanta, got to get back to you" --Little Feat

What up, Blog Monkeys?

I've missed you. My bad.*

Just came back from a trip to Georgia. A few thoughts from the trip.

My latest conspiracy theory...

Am I the only one that thinks the airlines pump drugs through the air system to keep us docile on flights? Think about it. Much like the surgeon will chat about meaningless stuff with you while you're slowly losing consciousness, the stews talk to you about flight safety while the drugs are kicking in. As if flight safety was a real thing. *derisive snort* Totally filler, right? Just a distraction until your eyelids get to that appropriate droop. And then, then! towards the end of the flight, there's always that sudden whoosh of air through those nozzles and your fog starts to clear. What were they pumping through before that? Hmmmm? See what I mean? I'm not complaining, mind you. It helps with the tedium. Plus, I like the talking squirrels. I'm just waiting to see how they'll charge us for it.

On Southern pleasantries...

Me: You know they greet you when you walk into stores here.
Hubs: Yes.
Me: It's like they're letting you know they see you; they're watching you.
Hubs: Don't try anything.
Me: Exactly.

Because, carpet-bagging, fast-talking, northernish type that I am, I wouldn't just assume they're being friendly. Even though, that's probably exactly what they're doing.

Just to throw me off.

Question du jour uno: Ever start a rumor just to see how far it'll go?

Question du jour dos: Is Piggly Wiggly the best name for a store ever?

* I'd explain how I've been wanting to post lately but haven't had time but then I'd be one of those lame bloggers who posts about not having time to post. We hate those people, right?

06 July 2010

Just time for a WOOT!

Congrats to Felisa of Girl Uninterrupted who has won the $100 gift card! WOOT!